


Hidden Desires

by Kattwyllie



Category: SVU
Genre: Dom/sub, Explicit Language, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:53:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 50,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27561049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattwyllie/pseuds/Kattwyllie
Relationships: Alexandra Cabot (L&O: SVU)/Reader
Comments: 46
Kudos: 56





	1. Chapter 1

You weren’t surprised when the door to your office at Hogan Place was thrown open by Sonya Paxton, a frustrated groan of a yell echoing through the room.

“Stabler?” Both you and Alex replied practically in unison, a mirroring grin on both your faces.

“If I have to deal with that smug bastard for one more minute I _will_ end up punching him in the face.” She dropped her bag into a spare chair, moving towards where the two of you were indulging in a late lunch at the small conference table, grabbing the extra take out container left for her. “I swear that man needs to unwind, this whole separation thing definitely isn’t helping. He needs a good fuck.” Your laugh loudly echoed throughout the office as both sets of eyes landed on you.

“Don’t fucking look at me! I’d rather fuck Benson and I don’t even _like_ women.”

“Well he won’t go near me and Alex sure as hell isn’t about to change lanes this late in the game.” Sonya moved through your office with ease, having spent multiple working lunches and dinners there, “And stop lying, I’ve heard stories about you kissing girls before.”

“I! Hey! That was high school, spin the bottle was involved! That totally doesn’t count!” Alex laughed at your reply, shooting back quickly, 

“Doesn’t matter the circumstances, if you’ve kissed a girl, you’ve kissed a girl. Count me intrigued for this story…spill.” You shot her a glare across the table,

“Sounds like Cabot wants to make-out.” Sonya smirked, making Alex sputter in response, praying internally that her cheeks weren’t as flushed as they felt.

“No! Hey! I just want to hear the story!”

“Party in high school, we were playing spin the bottle, it landed on a girl, we briefly kissed as two sixteen year old girls would kiss, end of story.”

“Yeah but your experience of two sixteen year old girls kissing is very different from Alex’s.” Sonya called from across the room, “You’re out of Jameson’s.” You scoffed at the older woman’s comment, watching her pull the bottle of Lagavulin out, 

“Hey! That’s the good stuff! At least go for the Jim! And if I remember correctly, the Jameson’s was _your_ bottle you left here because for some reason my office is the hot spot.”

“Fine.” She shot you a grin, switching the bottles in her hand before grabbing a glass and moving back to the table before dropping into the chair across from the two of you. “So..I’ve got a Romeo and Juliet clause, girl’s mother’s calling the charges, not even the girl.”

“Is it statutory?” You quirked a brow, taking another bite of pad Thai.

“Sixteen and twenty.” Sonya sighed, reaching for the container of food, “SVU’s going over things to try and figure out when it started to try and iron things out.”

“So Stabler’s being a dick ‘cause he’s all _‘ooo I have daughters, this hits home harder than normal ‘cause I’m a parent’_ ” You rolled your eyes, Alex nearly snorting at your comment, knowing just how exactly true it was. Stabler was always up on his high horse when it came to cases involving kids even remotely the same as his own.

“Yeah. What’ve you got?” Sonya asked, attention directed to you.

“He said she said, teacher and student. Gonorrhoea discovery was the only reason there was a disclosure. Kid claims the teacher raped him, teachers claiming the other way around, I just granted a warrant for the collection of her abortion remains so SVU better not be about to fuck me over.”

“Good to know Donnelly’ll be on your ass and not mine.” Sonya replied, both of your gazes landed on Alex, her cheeks breaking out into a smile at the heat of your eyes.

“I’ve got a gang rape by three women on a male stripper at a bachelorette party that _may_ also be linked to the murder of the third female rapist.” She smirked at the expressions of the two of you, unable to hold back the laughter.

“Are you kidding me? That’s way better!” Sonya let out a defeated huff, falling back into her chair.

“A _male_ victim? Who’s a stripper? That’s gonna be a hard case.”

“That’s not even the brunt of it.” Alex definitely smirked at the way you leaned against the table, eager to hear more of the story, “One of the accused perpetrators…Pam Adler.”

“Shut the fuck up…” You were the first to reply, Alex giving a knowing nod at your outburst. Adler was a criminal defence attorney, you’d all gone up against her a few times in the past years, and you were the only one to have won, and even then it was only by a hair.

The three of you continued on your usual casual lunch for about another hour until your phone pinged, calling you away to the precinct. Sonya, Alex and you were all A.D.A’s in New York, you’d swapped departments a few times, but the D.A’s office found you all best suited in SVU, though you still picked up the occasional homicide case, especially when SVU was slow. You were the newest out of the other women, climbing your way up the ladder as everyone else had before you. You’d been surprised when Sonya took you under her wing, backing you up on cases you brought before the grand jury, she always had your back, defending you more than once when you thought you were about to get steamrolled. Alex was a bit of a struggle, you couldn’t lie, she intimidated you like no tomorrow, despite the fact that you’d actually gone to college together. The woman was powerful, classy, even in her first year as an A.D.A she was a fucking legend, and that, that made you think she’d absolutely hate you when it was decided the three of you would be splitting sex crimes. 

Instead, she’d given you a small smile, wishing you the best in the department before whisking off to a crime scene. You were thankful when the three of you fell into a routine of talking over cases together, a second and third eye on the evidence and each other’s arguments/questioning was always a good thing, and you had some weird niche that simply worked flawlessly. You’d grown closer with Alex, back in college you had a handful of mutual friends, she helped you study for a few classes she’d already passed, and you spent a few parties together. The alcohol kicking one of your asses more than you’d expected meaning that one of you slept it off in the other’s apartment on more than one occasion.

Alex would never admit it, wanting to respect your sexuality, but she’d had a little bit of a crush on you since school, she’d always thought you were attractive, hoping that some college experimentation would help you change your mind but it never happened. She simply held back, knowing that you could be a good friend, especially once you joined the D.A’s office. She kept her thoughts to herself, knowing that sharing them wouldn’t exactly get her anywhere, she was simply thankful for the fact of having a friendship with you, only her most deep thoughts coming to the surface when she felt the most alone wishing that it was you by her side instead of the coldness of nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been an absolutely helllish week as you dealt with the aftermath of your case with SVU, the only upside was your defence counsel was Sophie Devere, someone you could playfully quip back and fourth with. It was much nicer than having someone scowling at you the entire time, it was completely normal for opposite sides to be friendly outside of the court house. When things were finally wrapping up you groaned heavily as you pushed open the courtroom door, muttering something about how you needed a stiff drink. Sophie tossed you a playful glance, mentioning that she might be able to do you one better, an hour later your phone pinged with a text, 

_‘All set up, Serafina Resturaunt at 7. Let off a little steam, S.’_

And that was how you ended up set up on a blind date on your Friday night. Thankfully you kept a small amount of other outfits in your office for occasions just like this, when you were working late and racing off to an event or meeting friends. You packed up your case work, pouring a glass of scotch to calm any nerves while you scrolled through your phone for a bit, putting off the inevitable. Feeling the mood of the work day start to slip away you walked over to the small garment rack you kept in the corner, leafing through your options, torn between two you figured you may as well try them both on, unbuttoning your shirt, tossing it to a nearby chair.

“Hey, do you know anything about the People V. Martin, 2006 case?” Alex called from around the corner, stepping into your office.

“2006?” You questioned, stepping into her view, dress in your hands, clad in your bra and skirt.

“Oh shit, sorry!” Alex nearly immediately flushed, managing to tear her eyes from your frame after a hopefully unnoticed lingering glance. “You always parade around your office half naked?” You laughed at that, 

“Sophie set me up on a date, I’m trying to decide what to wear.”

“What if McCoy walked in?”

“McCoy knows how to knock…you and Sonya are the only ones that don’t.” You’d moved over to the wall of books, scanning through quickly before pulling one out and passing it to Alex, “Here. Info should be in here.”

“Thanks.” She did her best to keep her eyes on the journal as you retreated into the back half of your office, 

“K, I helped you now you help me.” Plucking your other option from the rack you turned back to her, “Blue or green?” You smiled at the way her head tilted slightly, taking in the outfit choices, analyzing the benefits of both in a way that was so uniquely Alex.

“Blue…” Before she even had time to think the green dress was back on the rack and your skirt was halfway down your legs. Really? Matching lace lingerie? Were you trying to kill her? She was quick to grab the bottle of liquor off your desk, pouring herself a glass in any attempt to make it through the next ten minutes.

“Will ya zip me?” Glancing over your shoulder you noticed she’d turned around again, you let out a huff of a laugh, “Since when did you get so modest?”

“I-just trying to give you some privacy.” Somewhat reluctantly she stepped towards you, thankful that you moved your hair out of the way yourself. Her hand softly braced itself on your hip while the other slid the zipper up quickly.

“You sure you’re okay?” Your eyes were directed to the mirror in front of you, smoothing out the fabric across your body, “You’re being kinda weird.”

“It’s just this case.” She quickly waved it off, leaning against a spare chair.

“Yeah at least you won your last one. I nearly got someone killed… _not_ my high point.”

“You couldn’t have known anything like that was gonna happen.” Alex’s hand darted out to squeeze yours as you moved back across to your desk, digging through a drawer until you found a pair of earrings, moving back to the mirror.

“Oh! Speaking of last cases…I saw that Amelia chick in the hall the other day..WOW! I wish I was that pretty.”

“Oh come on! You’re gorgeous!” You practically scoffed, 

“You have to say that, you’re my friend.” Alex rolled her eyes, if only you knew the half of it. She watched as you fluffed out your hair, combing through it with your fingers.

“Well she’s overrated, hardcore into asphyxiation.”

“Who says I’m not?” You smirked at her through the reflection of the mirror, laughing as her eyes widened, choking on her drink. “I’m kidding!!” Turning to face her with a laugh on your cheeks, “Well..mainly? I mean like, pin me down, maybe a light hand near throat, but the whole rope tying bondage thing isn’t my type.” Alex was unbelievably thankful for your distraction with your own drink as she shifted slightly uncomfortably.

“Sounds like your date’s a lucky man.”

“Let me meet him first before you start making assumptions.” You moved back to the mirror, taking a once over of your appearance.

“I expect all the details on Monday.” She watched the way your head tilted, your lips pursed in thought as you surveyed your reflection, her own eyes dragging up your frame.

“It’s missing something…” You murmured, half to yourself.

“You need a necklace.” 

“Hm..I don’t keep any at the office, the chains tangle too much if I keep ‘em in my desk.”It was without even thinking that Alex moved from the chair, hands clasping behind her neck, 

“Here..” She unclipped the small gemstone from her neck, hands swiftly swinging around your head, settling the jewelry against your collarbone, fastening it around your neck.

“You sure?” You turned back to face her and she was suddenly very aware of how close you were to each other.

“Yeah, “ She waved it off, stepping back to the table, sipping at her scotch, “I’m just meeting Liv for a drink, no need to impress her.” 

“Thanks.” Alex practically jumped when your phone’s alarm went off, blaring through the office. You were quick to silence it, double checking the time, “Shit, I’ve gotta go or I’ll be late.” You hastily moved through the room, collecting the things you’d need for the weekend, “Let me know if you need anymore info on the ’06 Martin case.”

“‘Course.” You pulled her in for a quick hug before practically dashing from your office, knowing she was more than capable of locking up for you as you headed out into the streets of the city.

*

As it ended up, you made it to Serafina before your unknown date, figuring you’d grab a drink at the bar to kill your time, not to mention it looked one hell of a lot better than awkwardly waiting in the lobby, especially if he bailed. Halfway through your drink you heard a voice beside you breaking your concentration,

“Y/N?” You turned to face the voice, a friendly smile on your face. The man was good enough looking, dressed in a nice suit, at least Sophie hadn’t completely screwed you over, 

“Hi.” You greeted warmly, 

“Trevor…” He extended his hand, giving yours a warm shake. Your brows furrowed slightly, a grin breaking out on your cheeks.

“Wait..I know you..Langan right?” He gave a small laugh and nod, “Yeah. I do believe I swept the floor with you on the Thompson case last month.” 

“I was hoping you wouldn’t remember that.” He admitted, quickly ordering a drink from the bartender, passing him a twenty to cover it.

“You kidding me, I got praise from Donnelly for two weeks after that, and that doesn’t happen often. You and Sophie at the same firm?”

“Yeah.” He took a sip of his drink, “She mentioned you’d had a rough week, could use a night out.” You rolled your eyes, 

“Wasn’t exactly how I’d hoped my week to be.” 

Trevor started to reply but was interrupted by the hostess mentioning that your table was ready. You gave him a soft smile as you followed him to the table, thanking him when he pulled your chair out for you. The conversation flowed easily enough, you both shared a lot of knowledge, ran in the same circles despite being on opposite sides of the courtroom each day. You wondered if he was trying to impress you by ordering a bottle of wine on the reserve list after asking what your preference was. As nice as he was, there was a definite lack of chemistry, you were thankful when you both jumped to entrées instead of having to suffer through a three course meal. When you finished your meal, there was about 1/3 of the bottle of wine left and the conversation rolled around to work yet again. You politely excused yourself to the ladies room, and on the way back in, stopped at the bar, thankful it wasn’t in plain sight from your table.

“Tequila please.” You ordered when the bartender came your way, “You know what, can you make that two?” You had your head ducked, attention on your phone as you prayed Trevor wouldn’t notice you up at the bar. You were noticed by someone else, someone who gulped at how well the blue dress she’d suggested clung to your body in all the right places, the way the small gem on your neck rested right above the swell of your breast in the pushed up bra she knew you were wearing.

“If you’re ordering tequila at the bar I take it the date isn’t going to well?” You nearly jumped at her voice, face shooting up to the blonde.

“Alex! Oh my God!” You laughed, “No..fucking Sophie..” You tossed back the first shot, grimacing slightly at the burn, “Set me up with Langan.”

“Trevor?” Alex cocked a brow.

“Yeah. I mean..he’s nice enough, not horrible looking. But like…I’m so fucking bored.” You tossed back the second shot, sliding some cash to the bartender with a smile, “I honestly don’t think it’s worth it to suffer through dessert to find out what he’s like in the sack.” Alex let out a bark of a laugh at your sheer honesty of your statement.

“Well your better decide quick…he’s headed straight for you.” Her eyes barely darted over your shoulder before they came back to yours.

“Save me!” She smiled at the pleading in your eyes, her hand linking in yours as she softly tugged you closer to her.

“Alex…you always spy on your coworker’s dates?” Trevor greeted playfully, 

“Nah, you just missed Liv, happy coincidence.” He glanced between the two of you, noticing the way you were much closer to Alex than you normally would be in the D.A’s office. “I..hate to be the one to break this to you Trevor, but Y/N here’s just too polite, a little shy sometimes. Sophie mentioned how much you were looking forward to tonight and she didn’t want to upset you, but Y/N is taken..very taken.” To emphasize her point her lips softly met your cheek, your bashful smile meeting Trevor’s gaze.

“I’m so sorry…”

“Oh..OH. No, I’m sorry.” He practically stumbled over his words, “I didn’t realize…”

“You know how it is.” Alex continued, “We all like to keep our personal lives private at work. God forbid it gets brought up in the middle of a trial.”

“I get it.” Trevor gave a soft smile to the two of you. “I should let you get going.”

“Oh, I can-“ Your hand reached for your wallet on the bar but Trevor shook you off, 

“Don’t worry about it. My treat.”

“Are you sure?” You honestly felt a little bad about the situation, especially about the lie, but you weren’t going to not take the opportunity in front of you.

“Of course! I’ll see you two around.” With another smile he turned to cross back to the table. You turned to Alex, practically burying yourself in the shoulder Trevor couldn’t see, doing your best to hold back your laughter.

“Thank you…” Your glee was met with a small laugh from her, a gentle kiss to your head for show.

“So..you really think sticking through dessert wouldn’t be worth it?” You glanced up, the two of you had your eye line set on Langan.

“You kidding me?” You smirked over at her, “You think that man knows anything aside from missionary?” It was Alex’s turn to snort,

“Honestly, I doubt it.” She smiled at the way you playfully smacked at her arm, “What’d’ya say you come over and we catch up on some Bachelor?”

“As long as you have sweatpants I can borrow. I cannot handle this dress any longer.” You glanced over at her, nearly rolling your eyes at her expression.

“I’ve got Lulu’s?”

“You don’t even have an old pair of Harvard sweats stashed in the back of your closet?” She shook her head with a laugh, “God. You are far too fancy to be a lesbian…we’re going to my apartment.”

“Works for me.” 

You linked your arm through Alex’s, giving Trevor a small wave as you made your way out of the lounge. At the very least you’d gotten a couple of free drinks and a free dinner out of the evening, and now you’d get to end it comfy and hanging with one of your best friends. Alex was simply happy she’d managed to run into you, she had truly been out with Liv at the same place, staying after the detective left for another drink when you showed up at the bar. She was always more than welcome to save friends from un-ideal situations, and this one got an added bonus of an evening spent with you.


	3. Chapter 3

The next few weeks were filled with another string of failed dates, boring men, ones that were intimidated by dating a powerful lawyer, or ones that bailed as soon as you had to call for a rain check ‘cause a case came up. You were almost at wit’s end when you matched with a _very_ good looking man who worked on Wall Street, seemed decent, in the right age range, no kids and you could tell he definitely made a lot of money. 

You were texting with Alex while you got ready for the date, having always sent details to her prior to your dates, this whole world of online/app dating wasn’t always safe and you were more than well aware of that. Munch had even gone to the gesture of offering to run the names through NYPD’s database, you laughed it off, telling him he was too paranoid for his own good sometimes. 

Alex appreciated knowing when you were out with basically strangers, and knowing as many details as she could about them in case things went badly, but she couldn’t help the little twinge of jealousy everytime you said you had a date. She constantly reminded herself that there was no point, that you’d never be interested and it would be in her best interest to move on from the little crush she’d developed. You’d been laying on the gushing particularly heavy about this most recent one, sharing the overly goopy pick up lines and flirtation he’d been laying on over texts. She could barely tear her eyes away from the goofy grin on your cheeks as you replied to his messages, finding herself wishing you had that grin when you texted her. When she found herself with thoughts like this she’d shake them out of her head, refocusing on work, shoving the thoughts and pitiful emotion to the back of her brain, to the pit of her being where she prayed they would stay. At least for a few days.

You met Conor at Mastro’s Steakhouse in Midtown shortly after seven that evening. You were impressed by his choice of resturaunt, the cheapest appetizer being a pricey $23, entrée’s basically all above $50. He seemed nice enough, even more attractive than his photos, the smile a mega watt stunner. Instead of simply ordering for you, or picking a pricey bottle of wine of the menu in an attempt to shine he asked your opinion, a playful back and fourth between you as you decided on drinks and appetizer’s. For once you finally had things going in the right direction, the connection was nearly instant, the flirtation was just the perfect amount, nothing too heavy or smutty. The conversation flowed easily throughout the meal, you both enjoyed the same kind of things, loved living in New York and agreed on more than a few touchy subjects. Things were finally going good.

*  
Alex had decided to ignore her phone unless it went off with an emergency alert, heating up leftovers for dinner while she tried to drag her mind away from you on a date. The fact that you hadn’t texted her anything since seven meant things were going swimmingly and now she’d have to deal with you gloating about it the entire next day, or however long it lasted. She was draining out the last of a bottle of wine, Netflix playing a Schitt’s Creek marathon on her t.v when there was a soft knock at her door. Groaning at the thought of work bothering her at a late hour, or Sonya hassling her to go out she pushed off the couch, tugging the door open. Her eyes widened at the sight of you standing in her doorway, a defeated look on your face, a to go bag with two bottles of wine sticking out of it in your hand.

“Thought you were on a date?” She began, 

“I was…”

“Seemed like everything was going great?” 

“It was…” You sighed heavily, “Til we ordered dessert. He asked what I did for a living and the second he found out I was a lawyer he asked if I could get him out of a felony possession charge for cocaine…” Alex couldn’t help the laugh echoing through the hallway, “He’s setting up dates while he’s R.O.R’d! Can I _please_ come in? I brought dessert?” You held up the to go bag.

“Dessert paid for by a cocaine habit?” Your free hand smacked her side, “What’d’you tell him?” Alex asked as she let you into the apartment, closing the door behind you, watching you flit through her kitchen with ease, grabbing two forks and a glass for your wine.

“Faked a phone call, said I was needed at a crime scene.”

“And if he tries to call for a second date…or representation?” She smirked at the glare you shot her as the two of you moved into the living room.

“Already blocked his number, he doesn’t know my last name, hopefully won’t be bothering me anytime soon.” You gave a weary sigh as you dropped down onto Alex’s couch, settling the container of lava cake between you, “I just…wish this was different, ya know?” She nodded as you glanced over at her, “I feel like everytime I get my hopes up it takes less than a second for them to get demolished, at this point why even fucking bother? Maybe it’s the job, the whole sex crimes thing tainting how I view people before I’ve even met them.” You rolled your head to the side to gain Alex’s eye contact, “Is it easier with women?” She gave a soft laugh in response, 

“It’s _better_ with women…that’s for sure.” You laughed lightly at the smirk on her face, practically rolling your eyes as your fork cracked into the cake, bringing a bite to your lips.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I’m right.” She replied, indulging into the dessert herself as you turned to her once again,

“I really hope I’m not intruding. I didn’t mean to throw off your night, I just…needed to be with someone I actually like…”

“Well I promise you there’s no cocaine charges pending in this apartment.” You rolled your eyes this time, successfully snagging the piece of cake she’d been aiming for. “And you’re not intruding, does it look like I have anything going on?”

“A decent Netflix binge at the very least.” You gestured to the paused T.V screen, “What’re we watching?”

“Schitt’s Creek,” Alex swallowed a bite of cake, taking in the confusion on your face, “It’s some comedy, a super rich family has all their assets taken aside from a small town they bought as a joke so they have to move their with their adult children and adjust. It sounds kinda stupid when I describe it like that, I’m not far in, still in season one.”

“Alex, _nothing_ sounds stupid when you describe it.” She was ever thankful that you were distracted with your wine when she felt her cheeks heat up at your comment, digging into more cake. She hit the play button on the remote and the two of you settled into a relaxing evening of comedy, friendship and wine, the dessert quickly finished.

You were leant up on the arm of the couch, your legs extending into the middle cushion where they met with Alex’s, a sense of comfortability going along with the contact. You exchanged remarks or comments over the show every so often, or distracted each other with stories between episodes, both happy to have someone to spend the evening with. You reached a new episode of the show when your brow scrunched, confused at Stevie and David sleeping together, 

“I…definitely thought he was…gay..?” You dared shooting a glance over at Alex, hoping your apparent lack of gaydar skills didn’t offend her, she simply shot you a smile, 

“Same.” The room remained quiet aside from a small handful of laughs and giggles as the episode progressed. Then Stevie & David were shopping for wine for a party that evening, 

_‘To be clear..I only drink red wine. And up until last night, I was under the impression you too only drank red wine. Stevie started,_

_I see where you’re going with this. David replied, I do drink red wine, but I also drink white wine and I’ve been known to sample the occasional rose. And couple summer’s back I tried a Chardonnay that used to be a merlot, which got a bit complicated. I like the wine, not the label.’_

Alex took in the perplexity on your face, the way your forehead furrowed, head tilted at the conversation going on on the t.v, watching as you attempted to comprehend it.

“What?” She questioned softly. You turned to her with the unknown still written across your face.

“I..I guess I’d never thought about it like that…” Your eyes dazed slightly as you were lost in thought for a moment, “I was raised that you were either gay or straight, it was black and white, there was no…gray…” Your gaze shot up to Alex’s, “Oh God, have I ever said something offensive?”

“No..” She laughed lightly, giving your calf a squeeze, “But gray exists. Very much so. Sexuality is a spectrum, it’s not just one or the other, it can be both, it can be everything. You can lean more to one side than the other. It can take time for people to realize, they may think they’re bi, but it turns out it’s society’s standards drilled into their brains, and they much prefer the same sex. It’s…a percentage for a lot of people…no matter what they identify as, they still might like the opposite party.”

“How is it that you’re so fucking eloquent when you speak no matter what the topic or how much wine you’ve had?” Alex outwardly laughed at that, swatting at your leg, 

“I’m just trying to educate you.”

“Well it’s working!” You shot back, a grin on your face, “Thank you.”

You settled back onto the couch at that, eyes directed back to the t.v, mind still playing over Alex’s words. True to what you said, you hadn’t been brought up with the idea of more than simply two sexualities, not that your parents were against it, but that it simply wasn’t spoken of at that time. You found your mind very distracted from the show as you traced through your life, realizing that maybe, just maybe, the ‘ _need’_ to be someone’s best friend in high school came from somewhere else deep inside you. That you idolizing female celebrities wasn’t just for their talent, to be completely honest you were about to have a full blown identity crisis on Alex Cabot’s couch before your phone pinged with a reminder. You jumped, hand reaching out, checking it, sighing, honestly out of relief since Alex hadn’t noticed your wandering mind yet.

“I’ve got an arrangement at ten, I should go…” Reluctantly, you gathered your things, moving towards the door, wishing your brain was more connected to your words as it ran wild, “Thanks Alex, I really needed a night like this.”

“Anytime.” She replied, pulling you into a tight hug before giving you a warm smile as you made your way down the hallway, smiling as you stepped in the elevator.

Alex let out a heavy sigh as she closed the door, taking a moment to lean against it and gather herself. It was getting harder to try and avoid her feelings for you, and the last thing she wanted was to destroy your friendship by either admitting them or shoving you away. Or..her mind dared dabble in the new possibility that _maybe_ , just maybe, after tonight, you were questioning things, that men weren’t all it was cracked up to be. All things considered, your friendship was the most important thing she had with you, no matter what you were battling with, she had to distract herself, setting a mental note to set up a few dates in the coming weeks.

By the time you got home your brain was in an absolute scramble, searching though every scenario of your younger years that you could. You scoured through mountains of memories, interactions with people, the few times you had kissed a girl..and you had to admit…it was better than those stupid dates you kept going on. That night you barely slept, unable to keep the thoughts of something more with a woman out of your head, it was safe to say you’d stuffed a desire so far down you hadn’t even realized it and you were more than ready to see what it had to offer. How you were ever going to go about that? You had no idea.


	4. Chapter 4

You were on a recess from your current court case, Sonya and Alex having both found their way into your office on the break. Alex was working through her own arguments while Sonya had simply stopped by to drop off coffee. Their conversation seemed to be focussed on each other and honestly, you were thankful, your mind drifting back to what Alex had said, _‘it’s better with women’._

Over the past week you’d started to wonder how exactly you were supposed to explore an entire new branch without any previous experience, how would you explain that on a first date? _‘Oh hi, I’ve never dated a girl, only ever kissed one and that was spin the bottle related, hope that’s not an issue.’_ Yeah, you didn’t see a lot of second dates coming after that. You’d started to consider bringing up the topic with Alex, thinking maybe it wouldn’t be too weird since you were already friends, that she wouldn’t judge you or drop you if you wanted to stop before going too far down the fooling around road. And in that moment in your office, you were starting to think that you wouldn’t want her to stop, your eyes trained on her hands as she twirled a pen through her fingers, imagining all the _other_ things she could do with them.

“Y/N…hey!” You jumped as Sonya hucked a pen at you, cheeks warming at the thought of being caught staring, you glanced up at the older woman.

“Sorry…what?”

“Lunch? Let’s get outta here.”

“Oh..I..I’m on recess, I’ve gotta head back over in five.” Checking your phone quickly, you realized you had to be back over sooner than that, gathering your things back together as you stood from your desk. “Drinks tonight?”

“I can’t.” Alex replied, shutting the paperwork she’d been working on.

“Oh?” You raised a soft brow to the blonde, stopping in the doorway of your office.

“Alex has a hot date.” Sonya smirked. You felt your chest tighten ever so briefly before a smile graced your face.

“Oh..have fun!” You turned your attention to Sonya who replied with a simple,

“You know where to find me.” You gave them a quick wave before darting back across the street to the court house, doing your best to focus on the case at hand, rather than the hands that now permanently lived in the back of your brain.

*

Alex and Sonya had settled into a booth at Forlini’s, wine and bourbon appropriately placed in front of them while they glanced over the menu before ordering. The topic of work blew through quickly as they relaxed more being outside of the office.

“You sure have been going on a lot of dates recently…” Sonya cocked a brow, “Trying to scratch an itch? Let off some steam?” Alex laughed, half rolling her eyes as she took a sip of wine.

“More like trying to distract myself.” Her mind wandered back to you, wishing she could shake it, but the dates didn’t seem to be helping at all.

“Work really got you down that much? C’mon Cabot, you’re tougher than that.”

“It’s not work…” Alex basically drained her wine glass, letting out a sigh as she looked across the table at the other woman.

“Normally I’d ask if it was a girl, but why go on all these dates if that’s the case?”

“Because she’s straight.” The blonde shot back quickly, “And she’s all I can goddamn think about. Petrovsky called me out for missing multiple objections yesterday because I was daydreaming like a school girl. I _thought_ if I made a point to try and get out on some dates that it’d help.”

“Well are these dates just dinner and drinks or are you fucking them?”

“Sonya!”

“What? I’m just sayin’, you get a real good lay in there, couple orgasms courtesy of _not_ your fantasies, _that_ might help.” 

Alex practically glared at her across the table, knowing that she was probably right, a first date that was always sure to be awkward small talk over drinks wasn’t going to help the situation. She also hated being called out on the fantasies thing, you definitely had been on her mind in the darkness of her bedroom after yet another unsuccessful date.

“You’re probably right.” She submitted with a sigh, briefly thanking the server as they dropped off the meals.

“So? You’ve got a date tonight, take her home and have some fun.”

“And what if the date is absolutely dreadful?”

“Then you skip dessert and go straight for the good stuff, I’m sure you can think of some more useful ways for her to use her mouth.”

“Jesus…” Alex muttered, turning her attention to the food in front of her.

“You basically have a rock solid excuse to be having all the sex you want in the world, why not indulge?”

“Because I don’t want it if it’s not with _her_.” The words slipped out before Alex even had time to process what she was saying, her gut, her heart, whatever you wanted to call it exposing her before her brain could cover it up. Sonya chuckled, 

“Then it sounds like you’ve got yourself a pretty big crush there.”

“Yeah…I know…”

*

Arriving home from work that night you were bummed by the fact that your apartment was empty. You had a big win in court that day and there certainly was cause to celebrate, you knew the squad was out at Beekman but didn’t really feel like hanging with cops right now. You poured yourself a glass of wine and settled into the couch, thankful you didn’t have any looming paperwork for once. 

Maybe it was the fact that you wanted to share the win with someone, or that you and Alex almost always hung out on Friday nights, but you found yourself missing her being around more than normal right now. You tried to pay attention to the t.v, your brain drifting off to the fact that Alex was out on another date, you were feeling disgruntled because she seemed to be having such success and you were on month two of failed attempts…right? Finally, you couldn’t bare your own company anymore, pulling on your coat and heading around the corner where you knew you’d find Sonya at her usual watering hole.

“You made it!” She greeted with a grin, signalling the bartender for your drink, “Heard you had a pretty big win today, congrats.”

“Thanks.” You smiled, taking a sip of wine, a moment of quiet lulled between you before Sonya spoke again.

“So you on the same boat as Cabot? Got any hot dates lined up this weekend?” You snorted a laugh in response.

“No…I’m over the crappy dates, men are such garbage…I think I might be barking up the wrong tree.” You mumbled into your wine, eyes trained in front of you to avoid whatever reaction Sonya would have.

“You jumpin’ ship?”

“No…” You sighed, brows furrowed as you tried to figure out the words, trying to explain it to yourself in your head before you voiced it to the other woman. “I..don’t know? You’ve slept with both…how’d you figure it out?”

“Honestly it just kind of happened…” She shrugged, “I mean…sex is sex, I don’t care where it’s coming from.” You hummed over a large sip of wine, using it as courage to keep the conversation going.

“But…how do you know you’re…okay with.. _everything?_ ” You risked a glance over at Sonya, “Like, I’ve kissed a couple girls before, no complaints there, boobs are nice, no problems with them, but…I’ve never even come close to…downstairs.” You grimaced at your words, hating that you sounded (and currently felt) like you were back in junior high.

“Well you have at least some experience there with yourself, so you’ve got that.”

“What if it turns out I don’t like…the rest?” Sonya shook her head at how absolutely timid you were being, the usual determined prosecutor completely vanished.

“Tell ya what, if you can picture a girl sitting on your face and it doesn’t turn you off, you’ll be fine eating a little pussy.” You nearly choked on your wine, because you could all of a sudden picture _a girl_ sitting on your face and turned off wasn’t exactly what you were feeling as the heat in your body surged south. “Ah-ha…” Sonya chuckled, “This isn’t just you being confused…you’ve got a crush on a girl…”

“Yeah…” 

“What is it with today? I’m starting to feel like the love guru.” Sonya chuckled, your head tilted toward her, a questioning look on your features, “Cabot went all off at lunch about her love life.”

“And?”

“I told her to make sure she gets railed tonight, it’ll help the situation.”

Oh.

There it was.

You weren’t just bummed your regular hang out got cancelled for a date, or jealous that Alex’s dates seemed to be going better than yours had.

Oh no.

You were jealous that Alex was on a date with _someone else._ You were jealous that that someone got to be the one tangled in Alex’s bed instead of you. This wasn’t just some curiosity of exploring your sexuality, you had a full blown crush on your best friend.

Thankfully the bartender quickly interrupted your thoughts before Sonya could realize what was going on in your little head, 

“How’re we doin’ over here ladies?”

“Four tequila shots please.” You thanked him and slid two over to Sonya.

“What’re we doing?”

“If Alex is out there getting _railed_ , and we’re sitting here alone in a bar with no potential conquests, we may at least get drunk.”

“You’re not wrong there.” She replied, clinking her glass to yours before throwing it back. “But hey, I’m not gonna be your… hands on coach..in this whole _‘maybe I’m gay’_ thing you’re going through, you’re like a niece to me.”

“Ew, Sonya!” Practically choking on the second shot, “No offence.”

“None taken.” She signalled for another round, and you knew you were in for a big night. You mentally reminded yourself to pace yourself, the last thing you wanted was to drunkenly spill your guts to Sonya, or worse, drunk dial Alex.


	5. Chapter 5

Thankfully, the tequila didn’t have you dropping any secrets, just a killer head ache the next morning. You spent the rest of the weekend and start of your week attempting to distract yourself and you suddenly hated the fact that Alex & Sonya both spent so much time in your office. You could barely focus on getting closing arguments done for your newest case, the proximity of the woman you spent your nights _intimately_ thinking of nearly too much for you. 

Friday rolled around and first thing Sonya was in your office, talking over her most recent case for your opinion on a few things. You weren’t surprised when Alex swung through the doorway, a frustrated look on her face, carrying a second bag more than she normally would have with her. She tossed down the duffle onto your couch as she swiped Sonya’s coffee for a large gulp.

“What..you suddenly start going to the gym?” You quipped.

“No.” She sighed, “A pipe in my apartment burst, I’m out for two weeks.”

“And…you’re moving into my office?”

“I figured I could stay with you.”

“Uh..I remodeled the guest room into a home office…” Alex did her best to maintain her composure, ever thankful that she’d chosen that moment for another sip of stolen coffee.

“You’ve got a king bed, we’ll..be fine. We shared a bed after college parties all the time. Please? I really don’t want to be stuck in a hotel that long.” She handed the cup back to Sonya, “There’s bourbon in this. I’m going on a coffee run.” With a quick nod she was out of the office as fast as lightning, it was only when she hit the elevator her brain caught up with the conversation. Her eyes widening, realizing what she’d done, obviously you weren’t going to say no, but now she’d have to suffer through not only seeing you day and day out, but in your more private moments, in your home, and most importantly, in your bed.

“It’s not even nine Sonya! Jesus.”

“Hey, whatever works. At least I don’t have a roommate…sorry… _bed_ mate for the next two weeks.”

That was when your heart nearly stopped in utter panic. Fuck. Alex?! In your bed?! Jesus Christ. It was already too late to get out of it, you couldn’t exactly kick your best friend to the curb when she needed a hand. Your mind was suddenly filled with images of the two of you in your bed, doing anything but sleeping, feeling the flush creep up your neck to your cheeks.

“Oh…my..GOD!” Sonya’s outburst regained your attention,

“What?”

“You’re little girl crush is Alex! You’ve got a crush on Cabot!”

“Sonya!” You practically launched across the room, slamming the door closed, “Shut. Up! She might hear you!” You quickly rebutted, “And no…it’s not Alex!”

“Really? Because the amount of gay panic in this office right now is very strong.” You smacked at her arm, “You’re really telling me you don’t want that stunner of a distinguished lesbian sitting on your face tonight?” In this moment, you wondered how the hell you’d managed to be any amount of a good lawyer, the heat of your cheeks ever apparent, your skill to lie and conceal completely vanishing from your repertoire.

“ _Please_ don’t say anything.”

“Hey, I’m not the one who’ll be sharing pillow talk with the princess for the next two weeks.” She hucked her now empty coffee cup in the trash, clapping against your arm, “Good luck kid.”

Letting out a frustrated groan you dropped down onto the couch, head in your hands, taking a few deep breaths. It was just two weeks, you could get through this, you could spend as much time at the office as possible, try and tweak your schedule just enough that you weren’t always around each other. You could sleep on the couch and claim you passed out watching t.v. Besides, like Alex said, you’d shared a bed plenty of times before, it’d be fine…although…back in college you didn’t have the desire to flip her over and trace every inch of her body with your lips.

*

To be completely honest, you were hella lucky when you ended up winning your case that afternoon, you were even more thankful to finally be heading home, you were in a very large need for a cold shower. You nearly jumped as you ran into Alex in the halls of the court house, you asked if she was done for the day and she mentioned that she would probably be at the office rather late that night. The defence had filed a handful of motions that she needed to work through and try and prepare for the next day. You gave her a soft smile and slid the extra key and fob off your key ring, handing them to her on their own separate ring. She thanked you as you wished her a good night, saying you’d see her later before turning the opposite way down the street as she headed back to the D.A’s office.

*

Alex wasn’t sure if she was focussed on making sure this case got the best work it possibly could, or if she was hesitant about returning to your apartment earlier than she technically needed to. Sure, it was just paperwork at the moment and she could do that at your place, her excuse being that if the detectives found something, it would be much easier for them to find her at Hogan Place. It was only about an hour and a half later that she threw in the towel, tossing her work into her bag and making her way to the subway. 

Your apartment was relatively quiet when she got back, she could hear a soft playlist coming from the bedroom the light from the half open door spilling into the hallway. The t.v was still quietly playing whatever you’d been watching, a half empty bottle of wine on the coffee table. She softly toed off her shoes, placing her bags down in the entry way, her blazer finding a home on the back of the couch. She was about halfway down the hallway when she heard a breathy moan coming from the bedroom, pivoting in her tracks back toward the living room. She hadn’t seen a second pair of shoes, and in an attempt to not embarrass you she could throw some ear phones in and pretend she had no idea what was going on. It was only at the next moan of words that she froze, 

“Fuck… _Alex_ …” 

Her breath hitched in her throat, her heart immediately picking up its pace while she felt a bolt of electricity hit her pussy. She had the names of all the men you’d gone out with…there were no Alex’s…and to her knowledge, she was the only Alex you even knew. Taking a leap of faith, she quietly approached the bedroom, gulping at the view of you bare in a silky camisole, hand buried under the duvet, the small movement of your wrist as you fucked your fingers evident in the way the fabric puckered. Your head was thrown back against your pillow, eyes screwed shut, hair fanned out around you, and fuck did she ever think you were the prettiest fucking thing. Knowing that you were thinking of _her_ while you touched yourself flipped the switch within her from respectful best friend to how she’d been _aching_ to act around you for months.

“Oh…Alex…”

“Yes sweetheart?” Your eyes shot open a surge of ultimate fear and embarrassment racing through your body as your hand stilled, mouth gaping as you _tried_ to even think of an explanation for the woman in front of you. Alex softly chuckled, “Oh…please…don’t stop on my accord.”

“I-“

“I _said_ …don’t stop.” She smirked, taking a few steps into the room, “Let me help you out. Are you okay with that?” You could feel the blood hammering in your head, it was as if this was some kind of fever dream, but Alex really was inches away from the bed. You gave a quick nod, causing her to chuckle again, thumb and forefinger tilting your chin up, “I need to hear you.”

“Yes…” You barely managed the word out, the contact of her hand making you feel like you were about to leave the planet, and it was only on your chin.

“Good girl. Sit up.” You immediately did as she asked, causing her to smile at your obedience. Alex swung a leg around your body, settling herself against the head board with her legs loosely wrapping around your frame, letting your knees fall open over hers. 

She encouraged you to relax against her front, her lips softly meeting the junction of your neck, her hand grasped around your already slick one, guiding it back beneath the duvet, surprised that you didn’t have any underwear on. She curled her hand, leaving just your pointer finger beside hers tracing through your folds, guiding you, dragging the juices up to roll your clit ever so softly. The tips of the fingers dipping into your heat before pulling more wetness up to your clit.

“You’re soaking sweetheart…I really get you this hot and bothered?”

“Y..yes..” You whimpered out, eyes scrunched shut at the feel of her hand against your most intimate parts. She laughed lightly, teeth nipping at your earlobe before she guiding your finger into your cunt alongside hers, a gasp leaving your lips.

“Good…just like that.” Her lips met the sensitive skin of your neck between her words, eager to make you feel as incredible as she could, “Now curl..right _there_..” Her finger hit the spongey spot inside of you and your hips shot forward, a cry echoing through the room. “See sweetheart…you can trust me.” You mimicked her finger, curling in tandem, your hips rucking up against your hands in a steady rhythm. “You have two hands, play with those beautiful tits.” You whimpered at the feeling of her hand cupping yours, bringing it up to squeeze the globe of flesh, back arching into her touch as she guided you to pinch at your nipple, rolling it between her fingers. Her hand left yours, slipping under your shirt to toy with the other side of your chest as she slid a second finger into your sopping cunt. Your breathing increased, chest heaving at the build up inside you, the fire burning even more than you ever thought it could. Three fingers stretching you out, the fact that Alex was guiding your hand, murmuring sweet praises against your skin driving you insane. “Put another finger in.” You groaned at the stretch, “Keep pumping, faster… keep curling baby, trust me.” You felt her finger slip out, hand moving to your clit, a gasp leaving your lips at the feeling of her pinching it, toying with it slowly until your hips met your hand at a steady rhythm. She started to increase the pressure and speed against your clit, pinching sporadically, 

“Oh God!”

“Let go…come for me sweetheart.” Alex sunk her teeth into the sweet spot on your neck, her fingers furiously moving against your clit, the others pinching your nipple hard. Your body thrashed against her, hips jutting off the bed, in ecstasy, a string of cries coming from your lips. She felt your hand still, buried in your pussy, she only let up on your clit when a whimper echoed through the room, your thighs clenching together, the hand you had on your tit tightly grasping at her wrist. “That’s my good girl.” Her lips ever so softly trailed their way down the side of your neck and shoulder, hands rubbing your arms gently as you came back to earth.

“Holy shit..” You were finally able to mutter, eyes still fluttering, head resting against Alex’s shoulder, relishing in the feel of her body against yours, the way you felt the vibration from her small laugh.

“Told you it was better.” When you’d finally managed to catch your breath you shuffled slightly, sitting up a bit, rolling so you could face her, the reality of the situation beginning to seep in. She recognized the hesitancy in your eyes, a soft smile on her face while she cupped your cheek in her hand. “You have nothing to feel weird about, _trust me._ ”

“What if I want to keep going?” Alex smirked, gently shoving at your shoulder, 

“Then roll over. Tonight will be about you, we can give you some hands on lessons later.”

“Are you-“ You were immediately cut off by the feel of her lips tracing their way down your collarbone, shucking up your shirt until she could wrap her lips around your tit, hand pinching at the other one. You moaned at the contact, feeling your legs clench together already, Alex’s lips smirked around your nipple at the feeling.

It didn’t take long for you to be huffing out in breaths at the way Alex teasingly made her way down your body, the way her teeth softly nibbled at the supple skin of your inner thighs. One of her hands reached up, grasping yours, nearly laughing at how tightly your fingers clutched against hers. She pressed small kisses all around your cunt, everywhere except where she knew you needed it. Your hips shot up, eager for more action before she smirked, tongue making a broad stripe through your folds, she moaned heavily at the taste of you _finally_ against her mouth. 

You let out a whine of a gasp, much louder than you’d expected, Alex felt so incredibly warm against your pussy, your free hand sunk into the roots of her hair, doing your best not to pull to hard as your hips rolled against her face. Holy shit was she ever good at this, you’d never imagined anything could feel this good, yet here you were.

Alex dipped her tongue into you, pulling out the juices she could before sucking a lip into her mouth, then the other, humming against your cunt at the way your hand tightened in her hair. She moved her lips up to your clit, toying at it with her tongue, smirking when your hips immediately shot up, a series of moans and whines left your lips. Her hand snuck up, sinking two glorious fingers into your heat as her lips wrapped around your clit, sucking it into her mouth, her fingers pumping slowly, giving you a chance to build.

“Oh fuck..Alex..that-feels-so good!” Your words were barely coming out intelligible at this point, she could feel your pussy clenching around her fingers as her mouth toyed with your clit, tongue hitting it harder than before. 

You felt the coil wrapping tighter and tighter, your hips thrusting against her mouth faster, moans gaining volume with each thrust of her fingers, with each lick of her tongue. Your body nearly seized, hips freezing as they lifted up off the bed, thighs quaking around her head as a strangled cry left your lips. Alex smiled softly, removing her mouth but ever so gently fucking you through your orgasm with her fingers, watching your breathing come back to a normal point. She pulled her fingers from you, sucking the juices clean off them before crawling up the bed, dropping onto her back. Her arm reached around you, tugging you to roll toward her, encasing your body around hers as you came back to earth. You could barely feel the hand that softly played with your hair, the lips that met the top of your head.

“You okay?” She nearly whispered into the room to break the silence.

“Yeah…” Your head twisted up to face hers, “But you-“

“I _said_ tonight was yours. If you want to keep playing later on, I’ll teach you everything I know.”

“Okay…” She noticed the nearly dejected look in your eyes, cupping your chin quickly to keep eye contact, a soft tilt of the head encouraging you to speak. “I…sorry if this is weird, but…we didn’t..I mean..can I kiss you?” She couldn’t help the laugh escaping her lips, 

“My mouth was just on your cunt, I think you’re more than entitled to a few kisses.” The hand on your chin moved to your cheek, cupping it softly as your lips met. Alex let you take the lead, lips moving with grace against hers, she let out a soft moan at the way your hand stroked through her hair, the way you eagerly accepted her tongue into her mouth. 

“You were…very, very correct.” She cocked a brow, “It’s one hell of a lot better with women.” Alex chuckled, pushing herself up to sitting, 

“Well sweetheart, you’ve got a lot to learn.” She met you for a soft kiss, “Lie back down. I’m going to get ready for bed, I’ll be right back.” With a soft smile you watched her retreat to the en suite, you weren’t quite sure how it had happened, but things seemed to be working out the best for the both of you. You certainly weren’t complaining anymore about having to share your bed with Alex Cabot for the next two weeks.


	6. Chapter 6

Alex stirred slightly in her sleep, aiming to roll over before she realized there was a heavy arm wrapped around her middle. Her mainly still asleep brain jumped into a panic of accidentally sleep cuddling you before she came to her senses and, now fully awake, remembered the events leading up to this moment. Instead, she rolled toward you, smiling at the way the sunshine crept into the room, illuminating your sleeping face. Her movement caused you to snuggle deeper against her, tucking yourself in the crook of her neck. She gently kissed your head, brushing your hair out of your face.

“You’re so warm.” You mumbled against her skin. She laughed softly, 

“It’s not very hard when you’re practically koala-ed around me.”

“Sorry…” You pulled away and she saw the flush on your cheeks.

“Hey, it was a joke, you’re welcome to all the cuddles you want.”

“You sure?” Your hand instinctively moved up to your neck, playing with the small gem laying there.

“Yes.” Alex paused, quirking a brow, “Is that my necklace?”

“I-uh, yeah. I guess I never took it off.” You replied, referring to the night she’d leant it to you for your date, “Here-“ Her hand caught your arm as you began to sit up to remove it,

“Keep it. Looks better on you anyway.” Alex tugged you back down to the bed, wrapping her arms around you to pull you into a kiss. 

Your hand quickly came to cup her cheek, pulling her body as close to yours as possible. Your lips moved leisurely and with ease against each other, knowing you had all the time in the world. The hand on Alex’s back slipped lower, toying with the hem of her shirt, a breath of a gasp escaped from her into your mouth as your cold fingers began to trace patterns on the skin underneath it. You took the opportunity to slip your tongue into her mouth, massaging against hers. 

As your hand moved higher up her side, she flipped the switch, dominating the kiss, rolling you onto your back, legs straddling your hips. Alex sat up swiftly, pulling her tank top off, tossing it to the floor before her hands slid under your shirt, rucking it up until you sat up slightly to allow her to pull it off. She captured your lips again, an arm wrapping around your middle to keep you pressed to her. She let out a small groan at the feel of your hands cupping her chest, squeezing softly, you smiled into the kiss at the way she ground here hips down on you. Your fingers began to toy with her nipples, pinching and rolling them between your fingertips. 

Grinding her hips down harder she threw her head back with a moan, you took the opportunity for your lips to kiss down her neck, nibbling at the sensitive skin, smirking against her as it resulted in a whimper. Your mouth wrapped around her nipple, sucking at the sensitive spot, hand still playing with the other one. Alex’s hand wrapped into the roots of your hair, holding you tightly to her body, gasping as you lightly dragged your teeth over her pert chest. Your hands moved down, grabbing at her ass, encouraging her to roll her hips against yours, you moaned at the brief contact. Before you could even think Alex had flipped the two of you over so she was on her back, a thigh between your legs. Her hips lifted, she kicked off her shorts, hands coming to the waist band of yours, tugging them down. You collapsed over her, letting out a whine as you felt her thigh against your bare center right before her lips hit yours, a fire behind them more than before. Supporting yourself slightly with one arm, the other trailed down her side, tickling over her hip bone before hovering over her pussy.

“This okay?” You whispered, waiting for her eyes to meet yours.

“Yes.” Alex nipped at your lip, “Roll your hips…ride my thigh. I want you to come with me.” You groaned when her hand clasped onto your hip, moving your body against her skin, spreading your juices, hitting right onto your swollen clit. “ _Good girl_.” She murmured against your lips, meeting you in another searing kiss, a hunger behind it she’d been starving for months now.

Your hand slipped lower, cupping her heat quickly before your fingers toyed with her folds. Following your gut instinct on what you would do to yourself, what Alex did to you the previous night, you began to slowly fuck her with your fingers. Dipping one in, whimpering at the warm feeling of her walls wrapped around you, you pumped it slowly, curling, searching for that spongey spot. She let out a small wine the instant you did, the hand controlling the rolling of your hips clenching tighter. You plunged another finger in, increasing the speed, twirling your digits, scissoring them deep in her cunt. Alex pushed you down on her thigh harder, the sensation electrifying through your body, you dropped your head into her shoulder, breathy moans increasing with each thrust. You could feel her kissing at the sensitive skin of your neck, teeth biting at the supple skin, it was only when your thumb came to roll against her clit that a moan of ‘ _oh fuck’_ left her lips.

A string of whimpers and cries bouncing off the walls of your bedroom from both of you as she shifted, flexing her thigh to hit right where you needed it. Your hips rolled in tandem with the speed of your fingers, you could feel the walls of her pussy pulsating around your hand, the way her hips jutted up, increasing the pressure. All that was coming from either of you were airy breaths, eyes screwed shut as you reached your peaks, fingers clenching around each other’s bodies. You fell slightly to the side, a leg still draped over Alex’s bare form as you sucked the air back into your lungs.

“Well it’s safe to say you’ve got that covered.” Alex rolled her head to face you, a wicked grin on her lips. You giggled, blushing slightly at the praise, lifting your head to kiss her softly.

“Thanks.” Half snuggled into her body, you kissed her shoulder, “You wanna shower?”

“Oh sweetheart…we’ll shower later. We’ve got all day to play, and I’m not done with you yet.” She chuckled at the surprise on your face as she sat up, reaching for her discarded clothing, “C’mon, you can cook us breakfast.”

“I have to cook?”

“We can order take out, but we both know I’m not cooking.” You laughed softly, tugging on the pyjamas you’d had on the night before following Alex out into the kitchen.

*

In the end, the only thing you ended up making was coffee, opting for some waffles, fruit, and a hefty side order of bacon to be delivered to your apartment instead. You ate at the kitchen island, conversation flowing as it normally would, only this time littered with a few kisses, a hand on a thigh, an overly sexual remark directed at the other person. You started to pack up the empty containers, tossing them into the garbage, moving to top up coffee mugs, placing them down on the island as you moved between Alex’s legs. Wrapping your arms around her neck you kissed her softly, her hand moved from your hip, stroking the side of your jaw, you paused at the sudden hesitant look in her eyes.

“What?” You asked softly, 

“I…need to say this before.. _this_ ” She gestured between the two of you, “Goes any further.”

“Okay?” You could feel the sudden increase of your heartbeat in your chest, worried that she, like what you figured any established lesbian would, didn’t want to deal with someone new to the game.

“If we’re going to do this, I don’t want to _just_ be someone you’re experimenting with, someone to learn the ropes from. You’re one of my oldest friends, and one of my best friends, not only do I not want to lose that, I don’t want to fall completely in love with you only for you to dance off with someone else.”

“Alex…” Your hand squeezed at hers reassuringly, “I could never. I’m just the dumbass who didn’t realize she had a huge crush on you ‘til you were on a date with someone else.”

“Okay.” She leant in, kissing you gently, “Because I want you to be _mine_. And _only mine._ ” You felt your heart (among other things) flutter at the spark in her eye, knowing exactly what she meant.

“Then I’m yours. _Only yours_.”

“Good girl.” She kisssed you again, smirk evident on her lips, “Because that pretty little pussy of yours? It belongs to me, understand?”

“Yes..” You breathed out in agreement as her lips moved down the side of your jaw, a sudden gasp as her hand cupped your cunt briefly before her fingers interlocked with yours. 

“Come on, let’s pick up on Schitt’s Creek.” Completely casual like she hadn’t just ferociously turned you on, she lead you to the couch, encouraging you to cuddle up against her as you opened Netflix.

The rest of the day was spent watching a few episodes, and then getting completely distracted with each other instead of the t.v. You discovered that, as Sonya had said, you had no problem ‘eating a little pussy’, groaning over how delectable Alex tasted, eager to dive in multiple more times that afternoon. Alex’s praise only riled you up more, blushing at the fact that according to her, you were the opposite from completely terrible. You would say that the two of you exhausted each other out, but it was much more Alex exhausting you past any point you were ever used to. 

The sun had sunk, the sky dark, you were curled up against her body, head on her shoulder, basically asleep when she realized it was definitely time for bed. Kissing your head softly before tugging you up, retreating to the bedroom where she wrapped her body around yours from behind, ensuring you got the rest you needed and deserved.


	7. Chapter 7

When Tuesday finally rolled around, it was busy for all three of you. You were continuing to chase down leads with Stabler, spending most of your day darting between SVU and Melinda’s office with far too many mountains of paperwork on a case that had started out as a kidnapping, morphed into a suicide of the mother, awaiting potential manslaughter charges. Sonya had been stuck in arraignments for most of the morning, working through paperwork for the rest of it. Alex had been working through a case in the courthouse, knowing she was well on her way to a win.

You were already exhausted, having looked through countless pages of files and law books, triple checking that what Warner was running was legal in New York (it was). You were chasing after the lead of kidnapped Baby Kendall, his mother now having killed herself after pressure from the press and untrue rumours that she’d killed her baby overwhelming her. Melinda had managed to run the DNA, finding out that the Dad who had been raising the baby wasn’t the actual father, leaving you and Elliot to go through a whirlwind of investigating to find the real father. Only, once the Dad was found, the baby turned up, completely unharmed at a fire station, only for the biological father, Paddy Kendall to show up claiming his paternal rights.

Though, that wasn’t the end of it, Kendall’s mother, along with her friends, had accusations that Paddy had been physically abusive, and she wanted him nowhere near the baby. Neither you or Elliot could bare to leave the baby in his care, alerting ACS about the situation, accompanying the agent to the house to make sure the job was done.

You were incredibly thankful when you were finally able to return back to your office, practically rolling your eyes at the fact that both Sonya and Alex were already in there settled into their own paperwork. Part of you had wished for a moment alone, or at least, alone with Alex after the insane day.

“How’d it go?” Alex softly asked, pausing in her work to look up at you as you moved through the office to your desk.

“As well as it could, I guess?” You let out a hefty sigh, dropping into your chair, “Now they just have to find enough to link Paddy to the kidnapping and pray we can make it hold up in court.” 

You groaned at the heat blasting through the building, the weather had moved into spring but maintenance clearly hadn’t caught up yet. You tossed your blazer onto a spare chair, wrapping your hair up into a bun with the elastic from your wrist, done with the professional part of your day you no longer cared how you presented. It was right after you flipped open a case file that Sonya moved to top up her coffee, her eyes shooting to you as you rolled your neck to work out a knot.

“Nice hickey.” She teased, the smirk evident on her lips. Your hand shot to the side of your neck you knew Alex had paid more than enough attention to the previous night, your eyes meeting hers in what both of you thought was a lightning fast reaction, a flush taking over your face. “How’d you manage to get some girly experience with Cabot sleeping in your bed?”

“I-uh…she was-working late.”

“Yeah…right.” Sonya laughed as she moved back to the table, “She left before five yesterday. No way a bruise like that is more than twelve hours old, you remember that knowledge is part of our jobs, right?”

Alex interjected , “I gave her the privacy she needed.”

“Sure you did.” Sonya smirked, “So, where’d you find this girl? Dating app? Bar? Ya know I’m curious why you didn’t go to her apartment when yours was so over occupied. Did she not question the fact that you only have one bedroom yet it appeared you have a roommate?”

“Alex was…in the office..”

“Stop lying to me. I may have been labelled a drunk in this office but I’m not an idiot.” Sonya hucked a pen at you that you did your best to bat off, “Are you blushing so hard right now ‘cause Alex caught you in the act?” That warranted a dark chuckle from the blonde, 

“Certainly caught her doing _something_.” She muttered.

“Alex!” You shot her a glare, doing your best to not blush any further.

“What?” She shot back, “She’s already figured it out, there’s no use fighting it now.” She flipped her papers closed, beginning to stack them up, moving to place them in her bag.

“Yes!” Sonya cheered, sly grin shooting between the both of you, “So are you just showin’ her the ropes or are you two an item now?”

“We’re..involved.” The blonde replied as she stood from the table, shouldering her back. Before any of you could speak again, the worlds fastest knock hit the door before it swung open,

“Why are none of you _ever_ in the correct offices?! It takes me three times as long to find you everytime.” Donnelly’s exhausted voice broke through the office as you muttered a series of apologies to your boss. She turned to Alex first considering she was standing nearest the door, “Your warrants. Drop them off on your way home?” She handed her a few papers.

“You’re leaving now?” Your brow quirked, not only was it still early but where was the point in making separate exits if Sonya knew.

“Yeah.” Alex gestured to the warrants, “Gotta drop these off….and I’m gonna swing by my place to pick up a few things.”

“Half of your closet is already at my apartment, what could you possibly need?” 

“Just…”Her eyes darted to Liz lightning fast, “some.. _things_ I didn’t realize I would need when I first packed. It won’t take long.” She gave the room a warm smile to the room before darting out the door.

“You’ve got a motion to suppress and a 730 hearing coming your way.” Liz tossed the two papers Sonya’s way before moving closer to your desk, “And you…I _really_ didn’t expect this from you.”

“I-what?” You felt your heart rate pick up, brain racing as you tried to figure out where you’d fucked up.

“You’ve officially been served, along with Detective Stabler.” She extended the blue paper toward you that you immediately flipped open, scanning through the document. 

“Harassment and violation of his civil rights?! You can’t be serious?”

“Oh he is…”

“I thought A.D.A’s were immune?”

“It’s limited to their role. The technicality of it is that you were aiding police in an investigative stage.”

“Oh _come on!_ We both know Peggy Kendall wouldn’t have given over that baby if it was just the ACS worker! Besides, I _know_ A.D.A’s that have gotten away with _much_ worse!”

“Well according to the suit, the two of you conspired to deprive Paddy of his civil and constitutional rights. Did you?”

“No!”

“Pity. Guy sounds like a douche bag.” You could only roll your eyes at Liz’s response,

“So what’re we supposed to do now? Trust our careers with a public defender?” Your eyes shot over to Sonya, who laughed in response.

“My reputations in the toilet right now, I wouldn’t trust _myself_ in this situation.”

“Ugh, fine.” You hand reached for your phone, only to be stopped by Liz’s hand around your wrist.

“If you’re about to call Cabot..I wouldn’t.”

“Why?” At first you cocked a brow at your boss, but immediately shrunk back at the look on her face.

“Because that would be a major conflict of interest. Don’t think I don’t know the gossip that happens in this building.”

“I-what?!” She merely cocked a brow in defeat at you, “It’s been _three days!_ Sonya’s the only one that knew and she _just_ found out!”

“The three of you are my main staff, if I _didn’t_ know everything that was going on between you I wouldn’t be doing my job.” She dropped your wrist, her attention still on you, “I’ve asked Stabler for all his information on the Kendall case, I’ll need copies of everything you have too, and I expect you in my office at nine tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“I’ll represent you both at trial. Be thankful you’re one of my best lawyers, I’m doing this for you, not him.”

“Thank you.” You gave her the most grateful smile you could, knowing that having Elizabeth Donnelly have your back, especially in a courtroom, was the best thing that could happen.

“Oh don’t thank me yet. You’re suspended until the civil suit either gets solved or is dropped. Split your cases between Sonya and Alex. I’ll see you tomorrow.” With that, and heavy groan from you, she was gone from your office. Sighing heavily you pushed your hands over your face and into your hair.

“Well…you’re the one still here wanna pick and choose your cases?” You asked Sonya. She laughed lightly, but didn’t miss the opportunity, moving closer to your desk to check through the files. You grumbled as she did so, shoving the subpoena into your bag along with the cases she didn’t want as you packed up the rest of your things. You’d hoped for a fun evening, and this…this certainly put a damper on things.


	8. Chapter 8

Alex was genuinely surprised when the door to your apartment swung shut as heavily as it did, jumping slightly in her seat at your kitchen island. Watching briefly as you kicked off your shoes, grumbling as you shoved off your coat, dumping your bag on the bench, your hand digging out a hefty stack of case files.

“You okay?” She asked softly, her brow quirking as you dropped the pile of files in front of her.

“No.” You huffed out, “I just got suspended…those cases are all yours now…sorry.” She dropped her pen, her hand reaching for yours, giving it a soft squeeze.

“What happened after I left?”

“The Kendall case…Stabler and I are being sued, fucking dick.” You dropped your head to her shoulder, letting out a soft breath at the feeling of her hand burying into your hair, her lips softly meeting your forehead.

“You’ll make it through sweetheart, trust me.”

“I don’t exactly have ten million dollars Alex! If they don’t drop this, or we don’t win, I’m fucked!”

“Hey…hey…” her voice was beyond soft as her hand stroked down your cheek, pinching your chin feather light as she redirected your eyeline to hers, “you’re going to be fine, okay?” She kissed you softly, “life can bite you in the ass sometimes, but you always make it to the other side stronger. Have you figured out a lawyer yet?”

“Donnelly’s gonna represent us.” Alex practically snorted at your reply, 

“Then everything will be fine baby. There’s not a case out ther she _can’t_ win. Donelly’s a goddamn legend.”

“I know…” you let your forehead fall against her lips again, “I just…wanted tonight to be…not this..and now I’m stressed as fuck.” Alex’s lips smirked against your skin as she kissed it.

“Finish this.” She slid her glass of wine to you, “then meet me in the bedroom. I’ll help you be anything but stressed. You won’t even remember work when I’m done with you.”

“Promise?” You teased, knowing she meant it with the gleam in her eye.

“Of course.” The blonde kissed you deeply, shooting you a wink before she left the room. 

Doing as she said you let out a weary sigh before lifting the wine glass to your mouth, taking a sizeable sip, letting the alcohol warm your body. You took a few moments to try and cool down, relaxing your shoulders, letting the steam you’d rolled into the apartment with slip away from your body and brain. 

_‘Everything would be fine’._

And if it wasn’t at least you knew you were about to get _absolutely railed_ by Alex.

As you drained the wine glass you placed it beside the sink to be washed later, shrugging out of your blazer as you made your way down the hall, tossing it into the laundry. You noticed the few toys Alex had laid out on the bed and your brow scrunched at the way the covers were pulled down and a towel was laid in the middle of the bed.

“What’s the towel for?” You asked

“Oh sweetheart…” Alex chuckled, “you’ll find out soon enough.” She came up to you, kissing you incredibly softly, her hands rubbing at the sides of your shoulders, “just relax, I’ll make you feel good.”

Her lips met yours again, moving with ease, smiling as she felt your body relax against her, melting into her arms. Her thumb soothed across your cheek, the other cupping the small of your back, your hands wrapped around her neck, pulling her to you. Alex ran her tongue across your lower lip and you let out a sigh as her tongue sank into your mouth, tasting the remnants of your shared wine. Her hands slowly began undoing the buttons on your shirt, gently pushing it off your shoulders before swiftly unclasping your bra, letting them both fall to the floor. Her hands ghosted over your skin, thumbs barely circling over your nipples. She broke the kiss for her lips to leave a feather light trail down your neck and across to your shoulder.

“Why are you being so gentle with me?” You murmured, she pulled her head up to catch your eyes, her hand still cupping your cheek, a curious expression on her features, “I like it when you’re rough.” Her head tilted, a sly grin breaking onto her lips while her brow cocked.

“If that’s what you want sweetheart.” You nodded in response, “what’s the word?”

“Peach.”

“Good girl.” 

She bit into your lip as her hands reached around you, quickly tugging your skirt and panties down your legs before dragging you over to the bed, letting you collapse on top of her while her lips met yours in a much more fiery kiss than before. Your body wriggled against her, the feeling of the fabric of her clothing against your bare skin riling you up more than you’d expected. One of her hands squeezed at your ass before giving it a swift smack, the other buried into the roots of your hair, tugging tightly. You groaned into her mouth, hips grinding down onto her. The hand on your ass snuck around the front of your hip, trailing through your pussy, elegant fingers playing with your juices. She slipped a finger in, pulling a whine from you. Alex busied herself with biting and kissing down your neck while she slowly fucked you with a single digit. She hadn’t fully decided if she was going to edge you or not, but as you began to beg, she knew her decision was made.

“I want more. Please give me more.”

“You sure you can handle it?”

“Yes..please Alex..I need more.”

“Alright sweetheart. Roll over baby.”

You did as she asked, eager for her to start to _really_ fuck you. She sat up between your legs, smirking as she added a second finger, slipping into you with ease. God you were practically dripping already. She simply just had that affect on you. Her fingers curled within you, hitting right onto your sensitive spot, your walls fluttering softly around them. A breathy moan broke free of your lips, out of pure instinct one of your hands trailed down your own body, more than ready to reach your release. Alex’s free hand darted out, catching your wrist sharply, your eyes flew open, catching the gleam in hers as she smirked down at you.

“Uh-uh…we will be having none of that…” You whined when her fingers disappeared from your cunt. Alex shifted on the bed, grabbing a silk scarf from the bedside table, your wrist still enclosed in her other hand. She moved back over you, pulling your other wrist to her hand, looping the fabric around your wrists with expertise before she wound it around the bars of the headboard. “You just lost your right to touch sweetheart.” She gave your lips a chaste kiss before moving back down between your legs.

This time she gave no teasing, plunging her fingers back into you with power, your arms immediately wrenched against your bounds, back arching off the bed. She pumped easily in and out of your wetness, curling to hit your gspot every few thrusts. She could feel your thighs start to shiver against her, the light fluttering of your walls against her fingers, her thumb hit your clit, pinching and rolling until your walls were clamping down around her, the instant she felt that, her hands disappeared from your pussy.

 _“Alex!”_ You half yelped half whined in protest. She simply chuckled, her mouth moving down to your thighs. She kissed and bit against the supple skin, before her hand returned to your pussy, the heel of her hand ever so lightly pressing against your clit while her thumb and forefinger spread your lips. She began to fuck her tongue into you, sucking and lapping joyfully. She increased the pressure on your clit, ever so slowly moving it up and down until you were nearly shaking again before she sat up, pinching sharply at your inner thigh. She leant over you, kissing your lips softly before sucking your lower lip into her mouth, letting it spring back as she sat back up.

“You think I should let you come now?”

“ _Yes_! Pleeease Alex!”

“Since you asked so nicely….” 

In your frustration you’d thrown your head back, missing the moment that she’d picked up the mini wand vibe from the small pile of toys, missing the slightly evil gleam in her eyes as she returned to between your legs. You let out a gasp at the feel of the toy between your legs, even before she’d turned it on, simply opting to rub against you with it.

“You sure you wanna come sweetheart?” Alex taunted, pulling a very whiny ‘ _please’_ from you before she clicked on the toy. She turned the vibrations onto the lowest setting, rolling it against your pussy, delving in the smallest amount while her mouth landed on your clit. Her tongue lapping with precision against the swollen pearl. 

Your arms burned against the scarf, you were aching to touch her, to hold her tighter against you, wrap your fingers into her hair, your knuckles started to turn white as you clenched against the fabric binding you. Alex moved the wand up to your clit while her fingers returned to your pussy, fucking you with expertise, flicking the vibe up a notch. She watched as your hips shot of the bed, the way your body began to tremble. Her wrist rolled the wand on your clit at the same moment her fingers curled inside of you, a string of moans left your lips, echoing throughout the room as your pussy clenched down on her hand. You felt like you were completely engulfed in flames, your orgasm building more and more, stronger and heavier than you’d ever imagined.

“Let go for me… _trust me_ …” Alex murmured, clicking the vibe up another notch. You yelped out, your hips shooting off the bed while you felt your orgasm shoot through you, wetness exploding from your pussy onto the towel Alex had laid out. 

“ _Ohhh fuuckk…”_

Alex switched the vibe back down to the lower setting, moving it from directly on your clit to rotating the head around the edges of your clit, relishing in the whimpery cries you continued to make as your body shuddered with pleasure.

“Told you to trust me.” She smirked, the toy moving down between your thigh and pussy, tracing the outline of your heat, juices slowly still dripping out of it.

“Thank you.” You murmured, instinctively pulling at your binds again, wanting to curl up against Alex, to return the favour.

“Oh sweetheart…we are far from done..” Alex leaned over you, trailing kisses up your shimmering skin, her free hand tilting your lips to hers in a gentle kiss, “you said you wanted to come. Now you’re going to keep coming until I say you can stop.” 

Your breath caught in your throat at her words, the edging had already done so much you honestly weren’t sure how much more you could handle. But you trusted Alex, and hell did she ever know what she was doing.

She shifted down slightly, dipping the tip of the toy into you, pumping it shallowly into your cunt while her mouth wrapped around your breast, tongue flicking against your nipple. Her teeth scraped against it, your back arching into the sensation. Her free hand snuck down, pinching your clit in the same rhythm that she toyed with your nipple, clicking up the vibration two notches. She heard the strain of the headboard as you thrashed underneath her, your thighs clenching together around her arm, any attempt to try to get her to pull up, but she didn’t, simply increasing the pressure as another orgasm tore through your body.

Alex laid a soft kiss between your tits, the hand on your clit moving to help her sit up. She couldn’t help but chuckle at how wrecked you were already. A little edging and two orgasms? Poor baby, you clearly hadn’t had anyone _truly_ take care of you before she came along. She clicked the vibe down one notch before she moved it back to directly onto your pulsing clit. Your arm tugged heavily at your restraints, your hips attempting to twist away from her, but her legs had you successfully pinned to the spot.

“I can’t-please, I can’t!”

“Oh sweetheart, come one more time for me, I know you’ve got at least that in you.”

Alex’s fingers easily slid straight back into your pussy, the sopping sounds loudly bouncing off the walls, her hand was drenched the minute she delved into you. She curled her fingers, swiping past your gspot and you let out a strangled cry, your eyes clenched shut as tight as you could. As she flicked the speed of the vibe up she watched as your muscles strained, your back arching off the bed, a chant of her name on your lips. Her fingers increased their speed, fucking you as if she was chasing her own release this time, the vibe pressed harder against your nub. You surprised her when your hips froze and you squirted for a second time, juices drenching the towel, dribbling down her wrist as you practically sobbed, burying your head into your arm. Her fingers slid out of your pussy, wiping on the towel, but she kept the vibe exactly where it was, rolling it over you softly.

“Enough. Pleeease! I can’t take it anymore.”

She glanced up at you, your heaving chest, sweat coated skin, your body still twitching in aftershocks as your thighs trembled under her in the wake of another orgasm. You may have been completely wrecked, but you weren’t using the safe word, and she knew you not only could handle, but _wanted_ another one. She lent over you, pecking your lips ever so softly, moving the vibe over your clit a few times before she clicked up the speed again, pressing it tighter to your overly sensitive body. A fully strangled sob escaped your lips and she could see the tears break free from your eyes as your upper body twisted, yanking heavily against the scarf. Your hips rocked uncontrollably up against her, she felt another gush of juices race out of you, a very shaky cry from your lips called her attention to your face.

“ _Alex!”_

She quickly flicked the vibe off, swiftly rolling off your body as she tossed the toy to the side. Her fingers deftly untied the scarf, slightly surprised as one of your hands shot out to grab her wrist, squeezing tightly as the aftershocks tore through your body. She was careful to keep her hands off your burning skin. You rolled towards her, your thighs clenching together, body shuddering every few moments as your breathing began to slowly come back to normal.

“You okay sweetheart?” Her voice was unbelievably soft as her hand reached out with a feather light touch, brushing your hair off your face. Your eyes cracked open, giving her a small nod, 

“Please?” The hand you had curled around her wrist pulled her to you and there was no way in hell she was going to deny you some snuggles after that. You curled against her side, letting out a relaxed sigh as her arms wrapped around you, lips meeting your head gently. After a few moments of silence, when your racing heart finally felt like it wasn’t going to explode out of your chest you were able to speak without the whine evident in your voice anymore. “Thank you.” Alex laughed softly, her lips kissing your hair again.

“You’re welcome.” She titled your chin up to catch your eyeline, “you think you’ll be able to walk in a minute?”

“Yeah.” You murmured, eager to snuggle against her again.

“Okay.” She pecked your lips, “I’ll be right back.” 

She smiled at the way you pouted when she untangled herself from your limbs, leaving the room. You could briefly hear her putzing around in the kitchen for a few minutes before she came back, a chilled bottle of wine and two glasses in her hands. Confusion took over when instead of returning to bed she moved into the ensuite, you heard water begin to run, a few more sounds echoing from the bathroom before she finally returned to the bedside, finally completely free of her clothes.

“What’re you-“ you started as you accepted her hand in yours to pull you up to standing. Alex kissed you softly to cut you off.

“I took care of you in one sense, now it’s my job to take care of you like this. C’mon.” She nodded her head towards the bathroom, “a nice bath will make you feel incredible.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took such a long hiatus on this story, I got stuck on what was going to happen next, and then lost motivation to write smut, which this ch obviously needed. I did figure out what’s coming next and it’s honestly not even what I expected so...buckle up...


	9. Chapter 9

As it turned out, your suspension was much more of a _‘I’m working from home and not getting paid for it’_ while you helped Alex with all the cases you’d had to dump on her (though she certainly made sure you got compensation for it) and a smattering of meetings in Donnelly’s office while you awaited the civil trial. You were honestly lucky it came up so quickly, and even more lucky when Paddy pulled out an ultrasound on the stand, Liz managing to call for a continuance to examine evidence, giving you and Stabler time to dig through and find a way to get him to drop the suit.

And to be completely honest, you didn’t mind the near month of having much less to do. You were able to catch up on a few things around the apartment that had been left in the dust over the past year. You deep cleaned the fridge, ever thankful when Alex had put in a grocery delivery for the two of you, finally able to have the time to make fresh, homemade meals every day for the both of you. You reorganized your kitchen, getting rid of all the doubles or triples of things, or things you never needed. It was a spring cleaning burst of energy to say the least.

When approximately 26 hours of Alex living out of a duffel bag had her whining you’d ordered a shelf off Amazon and despite the one day delivery, it was still sitting it its box in the bedroom. Naturally Alex’s clothes ended up tossed over it, winding up in them being wrinkled and she’d end up raiding your closet anyways. (A fact that was very noticed and called out each time by Sonya). You took the liberty of finally assembling it and unpacking the bag into it, adding a few of her things into your closet, doing a bit of a rearrangement and purge of your own belongings there as well. 

Part of you was completely fine with being the stay at home partner for a while too, you had the time and energy to have dinner ready when Alex got home, something that she would be eternally grateful for, the extra caseload kicking her ass. While she’d wind down from the day you’d usually go over her notes, especially on the cases that were originally yours, making notes here and there in the margins on things she might’ve missed. You continued your marathoning of Schitt’s Creek after dinner, happy to be able to bury in each other’s arms, furthering the relaxation and upping the endorphins. It was more than safe to say that you both really enjoyed having the other one around.

Finally after the civil case had been dropped you had a meeting with Liz to lift your suspension. You were a bit worried she’d keep you on some kind of modified duty, but she’d assured you that she knew you were one of the best she had, and after this….you weren’t about to slip up like that again, at least for a while. Post meeting you were just happy you had the rest of the day off and more than welcomed lunch with Alex and Sonya to hurry to.

“So…verdict?” Sonya asked as you slid into the booth, pecking Alex’s cheek quickly.

“Suspension over, civil suit dropped. Baby Kendall’s with his Step Dad and Paddy’s pleading to custodial interference.” You replied, snagging a fry from Alex’s plate.

“Donnelly keeping you a short leash for now?” She asked. You rolled your eyes, pulling a stack of folders from your bag, dropping them onto the table.

“Brunt work?” Sonya questioned over a sip of bourbon.

“Homicide’s swamped, so I get to pick up their slack.”

“Least you don’t have to deal with live victims in the meantime.” The brunette replied. You sighed out a soft nod, at least you were back at work finally. 

Conversation flowed away from your suspension and onto other work conversation as the other two batted off some ideas and strategies to you about their current cases. Sonya was sure to catch you up on the office gossip that Alex was too proud to indulge in, keeping to herself while you hadn’t been around. You all had ample time to eat and indulge in a couple of glasses of wine, the three of you free of having to be in court, it simply being an office or work from home day. Plates had just been bussed off the table when Alex’s phone pinged, you prepared to shift out of the booth to let her out but her hand reached for yours, stilling you as she softly squeezed.

“ _Fuck_ …” she muttered, swiping the screen open, her eyes darting across it.

“Work?” You questioned.

“No..it’s an email from my landlord.” She sighed heavily, dropping the phone back onto the table, “apparently there’s been more problems with the plumbing. Water’s now completely shut off and they don’t know how long it’s going to have to be off. Judging from previous experiences I’d say it’s probably time for me to start looking for a new place.”

“Well you know you’re more than welcome to stay with me as long as you need.” You squeezed her hand softly and in return she kissed the side of your head.

“Thank you.”

“Can I just state the obvious here?” The two of you looked over at Sonya, quizzical expressions on your faces prompting her to continue. “Just move in together.”

“I-oh-I mean-“ Alex stuttered over words as you let out a nervous laugh, 

“Isn’t that…fast?” Sonya laughed, rolling her eyes as she took a swig of her drink.

“You’ve been living together for almost a month already and things seem to be fine. I mean your entire relationship you’ve been at y/n’s apartment, I don’t see an issue.”

“There _is_ the age old joke of lesbians moving quickly.” Alex half smirked at you, you playfully smacked at her arm.

“If you went home tonight and Alex wasn’t there, you’d be sad, and you’d have trouble sleeping.” Sonya continued, “besides, didn’t you say you’d been purging your shit? It’s like your subconscious was prepping for this.”

“Stop!” You laughed, “I had more than enough time on my hands, I marathoned that Marie Kondo show the first day of my suspension. I guess it made me reevaluate how much of my stuff actually brought me joy, or whatever.”

“Does Alex bring you joy?” Sonya smirked from across the table and you did your best to shoot her a death glare while trying not to blush too hard as you glanced up at your girlfriend.

“I-…yeah…she does…” Alex smiled, ducking her head to kiss you quickly. You thanked God that Sonya happened to be distracted with the server for the next minute, very conveniently giving the two of you a semi private moment.

“You bring me joy too.” Alex murmured, a smile etching across her lips as she kissed you again, eyes gazing in adoration when she pulled away, a breath of a laugh at the flush of your cheeks. The three of you settled up, Sonya headed back to Hogan Place while you and Alex chose the work from home option for the rest of the day.

It was a few days later that you and Alex started talking over options, her lease was already down to a month to month basis and if she found somewhere new she’d be trapped in at least a years lease. You both knew without even saying it that you didn’t want to have to wait another year before actually living together, and that it would be a waste of money paying separate rents anyways. You reassured Alex that you were more than okay with her officially being in your space, and she assured you that she wanted nothing more than to be there alongside you. She ended up paying another month of rent at her old place as you both ended up pretty busy, not leaving a lot of time for sorting through things, packing and moving into your apartment.

Once she had handed over her old set of keys and been added to your lease you popped a bottle of champagne and spent the night celebrating together. It may normally have been a big step in relationships, but everything just felt completely right, like everything was falling into place finally. You’d both spent so many years trying to figure it all out when the answer had been in front of you the entire time, you just didn’t know it.

*

It was a rare occasion for you to be awake before Alex, but she’d had one hell of a long day in court followed by an evening with the squad. You had a few cases you wanted to get a head start on and hadn’t really had much to do on Friday, leaving your Saturday morning very open while she slept in. It had been just over a month since she’d become an official part of your home, a more than welcomed part of your daily live, eager to share those quiet private moments together. 

You heard the bedroom door creak open around 10:00 am, your eyes shifting their focus from your laptop screen to down the hall. The warm smile on your face was completely inevitable. Alex always looked so goddamn cute in the earlier hours of the weekends, her hair loosely pulled back, sleep still in her eyes as she padded out to the kitchen in search of coffee, soft in sleep clothes. 

“Morning.” She murmured, pecking your cheek before moving to the coffee machine. You couldn’t help but follow her movements with your gaze, watching the way she graced through the kitchen, dressing her coffee before turning back to you. “What?” Her head titled at the look in your eye.

“Can…can I say something?” You asked hesitantly.

“Of course.” She took a small sip of coffee, testing the waters before sucking back a larger mouthful of caffeine.

“I..I’m pretty sure I’m _in_ love with you.” Alex felt her cheeks warm at your words, knowing it wasn’t from her drink.

“Pretty sure?” She teased, moving beside you at the island.

“Well…” you ducked your gaze quickly before meeting her sapphire eyes, “I mean I’ve always kinda loved you, but…this…feels different.” Her hand reached out to stroke the fallen hair back behind your ear, “I’ve always loved spending time with you, but now..I love waking up to you, falling asleep beside you…I..lose my breath when you walk in the room.” Her fingers came to lace between yours, giving your hand a soft squeeze, “You make me feel more appreciated and cared for than I ever have in my life. And to be completely honest you make work hella distracting.” You laughed, pulling a snort from the blonde.

“You do have a terrible habit of staring at my hands while you’re supposed to be concentrating.”

“What can I say? My mind wanders…” Alex’s hand moved from her coffee to cup your cheek, nuzzling against your smile before kissing you softly, only pulling apart far enough to gain your gaze.

“I love you.” She pecked your lips again, “romantically” another kiss, “platonically” another kiss, “and definitely sexually.” You giggled at that one, “Sweetheart I love you more than you could ever imagine. I love every part of you, body and soul, and I _always_ will.”

“Alex…” you felt like you were an inch away from not being able to hold it together, pulling her to you for a deep kiss, “You mean the world to me. I love you.” 

Hearing the words escape your lips, the complete love radiating from Alex’s eyes back to yours as your arms were wrapped around each other made everything feel _incredibly_ real. It was suddenly confirmed in your brain that this wasn’t some kind of crazy dream, or temporary thing that would fizzle out, that Alex would end up wanting more, or you would change your mind. It confirmed that your waiting was done, you’d kissed all your frogs, and surprisingly enough to you, you’d found your princess, the game was over, you knew who you wanted to spend your life with. You’d never expected it to be your best friend, but you were happier than you’d ever been. 

And honestly, so was Alex. It had started out as some silly crush she tried to avoid, but the timing happened to be _perfect._ The universe certainly knew what it was doing, throwing every curve ball at the two of you right as you needed it to, to realize that you cared about each other, that you were truly meant to be together.

“Go relax.” You nodded to the couch, pecking Alex’s cheek, “I’ll make you breakfast.” She smiled, nuzzling against you for another kiss before she made her way into the living room. Tossing a bright smile over the back of the couch you couldn’t help but giggle as you pulled the eggs from the fridge, smiles rarely leaving either of your cheeks for the rest of the day.


	10. Chapter 10

Nearly eight months had passed since Alex had moved in with you, and they were easily the most blissful and love filled months of either of your lives. You were both so incredibly thankful and happy to be able to wake up in each other’s arms every morning and to curl against them each night. Truthfully, it wasn’t every day, but you at least got to spend those sleeping hours in the same bed. Sonya was still quick to tease you whenever she could, though it was always in a friendly manner, both of you rolling your eyes at it before one of you shot back with a sassy remark. You’d somehow lucked out in not having to disclose since Donnelly had figured it out before you’d even _thought_ about sitting down with her, and to everyone else, it remained a secret. Not that you wanted to keep your relationship private, but considering the line of work you were in, it made sense to keep your personal lives as far away from it as possible, even if you were entangled with someone you worked with on a daily basis.

Alex couldn’t believe how lucky she was, how thankful she was that you’d managed to open up just as her feelings for you spilled overboard of the ship she’d previously been able to contain. She loved you with her whole heart, and nothing less, the vision of your smiling face greeting her in the morning as you made breakfast made her weak in the knees. The knowing grin you’d shoot her in the courtroom when you had the time to attend her trials making her heart skip a beat (among other things) as she thought about the things waiting for her once she got home. She relished in getting to come home each night to you, sharing stories of your days that you’d missed out on, the delicious food one of you made while you laughed over the ridiculousness of something, the way you snuggled against each other on the couch while you wound down before bed. She loved you more than she’d ever loved anyone, and she made sure that you knew it every single day.

Due to that, you could barely help the small grin plastered to your face nearly all day everyday. You knew your life had shifted when you met Alex, but you hadn’t realized why until you finally got involved. And everyday since then you knew you were exactly where life wanted you to be, Alex had always been a friend, then a best friend, and now, she was someone you wanted by your side for the rest of your life. You were ever thankful for her love and appreciation, making sure she knew just how much you loved her love, showering her with affection as much and often as you could. You’d never realized you could actually be this happy in life, and you were incredibly thankful whatever god was up there blessed you with the opportunity.

You were currently curled in her arms in your bed, humming as her lips hit your bare shoulder, continuing their trail up your neck as you snuggled deeper into her embrace. Her teeth ever so gently nipped at your skin, pulling a giggle from you as you rolled in her arms.

“Morning.” You murmured, greeting her with a light kiss. 

“Good morning my love.” She whispered back, kissing you again. 

You smiled against her lips, ever thankful for the extended quiet moments in the morning with the woman you loved. Her lips had barely began to move with more passion against yours when the alarm from your phone blared through the room. You grumbled, reaching over her to silence the noise as you huffed out in frustration. Alex’s mouth moved down the side of your neck as her hands delicately traced up your sides, reminding you of the feeling they could create between your legs.

“Go in late…I’ll make it worth your while.”

“I know you will,” you chuckled, “but I doubt Petrovsky will accept _‘mind blowing sex with my girlfriend’_ as a proper excuse to ask for a continuance.” Alex laughed heartily, making sure to kiss you once more as you climbed out of the bed, “besides, today’s gonna be insane. As much as I wish I could spend it in bed with you, I have way too much on my plate aleady.” You leant down to kiss her, “relax my love, I’ll make sure you have coffee left. I love you.”

“I love you too.” She cupped your cheek softly, the adoration in her eyes bleeding through to yours as you nuzzled against her nose before she dropped back against the bed while you made your way to the shower.

You hadn’t been kidding, your day was insanely busy, too busy for someone who shared a department with two other A.D.A’s. Though you technically still split homicide, you’d transferred in from there and it wasn’t unusual for certain detectives to request you by name, knowing how well you were able to handle their cases, and they’d just gotten a few new lawyers in their department that no one was fond of. Much to your distaste it meant you got more phone calls than you’d like, and despite your protests, you ended up dealing with a lot of their bullshit on top of your already overfilled SVU plate. You were at least thankful that Sonya and Alex were usually willing to take cases off your hands when you needed. However the special victims perps seemed to be on a fucking spree recently and all three of you hand too much on your hands already.

Which is why when your phone had rang right after Petrovsky had granted your continuance you gave an annoyed huff realizing it was Captain Cragen, calling you down to the 1-6. 

You did your best to get as much information and paperwork as you could, eager to get out of the precinct as fast as you could. It seemed like at least a relatively easy case, you grabbed what you needed and bolted out of there, begging Fin for a lights and sirens ride back to Hogan Place to make your next court appearance. You barely had time to swing through your office to pick up the paperwork for your current case. You were so frazzled you actually jumped at the usual sight of the other two A.D.A’s in your office when the door swung open, 

“Where the hell have you been?” Sonya questioned as you raced towards her, 

“Working, what the fuck are you doing at my desk?” You shot back, hands wrenching open a drawer and flipping through until you found todays dates in the files, pulling the handful out.

“She got here first.” Alex replied with a small smile. She could tell you were stressed, her voice honestly calmed you with a simple four words, grounding yourself as you took a breath. You needed to remind yourself to not be stressed, you needed to help these victims, and you’d be no use to them if you were this scatter brained. Your hands moved back to your bag, tugging out the files you’d gotten from SVU, replacing them with the multiple cases you would be stuck in the court house for the rest of the day.

“Is there _any_ way either of you can take this fucking SVU case?” Both pairs of eyes shot up to you, trained on your stressed face, “guys please!”

“I’m fucking swamped, otherwise I would.” Sonya replied. You groaned, knowing she had at least half the caseload you currently did.

“Seriously?! Come on!!” You let out a heft sigh, “I have four arraignments, a 730, and two motion hearings to get through today on top of the day in court I already had to have continued! I don’t have time for another case!”

“You need to stop letting homicide take advantage of you.” The brunette shot back, you rolled your eyes.

“It’s SVU, not homicide! Please! I only have five minutes until I need to be in arriagnment.” Alex could see how glassy your eyes were starting to get. You rarely got emotional, hell she didn’t even know if she’d _ever_ seen you cry, but damn if she was ever going to let that tradition start right before you had to walk into court.

“What’s the case?” She asked.

“Rafael Zapata. Raped and murdered an undercover DEA agent posing as his girlfriend, it seems pretty open and shut, they’ve got a CI you might have to subpoena but it’s an easy win.” Alex’s hand reached out, taking the file from you, you paused briefly as she flicked through it.

“You need to breathe.” She smiled up at you, “I’ve got this. Go kick ass in court.” You let out a hefty breath you’d barely realized you were holding in.

“Thank you…” you leant down, your hand cupping her cheek as you pulled her lips to yours quickly, “fuck I love you.”

“I love you too.” She smirked, using the file to swat at your ass, “now go win some shit.”

Your day in court somehow ended up better than the way Alex’s day ended up going. 

After talking with the squad and figuring out the case she was quick to find out at the CI they’d talked about was another member of the DEA, and Petrovsky wasn’t about to let things go as easily as anyone had hoped. Though she thought she had everything figured out, that everything would be fine, she knew the logistics of the case, of the dangers and was more than confident in her winning the case when it hit the courtroom. She took the ballsy move trying to make a deal with Granger, and as much as he normally would have struck one with her, Zapata was nowhere near willing to allow any derogatory comments from a woman. It struck a nerve and he was more than riled up.

Nothing seemed to be going her way that day as she got called back to Petrovsky’s chambers, the only thing she wanted was to be at home, buried in your arms as she fell into a blissful sleep. Despite the case being a risky one, and it taking the main priority she knew she needed to head home, she didn’t cate about work anymore, needing to be with you. 

It was later than she wanted to get home, and she was honestly surprised at your smiling face in the kitchen when she got home, greeting you with a soft kiss. She could see how tired you were, the bags under your eyes more prominent than normal as you stirred through the rice on the stove. Your voice was softer than normal and you sunk back against her arms as she hugged your back with extreme relief.

“Holy fuck do I ever love you.” You murmured into the apartment. Alex laughed softly, giving your body a tight squeeze as she hugged your body tightly.

“I love you too.” Her lips hit your cheek, “you know you don’t need to make me dinner every night. I know you’re exhausted.” You sighed, a near shudder of a breath escaping your lips as you turned toward her, 

“I know…” you pecked her lips, “I just want you to be happy..” your free hand stroked her cheek, “I…worry..a lot…that I’m not enough for you. And I know I’ve been busy with work recently…more than busy. I’ve been so fucking overwhelmed I’ve nearly cried in court twice this week and I can’t have that!” Alex’s hand grabbed at your wrists, pulling your attention to her face, 

“Hey..hey…” she pecked your lips, “I am _incredibly_ happy. You make me more happy than anyone else ever has. Baby, you need to slow down, take a breath, you don’t need to take every case, start spreading them out between the three of us. You need to be happy, that’s the most important thing. And you are _everything_ that I need..I promise.”

“Okay.” You sighed heavily, letting Alex’s lips meet yours softly, “fuck…I don’t know what I’d do without you…” You murmured, your slightly glassy eyes meeting her smiling ones before she kissed you gently again. 

“Well lucky for you, you don’t ever need to think about that.” Alex smiled softly as she kissed your forehead, taking over the cooking from you, shooing you to the table to sit down as she wrapped everything up. She loved you more than anything in the entire world, and she knew when you needed a break, and tonight, was definitely one of those moment.


	11. Chapter 11

Alex spent the next few days back and fourth between the precinct, her office, the DEA’s office and more private meetings than she could count. She was honestly relieved that she’d been advised (and on other topics very strongly warned) to not talk to anyone about the Zapata case that wasn’t currently working on it. She knew you were overwhelmed already and the last thing she wanted to do was give you another reason to be stressed out, she was thankful you’d handed the case off to her before anyone realized how deep things were about to get, she wasn’t sure that you would’ve been able to handle it. Not that you weren’t good at your job, but you were wearing pretty thin already.

So when you’d asked how it was going, she simply said she couldn’t talk about it, you, being buried in a mountain of paperwork at your desk simply gave a small nod, leaning into the kiss she laid on your cheek before she had to take off to see Granger. You briefly shot a few text messages back and fourth throughout the day. You updated her that you won the first of the four cases you were taking to trial. She mentioned that she was likely going to be out much later than she’d intended, and didn’t want you to wait up, knowing how tired you were. You sent her one mentioning there was extra leftover take out in the fridge waiting for her before one reminding you that you loved her, and that you were going to bed. You thought you wouldn’t be able to sleep without her beside you but you were so exhausted all it took was a small melatonin and you were out like a light. 

And while you were blissfully unaware, completely surrendering to dreamland, Alex was sitting on the bumper of an ambulance, no longer worried about the direction this case was going, but utterly scared. She was worried for you, for her Mother, for herself, thankful when Olivia interrupted her downward spiraling thoughts, telling her she was going to drive her home. She was more thankful for the squad car outside the apartment, giving Olivia a soft good night before she made her way upstairs. 

Doing her best to be as quiet as possible she took a moment to check in on you, relieved to see your sleeping form curled up on the bed. She leant over, kissing your forehead softly, stroking at your cheek, smiling at the way your lips twitched at the contact, even deep in sleep. God did she ever love you. She was more than thankful now that aside from Sonya and Donnelly you’d decided to keep your relationship completely private from other work friends, that hopefully there was no way for anyone to link you to her, that hopefully nothing would end up happening to you, because god knows she would do anything to protect you. She knew there was no way she’d be able to sleep yet, taking an hour or so to unwind, a hefty glass of scotch accompanied the take out you’d left for her as she tried to think of anything but the events of the previous few hours.

It felt like it had only been minutes since she’d closed her eyes when you gently tugged out from underneath her limbs. She felt your lips hit her cheek before you shuffled off to the bathroom and the sound of the running water lulled her back into a doze. Alex didn’t have to be in court til nearly past noon, and you had an early morning hearing to get prepped for. You made sure to leave a plate of food in the fridge for her, the coffee left hot in the pot for her when she finally did get up. You’d ever so slightly woken up when she’d crawled into bed the night before and you knew it was much later than you’d thought, giving her more time to sleep in.

As you pulled on your blazer you perched on the side of the bed beside a still sleeping Alex, leaning over her to kiss her forehead, murmuring out a quiet _‘I love you’_ that she grumbled out in return. You brushed a strand of hair off her face and frowned at the small cut on her cheekbone, wondering what the hell happened after she left your office. Not wanting to fully wake her (and knowing you might not have time to get into it anyway) you pressed a feather light kiss right above it before leaving the house.

The day ended up being much more boring that you’d thought, and much easier than you’d expected. The motions Buchanan had filed for were denied practically right off the bat, giving you enough time for a coffee before you returned to face off against him for another case. At least you weren’t the only one being overworked this time? He spent most of the day pulling up character witness after character witness for his client, you easily dismantled two of them without even having to move from your chair and the Judge adjourned by three p.m.

Alex’s day started off with dropping the charges against Zapata, but only because the fed’s had a much stronger case, and were waiting in the courtroom to arrest him immediately. She briefly checked your office, only to run into Sonya said you’d left for the day already. Checking her phone she realized she had a few missed texts from you, she replied inviting you to join her with the squad for drinks at the end of the day, but you politely declined. You may have been whittling down your case load finally, but there was still a lot to sort through and Buchanan was trying to drown you with paperwork. You told her to have fun, she said she wouldn’t be too late, she wasn’t planning on missing out on cuddles tonight. 

*  
It was well past midnight when you _finally_ heard keys clinking in the lock, your head not looking up from the files you’d distracted yourself with.

“That was a long two rounds.” You murmured, highlighting a line in the file.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice, that didn’t belong to your girlfriend pulled your attention, “I didn’t realize you and Alex were roommates.”

“Benson?” You gave a small laugh at her statement, you were kind of surprised Alex hadn’t told her, the two were pretty close.

“I-sorry. I need the bag Alex had with her yesterday. Any chance you know where it is?” 

“Chair in the bedroom, end of the hall.” Your head tilted slightly in confusion. It was after midnight, a Detective was in your apartment, who seemed a little more frazzled than usual, and your girlfriend wasn’t home yet. Then again, this was Special Victims, you figured they’d caught a case or interrupted something during their night out and Alex needed whatever was in her bag and didn’t want to disturb you.

“Thanks.” The brunette gave a small nod as she headed down the hall, grabbing the bag. You watched her head do a double take as she passed the second bedroom, the one you’d refurnished into an office long before you and Alex had gotten together. She returned to the kitchen where there was more light to dig through the bag, eventually pulling out a small revolver.

“What the _fuck?!_ ” She certainly had your attention now, “why the fuck does Alex have a gun?!”

“Cragen gave it to her after they blew up the DEA agent last night.”

“I’m sorry, _the what_??” What the hell had Alex been keeping from you, at least now you knew where the cut on her face must’ve been from. Olivia paused, looking up at you and you could swear you could see redness around her eyes. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Alex…didn’t tell you?”

“I‘ve been swamped,” you gestured to your paperwork, “she came to bed after I was asleep, I left for a hearing before she woke up.”

“ _Fuck…_ ” Olivia muttered to herself, making the realization. You weren’t roommates, and you weren’t just sitting up waiting for her for girl talk after a night out, “you and Alex…?”

“She’s my girlfriend.” You stated clearly, “we kept it quiet, the people who needed to know were told. Alex said she couldn’t talk about the case, I didn’t press it.”

Olivia always hated having this conversation, from the day she started in the academy she hated seeing the anguish in the victims family’s eyes as she had to stay in control. But this wasn’t just any family, this was a partner, someone she knew from work, someone she would have to see practically daily and pretend to be okay in front of. And the victim had been one of her friends, one of her close friends, none of this was going to be easy.

“Liv what the fuck is going on? It’s the middle of the night and you’re in my apartment instead of my girlfriend, you’re pulling secret guns out of her purse? Where _is_ Alex?” Olivia let out a shaky breath, raising a hand to brush back her hair as she struggled to pull herself together and that’s when you saw it. 

The sleeve of her jacket was coated in red, the usually sparkling ring she had on stained crimson. Your hand instinctively shot to your face as you let out a gasp. 

“Please…please tell me that is not her blood.” Your voice shook, tears beginning to blur your vision as Olivia met your gaze, her tears pooling in her eyes.

“It was a drive by…outside the bar.” She let out a shaky sigh, “I’m so, so sorry.” A choked sob escaped your lips, you instantly felt your body shrink, curling around itself.

“She’s…” you couldn’t even get the word out, not wanting to speak it into existence, thinking that maybe there was someway that if you just believed hard enough, she’d walk through the door any second.

“Died on the table, the bullet shredded an artery.” Olivia hesitantly moved toward you, relieved when you nearly darted into her outstretched arms, sobs shuddering through your body as you buried yourself against her.

“It should’ve been me…” your voice was shaking, muffled by her coat and dripping with tears.

“No…no it shouldn’t have been.” She did her best to comfort you, a hand softly stroking at your hair, “it should have been no one. We should’ve caught the guy.”

“No.” You pulled away, wiping tears off your face the best you could, “it was _my case_ …I _begged_ her to take it! Fuck…” a sob wracked through your body, “this is all my fucking fault. I should’ve realized how dangerous it was, gotten her to take one of my other cases.” You turned back to face Liv, “Alex is dead because of me…”

“Honey don’t think like that.” She pulled you back into a hug, tighter this time to try and reassure you, letting her words sink in before your brain began to spin the worst thoughts up. She began to speak again but was interrupted by her phone pinging. “I can tell them I need to stay if you want?”

“No.” You instantly pulled away, grabbing a sweater from the back of the couch, “I’m coming with you, I need to know everything you’ve got.”

“You…can’t work this case…you’re too close to it.” She was surprised when you spoke again that your voice had hardened suddenly, a complete shift in your demeanour.

“The D.A’s office doesn’t have the same rules as NYPD, and last time I checked, I don’t work for NYPD.” You grabbed your bag and your keys, “besides, do you really think Stabler would trust Sonya with this?”

Olivia sighed, knowing that you were right on both parts. Sure, there would definitely be some push back from Cragen if he found out about your relationship, but at least they’d have a more than competent A.D.A on the case. And at least you’d have something to distract yourself with, something to make it feel like it wasn’t entirely your fault that the love of your life was dead. That you could maybe move past this if you could get her and her family some closure, get yourself some closure if you threw the bastard behind bars for life. 

Truthfully, part of you really wanted to curl up in a ball and sob until you had no fluids left in your entire body. But there would be time for that later, right now you had to do what Alex would’ve done and fight like hell, even if your heart was shattering into a million pieces the entire time. You’d finally discovered what real love could feel like, and if someone was going to dare take that away from you, you were going to make sure they felt just as miserable as you did for the rest of their lives.


	12. Chapter 12

The entire night had been spent at the precinct, exhausting every last resource the squad could to try and get any information about what had happened. Since Liv and Elliot had been on the scene they knew there were no street witnesses, but a canvas was sent out to see if any of the neighbouring apartments had seen anything, heard anything. They checked for street cams, staring at countless hours of surveillance tapes trying to find the same car from the scene, try to get a clip of even one letter from the plate. Ballistics was on hold until the lab opened in the morning, as was talking to the various prisoners that had already put threats out against Alex.

As the hours went on you were let on to more of the information Alex had kept from you, that these guys had your address, had her mother’s address, that Zapata had basically threatened her when she’d made a sassy remark during an interview. Olivia quietly reassured you that she was sure Alex wasn’t trying to keep secrets from you, but just wanted to keep you safe and as far away from the danger of the case as possible.

You only managed to drag yourself away from the 1-6 when your alarm went off on your phone. That and…every lead was exhausted that they could get a hold of. You made sure Liv knew that you needed to know the second anything came in involving the case before traipsing down to Hogan Place. 

*

It was just before your stomach began to grumble for lunch when you heard the door to your office open. You had your head down in your arms, you’d almost been asleep before the vision of Alex bleeding out in the street began to invade your imagination, forgoing the exhaustion seeping through your bones.

“Shouldn’t you be in court?” Donnelly’s voice broke through your thoughts. You didn’t move, simply mumbling a reply against your arm.

“Made a deal.”

“Don’t you have about four other cases you should probably be working on then?” You felt a folded paper drop onto your head, letting it slide off as Liz took a seat in front of your desk, just out of your eyeline.

“Made deals on all of them…don’t have any fight left in me…” you let out a heavy sigh, knowing you weren’t about to get out of this conversation. Shoving yourself up you moved through your office, pouring a fresh cup of coffee, offering one to Elizabeth.

“You look like crap.” She returned, “your girlfriend let you walk around this place in sweatpants?” You gave a watery laugh as you fell back into your chair, running your hands through your hair, “she wasn’t in her office, and I can’t find Paxton.” You barely heard her second sentence, brain still wrapped around the ‘ _your girlfriend’_ part.

“She’s not exactly my girlfriend anymore.” Liz sighed at the way your eyes began to glass over at your words, shaking her head as she put her coffee mug down.

“This is why I should’ve said no when you two disclosed, you can’t bring your personal bullshit into work just because you broke up.” You raised your head to your boss, brows furrowed, lips slightly parted in confusement and disbelief.

“Have you been living under a rock all morning?” Your voice nearly shook with your words and it was Liz’s turn to be confused, you were a great lawyer and a strong woman at that, why was something so trivial bothering you this much.

“I took the morning off, thought I was coming down with something so I slept in. I just got here.”

“You haven’t seen the paper…” now the shake was gone from your voice but it was so quiet it barely echoed through the room. Your hand grabbed the New York Times that sat on your desk, tossing it to Liz. You’d had to flip it over, the image of Alex’s face staring back up at you too hard for today, especially with you running on zero steam.

“This…this can’t be true…” Liz’s gaze shot up to yours. You sniffled, taking a deep breath, 

“Benson and Stabler were with her when she was hit, outside some bar.” You were surprised to feel a tear burning its way down your cheek, quickly brushing it away, “I was at the precinct all night with them trying to get anything but there’s no leads aside from knowing it’s somehow linked to Zapata…but we can’t prove it…”

“Oh God…” She dropped the paper down onto a free chair, “are you okay?”

“No…” you nearly laughed, “I will be once this bastard’s behind bars.” She gave you a stern look that you knew was a warning of you being too close to the case to prosecute, but you simply turned your attention to your coffee, “I was gonna go through her case load this afternoon but I can’t bring myself to go into her office…”

“Oh sweetheart…” Liz’s hand reached out, squeezing at yours, “I’ll go through it with Branch, you don’t worry about that okay?” She mustered up the best of a smile she could while you nodded, “how’s Sonya taking it?” You snorted.

“Exactly how you think she is.” You nodded toward the coffee table, “she polished off what was left of the Jack and disappeared after I told her.”

“Jesus..” She muttered, you gave a weary glance to your cell phone.

“The bartender at her usual place has my number…and I’ve been calling her every couple of hours to make sure she’s not choking on her own puke. I checked her schedule to make sure she didn’t have any appearances today, she’s clear.”

“You know you don’t have take care of everything around here. But I do need you taking care of yourself right now, understand?” You gave her a small nod, “why don’t you go home? Get outta here for the afternoon?”

“You really think going home where all of Alex’s stuff is is gonna make me feel better? Where I can still smell her perfume lingering in the air?” Liz stalled at your response, 

“You…two were living together?”

“Yeah…” you wiped another stray tear away, God, where were they even coming from at this point?

“I didn’t realize it was that serious.” As much as she needed to know what was going on with her staff, she also respected your privacy and boundaries, she wasn’t about to go sticking her nose into your business when she didn’t need to.

 _“I wanted to marry her…”_ your voice was back to that quiet far away tone, your gaze not even latched onto anything in the room while your hand toyed with the gem still linked around your neck. 

You didn’t even hear what Elizabeth said next, your brain still processing the fact that you’d finally said it out loud. You’d known it for weeks, you’d felt it for over a month, Alex had always been someone who had made you so incredibly happy, but once she was a solid part of your daily life, you knew you wanted to keep it that way. You said a silent thank your to whatever higher power was out there that you hadn’t wasted money buying a ring…all things considered…

“Y/N?”

“Sorry…” you shook out of it, glancing towards the older woman again, “what?”

“Go home…or…go track down Paxton or something. You can’t sit here all day doing nothing, you’ll drive yourself crazy. At least do it somewhere sweatpants are an acceptable piece of attire.” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at her words.

“Fine…” You pushed back from your desk, tossing the few things you needed into your bag before turning to the older woman as she stood, “are…you gonna be okay?” You felt nearly embarrassed to ask, knowing Donnelly was, without a doubt one of the strongest and badass women that you knew, but something like this would hit close to home, you knew her and Alex were close, and Alex had always spoken very highly of her. 

“I will be.” She sighed, a hand softly clapping on your shoulder, “this isn’t the first time something like this has happened at the D.A’s office…and it won’t be the last. So please… _be careful_ trying to solve this case..I need at least one of my prosecutors in working shape. And you’re the best one I’ve got.”

“Thanks…” you murmured, avoiding her gaze. You were genuinely surprised when she sighed, tugging you into her arms, and even more surprised when you felt her lips hit the top of your head in a maternal fashion. You’d never known Elizabeth Donnelly to be soft, you were honestly surprised she was even okay with sending you home for the rest of the day. “What if SVU calls?” You asked bleakly as you pulled away from the hug.

“Forward them to me.” You gave a small nod, moving toward the door before you froze, turning back to her.

“Uh- the uh…the funeral’s on Friday…if..you’re interested.”

“Of course…y/n..I really am incredibly sorry.”

“Thanks Liz.”

You managed to give her one last nod before leaving the office, escaping the place you’d spent so many hours with Alex. Not that it helped that you at least needed to stop at home next, you weren’t sure what you were exactly supposed to do there, surrounded by her things. What were you supposed to even do with them now that she was gone? Did you hold on to them? Wear her clothes? Give them to her family? Your brain was a fucking scramble and you had no idea how to fix it this time.

*

The funeral was a fucking emotional disaster, though you weren’t surprised. Alex’s parent’s knew you from college, and you nearly burst into tears when her Mom insisted you sit with them and that she’d been so excited to see the two of you at Christmas that year. She held your hand the entire way through the service, squeezing tightly whenever she heard a strangled sniffle or cry. You weren’t sure why, but Olivia seemed to be avoiding you the entire day, she’d given you a small nod of affection, a few small words of condolences again, but she was far from the woman who’d showed up unexpectedly to your apartment earlier that month. You were glad to see more than a few friendly faces from the D.A’s office and courthouse there, along with the entire SVU squad. You weren’t surprised when you saw Sonya stumbling her way through the repast, doing your best to put her into a cab, keeping her behaviour unnoticed by anyone else. It wasn’t long afterwards that you ducked out yourself without saying any goodbyes, you just couldn’t fucking bare it anymore. You needed to grieve how you wanted to grieve, and that involved burrowing yourself in the blanket on the back of the couch that still smelt like Alex’s shampoo while finally finishing Schitt’s Creek, polishing of the bottle of wine she’d bought for your upcoming anniversary. What you _weren’t_ expecting was the final season of the comedy, the one that had made you realize you could have feelings for someone like Alex, the one that had technically brought you together, was able to make you ugly cry over the soft romantic and family values that it ended up being very capable of. You woke up hungover, very dehydrated, and still on the couch the next morning, hating life even more than you did before.

*

In the following month you started to realize you’d need to start to box up Alex’s personal things, you just couldn’t handle having them around the apartment any longer. Not that you spent much time there, you spent so much goddamn unpaid overtime working thanks to Sonya still being a disaster that you were barely home. You were quick to toss anything like perfume, body wash and the like, things that you wouldn’t use, that you didn’t want the scents remaining in the apartment. Smaller Knick knacks, things that had meant more to her you packed up, stashing into the closet in your home office. You knew she had expensive taste when it came to clothes, managing to convince Liz into coming over to go through her side of the closet, sorting out what you should take to a consignment store versus just donating. You kept a few things, a spare Harvard t-shirt that you already liked to sleep in, a comfy pair of pyjama pants that were softer than yours, but you did your best to get rid of her stuff. It absolutely destroyed your heart to see it go, and you couldn’t lie, you still cried about it on a pretty regular basis, even if it was alone, in the cold bed of your apartment. Everyone at work commended you for keeping it together that someone you worked so closely with had been killed, only Liz kept a closer eye on you, making sure you weren’t about to go off the deep end. You managed to keep everything under control, keeping your job on a good level, prosecuting the crimes you could.

You wouldn’t ever deny it.

The night you found out that you’d never be able to prosecute Alex’s murder, that there was no way to track down the bastard that killed her, that there somehow wasn’t a lick of evidence, you smashed multiple wine glasses on the kitchen floor. You collapsed on the living room floor in a fit of tears, unable to even think of what you were supposed to do with your future. Bringing justice to Alex was all you’d been looking forward to, and now even that bleak option was gone. 

You weren’t the only one to take it hard, and honestly, you surprised yourself when you were the one knocking on Elizabeth Donnelly’s office door a couple of days later. 

“What can I help with?” You were genuinely surprised when her voice was soft, knowing that you were probably circling back to the first level of mourning due to the recent news.

“I need a new A.D.A.” You sighed, “I can’t keep doing the work of three of us and picking up the slack from homicide…it’s way too much. Liz..I’m at my breaking point…”

“Homicide has a new one starting tomorrow, transferred in from Queens. Branch made personal calls to the precinct to tell them to stop calling you.”

“Thank you…but I meant in SVU.” You hated yourself for what you were about to do, you hated being the person who snitched on a friend, but you were going through enough already, you couldn’t stay as strong as you wanted to.

“Please don’t tell me you’re about to hand me a resignation.”

“No!” You shot back, “but…you need to suspend Sonya…she needs to go to rehab…” you dropped into the chair in front of her desk, daring to meet her eyes.

“What?”

“I’ve been covering for her for weeks Elizabeth…I’ve been doing her case work, writing her arguments for her, cause she’s just too fucked up to do it herself. I’m so sorry…I never wanted to be this person, but..I can’t do it anymore. I just had Liv breathalyzer her in my office and she blew a 1.8…she’s supposed to be in court in an hour.”

“Are you kidding me?” You basically shrunk in your chair at the tone in her voice and she noticed it instantly.

“I’m sorry…” the tears you’d been trying to hold back, especially in this interaction began to threaten to burst from your eyes, “I just..it’s not fair…I mean…Sonya lost a friend sure, but somehow she’s the one allowed to be a complete mess, to show up to work drunk and it just gets blown off?! Meanwhile I’m the one stuck cleaning out Alex’s stuff from our apartment?! I feel like I’m a strand of silly string trying to hold the goddamn department together right now and I can’t keep doing this if Branch doesn’t hire someone else!” 

You buried your face into your hands, trying to hold back the tears, trying to not shudder from the cries begging to escape your body in front of your supervisor. You heard a shuffle as she moved through the office, surprised when you felt her hands on your wrists, moving your hands from your face, tilting your chin up to hers.

“Don’t ever sell yourself short. I’ve told you before and I will tell you again, you’re one of the greatest prosecutors that I have, and you always will be. I’m incredibly proud of you for coming to me about Paxton…it takes a lot of guts to do that when it’s not only a friend but someone with seniority over you. I’ll talk to Branch, I’ll see about getting someone transferred into SVU. I know he mentioned there were a few people with paperwork already started. And please…remember you’re not alone in this…”

“Thank you…” you murmured out, taking a breath as you wiped your tears from your face, “and…could you maybe suggest a lateral transfer? Or at least someone that has an idea of what sex crimes entails. I really don’t have the energy to coach some baby lawyer into the world of SVU.”

“I’ll do what I can.” Liz gave you the usual tight smile, “now how about you go home…have a drink..or..don’t..” she grimaced slightly, “just..take care of yourself. I’ll get someone to cover Paxton’s case.”

“Thank you.” You managed to shoot her a weak smile before you left her office.

Things may have not be anywhere near good, but maybe, just maybe they were getting better. You hated that you’d been the one to turn on Sonya, her being one of the only friends you had now, especially since Olivia had been so distant. You figured it was because her and Alex had been so close, that she was just as fucked up as you were now, or there was some weird history you’d never been indulged to. You thought you’d been able to lean on each other, but as things looked, you had Donnelly, and that was much more professional than anything else. You were only thankful when later that evening, after nearly a bottle of wine you’d gotten a text from Liz that the new A.D.A had been secured for your department, and would be starting within the next few days. If everything was going to be a fucking dumpster fire, at least you’d have someone to share the burden with, even if they didn’t know why the fire was lit in the first place.


	13. Chapter 13

Monday rolled around and you were thankful you didn’t have to deal with any court appearances or detectives so far. You’d had one phone call for a search warrant for the SVU case but you were being a bit passive aggressive and waiting on taking it down to the squad. Liv and Elliot were still acting fucking distant, so you may as well pull back too. Despite your relationship with Alex staying a secret from the rest of the squad, you were sure Olivia told Stabler, maybe that was it?

There was a soft knock at your door and you called out to come in pausing in your work as you realized you didn’t know the redhead who was now standing in your office, you could’ve sworn you’d seen her somewhere before but couldn’t quite put your finger on it.

“Can I help you?”

“Casey Novak. I’m SVU’s new prosecutor.” She extended her hand briefly, dropping it when she realized you weren’t about to greet her.

“VanRiel.” You replied, “where’re you from?” Her brow scrunched, 

“Uh…Upper West Side…?”

“No,” you half scoffed, “what _borough?”_

“Oh. Manhattan.”

“Please tell me you’re at least from homicide?” You groaned, dropping your head into your hands, though you already knew the answer. You knew all the A.D.A’s in Manhattan homicide already considering you did half their jobs for them.

“White collar.”

“ _For fucks sake Branch…_ ” you muttered to yourself before turning your gaze back up to hers, “listen, I don’t have time to baby you so I hope you did your homework. We deal with violent crimes, live victims, shit that’s definitely going to keep you up at night.” Your hand picked up the case file Stabler had dropped off the other day, along with the warrant they needed, “address is in the warrant, it covers pharmaceuticals. Benson and Stabler are already en route.” You turned back to working on your closing argument as Casey flipped through the file, glancing back at you.

“You’re not even gonna walk me through it?”

“I’m currently working on the case load of three prosecutors. You graduated law school right?” She nodded. You gave her a tight smile, “sink or swim. Welcome to SVU.”

You saw the way she rolled her eyes, but were thankful that she at least left your office, you didn’t want anyone getting in shit because the warrant wasn’t there in time. Or the even more likely offence that the detectives pulled some crap not covered by the warrant. Shortly after she left you sighed, your ears nearly ringing in the silence as you glanced around your office. You hated it in here now, it had been the social point for years and was now suddenly eerily quiet, no longer filled with the banter and teasing between the other two lawyers and you. You tapped through your phone until a quiet playlist echoed through the room, filling some of the empty space, hoping that would help.  
*

Being from White Collar, Casey didn’t know much about the office going ons within other departments, she’d honestly done her best to stay out of it as much as she could. She was more dedicated to the job and getting a good conviction rate than knowing the gossip that leaked through Hogan Place. She knew SVU previously had multiple prosecutors but one had passed away and the other…she wasn’t even really sure (truthfully, Donnelly, Benson and you had managed to cover up Sonya’s rehab stint in an attempt to save her reputation at least somewhat. You claimed she had a family emergency and had to head to Florida for a month or so). It only worked because everyone believed the word of mouth and no one bothered looking at paperwork to confirm.

Casey was about to find out that the detectives were just as brash as you had been, and clearly didn’t like their crime scenes touched by anyone other than themselves, or their cases interfered with before they called the DA. They both shot down practically everything she said, and every idea she had. She got it, she was new to the department, that didn’t mean she didn’t know what she was talking about it. Hands on experience was the best way to learn, to make sure that she didn’t miss anything in a future case that maybe they did, everyone slipped up once in a while.

Sure, she hadn’t expected a welcoming wagon, but this seemed much more harsh than she’d hoped for. By the end of the day there was barely an improvement on the investigation and she was more frustrated and annoyed than anything else. She managed to catch you still in your office as you were packing up, your coat already on and halfway through the room when she came rounding through the door.

“I told you I don’t have time to baby you…” shouldering your bag you began to move past her. Today was already the one month anniversary of Alex’s shooting, the only thing you wanted to do right now was pay a visit to her grave before the rain started and drown yourself (responsibly) in a bottle of wine. You were genuinely surprised when Casey’s hand closed around your wrist, turning you back to her and effectively keeping you in the office.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“Excuse me?!” You wrenched out of her grip, this was already a stark difference from this morning.

“You sent me down to that crime scene on _purpose_ just to piss off the detectives so I’d get an earful, didn’t you?”

“I sent you down there because they needed the warrant! And they have a tendency to play a little fast and loose with the law. _Especially_ those two.” Your temper flared when you turned back to the door and felt her hand on you again, tugging you back into the office.

“Okay, listen, I get it. I’m the new kid on the block, I haven’t worked your type of cases before, but there is no reason that everyone needs to have such a _stick up their ass_ because I’m trying to do the job I was hired to do! I’m supposed to be here to take some of the weight off of you, you can’t just complain that you’re too busy doing three people’s jobs to try and help me learn! I need to be taking my own cases!”

“ _Oh my God_..” you muttered, “I really don’t have time for a baby prosecutor temper tantrum right now, okay? You have an issue, you need to be walked through a case or how to do your job? Bring it up with Donnelly!”

You managed to swipe out of her grasp before she laid a hand on you this time, but her temper had been climbing every second. Casey was a perfectly good prosecutor and she knew she was damn good at her job and wasn’t about to let the stuck up, closed off clique of special victims drive her away from furthering her career. Her brain was fogged with anger and the words were out of her mouth before she even had a chance to think about what she was saying.

“You can’t all fucking hate me just because I’m not some dead girl!”

She knew she was in for it the second you reeled around, the fire in your eyes covering the slight shimmer of rage tears as you stepped towards her. For a second she thought you were about to slap her, and honestly, the thought crossed your mind. You’d known this girl for less than ten hours, interacted with her for less than ten minutes and she had the audacity to pull this kind of crap on her first day of work? Not on your watch.

“What did you just fucking say?” Casey had expected a yell, not the low near growl that rumbled out your words.

“I’m sorry.” She stumbled slightly over her words suddenly, “that was out of line. I know you guys were friends or whatever but you can’t treat me like crap because I filled an open position.”

“She isn’t just some dead girl!” Now your voice was raising, and you were slowly backing Casey into the office without even realizing it, “it’s not like she was in a fucking car accident! She was fucking gunned down on the street because she was trying to prosecute a case that I pressured her to take! She only fucking agreed to it because she was my _girlfriend_! I’m not sitting here whining about having a heavy workload because I can, I’m doing this much shit because _I’m_ the reason Alex bled out on a dirty sidewalk while I was waiting at home for her! I’m covering for Sonya because she was in such fucking bad shape after Alex was _murdered_ she drank herself into a fucking stupor and _I’m_ the one who had her suspended and sent to _rehab_ so I wouldn’t feel responsible for another one of my best friends deaths!” You only paused to take a shuddering breath, the tears in your eyes suddenly threatening to fall, “you _never_ get to speak about Alexandra Cabot ever again. Do I make myself clear?”

“I-“

“Oh _fuck you_ Novak.” You practically spat, managing to make it out of your office before the tears started to slide down your cheeks, doing your best to dodge down empty hallways on your way to the exit. 

Casey let out a shaky sigh, leaning back against your desk, waiting for the sound of your heels on the floor to disappear as you left the building. 

To say she had royally fucked up her first day was a more than true understatement.


	14. Chapter 14

The following week you were just around the corner from Hogan Place briefly stopping for coffee when you got a text from Liz saying she needed to see you before you headed into court. Sighing, figuring you knew what this was about, you added a second latte to your order before dropping off what you didn’t need in your office. 

“How much trouble am I in?” You cut to the point as you stepped through Elizabeth’s doorway.

“A good morning would be nice.” She replied, pausing in her work as you rolled your eyes, placing the coffee down in front of her.

“Good morning.” You perched yourself on one of the chairs in front of her, “can I do anything for you today?”

“You can learn how to play nice.”

“So this _is_ about Novak.” Elizabeth eyed you over her coffee, 

“Have you done something else this week that I should be concerned about?”

“Probably…” 

“Well let’s start with trying _not_ to tell brand new prosecturers to the department to go _fuck themselves_ on their first day of work.”

“Okay but—“ She held up a finger and it shut you down instantly. You knew you probably had it coming but Donnelly was usually fair in her rulings.

“She wanted to lodge a formal complaint.” A pause for coffee, or dramatic affect, dealer’s choice, “I told her I’d talk to you about it. From what it sounds like both of you were incredibly out of line, and I’ve already had a phone call with Cragen I’d rather not have to make again to address his squad. I understand she thinks you threw her to the wolves with that warrant?”

“That wasn’t on purpose. I needed the warrant at the scene, I hadn’t had time to look over the case yet and knew if the paper wasn’t on the scene those two would probably dig up something more that wouldn’t stand up in court. I was just trying to save a headache further down the road. Honest.”

“I also understand she said something about Alex that may have struck a nerve?” She cocked a brow at you and you sighed.

“Yes, that’s where the fuck you came in…and the yelling…but to be fair she did start the yelling first.”

“You can’t just tell people to fuck off whenever they bring up Alex, I know you’re hurting but you’ll end up burning a lot of bridges that way.” You brow scrunched as you glanced up at the older woman, realizing Casey hadn’t been one hundred percent honest with her wording.

“She said she just mentioned Alex?” A small nod, causing you to scoff, “she said and I quote; _‘you can’t all hate me just because I’m not some dead girl’._ So yeah…that struck a nerve. Whether or not she knew the details it wasn’t something okay to say.”  
“Well Casey knows that now.” Liz sighed, “she understands she crossed a line, and intends to make sure she doesn’t toe said line again.” She folded her arms on the desk in front of her, “she may be green to sex crimes, but she’s what this department needs right now, and she did save that little girl.”

“I know…” you took another sip of your drink, “so how long am I out for?” You were surprised when Liz let out a laugh.

“I can’t bench you right now! To be completely honest, I’m not even mad, just a little disappointed!”

“Oh come on Liz! You know that’s worse!” You shook your head at the gleam in her eye.

“The two of you need to sit down and apologize to each other, put whatever differences you have aside and play nice from now on.”

“You sound like my Mother.”

“What can I say, you’re the only kids I have.” She smirked, “which is why I’m worried about you.”

“Liz…I’m fine..well..I will be.” You distracted yourself picking at the rim of your coffee cup.

“Do you know why Branch and I agreed that Casey’s a good fit for SVU, and why she needs to stay on?” You glanced up at her, a brow raised, “she’s passionate, and she’s got heart…”

“You always said that was my thing…”

“You, Alex and Sonya were a fucking well oiled machine working together. It absolutely amazed me. It didn’t matter who the detectives called, you knew which one of the three of you would be best for the case and would swap things around to make it work best to get a conviction and justice for those victims. And then you worked together to help each other see a side of the case you might’ve missed. If the squad was being abrasive, you sent in Paxton with her no nonesense bullshit, Alex took the ones that needed an emotionless prosecutor who could take the blame if something happened during investigation, and you were the one who took everything involving a child, and the most live victims. You were the heart of the machine. But I think spending so much time with Alex, your ideals started to bleed into each other, she got softer, you started to toughen up. And in the past month, all I’ve seen from you is little tendencies and behaviours of Alex shining through. I don’t want you to end up as jaded as me down the road, and I certainly don’t want to see you make any kids cry on the stand.”

“Even if they’re an accomplice to murder?” You teased back, a small smile on your face.

“Even then.” She softly smiled at you before an alarm on your phone buzzed.

“Duty calls.” You sighed, standing from the chair as you gathered your things. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet, something like this happens again and I will bench you and I won’t be happy if I’ve got to do your job on top of mine.”

“Noted.”

“Now go channel your inner Cabot and make Reynolds cry on the stand.”

“I’ll do my best.” You let out a light laugh before giving her a nod of departing, darting across the street to the courthouse.

As it turned out, your day in court went a lot better than you’d expected after getting verbally reprimanded first thing in the morning. It had been a bit of a tricky case, you were thankful at least that it was lead by Munch and Fin, able to avoid the so called dynamic duo in the meantime. You easily led them both through their testimonies, Granger did his best to try and swing them off their game, but they didn’t vary from their statements or get riled up. It made your job one hell of a lot easier. 

Reynolds took the stand after lunch, Granger painting him as a saint, but slipping up at one point in his questioning. It had you quietly scrambling through your paperwork as you prayed that you hadn’t mixed up your cases, if you were right, Reynolds had just dug himself a whole he definitely wouldn’t have been able to get out of. 

As it turned out, you were able to comply with Donnelly’s wishes, channeling your inner Alex with this new connection of information you had the bastard in tears on the stand. A feat you’d accomplished for the first time.

Munch and Fin congratulated you once the jury had left to deliberate, offering to buy you a drink or two. You politely declined, not wanting to curse the verdict before it came in, and knowing you had a still relatively fresh case you needed to crack into back at the office.

**

It was late, entirely too late. The clock nearly passing midnight, Hogan Place was long deserted, but Casey had been utterly determined to prove herself on her new cases that she was willing to sacrifice her sleep. She’d only packed up her things when an old friend sent her a rather intoxicated text message, leading her to check the time, realizing how late it was, knowing she had an arraignment in the morning. 

Making her way down the hallway she noticed a sliver of light escaping into the hall from an office door she’d previously never seen open. Slowing as she passed the door she realized why it had always been closed, the name _‘Alexandra Cabot’_ monogrammed across the opaque window. She was about to move on, figuring it was had been left open by a cleaner or maintenance, when she heard a shudder of a breath and a sniffle coming from inside. Curiousity got the best of her, even though she didn’t really want to intrude, especially if her suspisions were right. She was on thin ice as it was. The softest of knocks on the door she pushed it open a fraction of an inch further, making sure to stay out of the office. You were sat on the couch, head in your hands, clearly upset.

“VanRiel?” Her voice broke through your foggy brain, wiping your face of any tears before you glanced up at her. The redhead stood so hesitantly in the doorway you nearly laughed as if she was prepping to get her head bitten off again. 

“Novak? Why’re you here so late?”

“I could ask the same of you.” She replied, noticing the spread out case files on the coffee table, the scribbled out words on a legal pad, the bottle of scotch beside it. You sighed wearily, 

“It’s stupid really…”

“I doubt it.” Casey leaned gently against the doorframe, still wanting to give you space.

“I got stuck on the Jeremy Brice case…I was on autopilot before I even realized where I was…and when I realized she wasn’t here…I couldn’t bring myself to leave. Like a part of me thinks if I just keep waiting she’ll walk through the door again like nothing ever happened.” Your hand reached out, taking a swig of scotch from your glass, “in a building surrounded by another hundred A.D.A’s and I’ve never felt more alone…” pausing slightly you hummed over the rim of your glass, “you remember when we were younger, some adult would make a comment about how the only friends they had were from work and how it would just seem absolutely ridiculous?” Casey nodded, “doesn’t seem so ridiculous anymore. _Two_ people vanish from my life and it’s like I have no one to talk to anymore.”

“I feel that…” You pulled your gaze away from the spot of nothing you were staring at, your glassy eyes actually meeting hers.

“You can come in y’know, I’m not gonna yell at you again. It’s not like I can afford two suspensions in one year.” Casey hesitated ever so lightly, but couldn’t help the huff of a laugh at your admission. “Grab a glass.” You nodded towards the shelf.

She obeyed, plucking one from the tray, dropping her bag into a spare chair before sitting on the couch. There was still a sizeable amount of space between you, the air of caution due to the only two in person interactions you’d managed to have both ending up with harsh words. If she’d needed anything from you, or you’d needed to pass a case off, you’d done it through texts or had one of the detectives do it for you. You tipped the bottle of amber liquid, filling her glass a few fingers, she muttered a soft _‘thanks’_ , a surprisingly calm silence briefly took over the office. It was as if Alex’s presence was still there, she always had her head on so straight, always knew what to do or say to calm you down, to get you thinking straight, realizing when you’d done wrong. Even before you started dating she was the one that was always able to pull you out of a spiral, able to admit your wrongdoings.

 _“I’m sorry.”_ You broke the silence, “I really am.” You risked a glance up at the other woman, “I never should’ve reacted like that, I never should have been so shut off when we first met. You were just trying to do your job. I know excuses don’t mean anything, but I was inches away from burning out before Alex…died. That’s why I threw the Zapata case to her. And afterwards…trying to keep it together for everyone around me…trying to make sure Sonya didn’t completely lose her job…I could barely sleep, eating took a back burner. I was scrambling to try and not lose cases, I offered way too many deals cause I didn’t have a fight left in me. It was wrong for me to come after you like that, you had no idea the circumstances, the history. If I had been open, or at least welcoming, maybe things would’ve made more sense. I just…didn’t want you to think I was weak, or vulnerable or anything.” You tried to brush away the fresh tears before Casey managed to see them but she did, and she fought the urge to give your hand a squeeze, or any reassuring touch, knowing how you’d reacted the last time. 

“Your apology is beyond accepted.” She softly replied, “and I’m incredibly sorry too. I was _way_ out of line, even with the knowledge I did have I never should have said what I did. And for what its worth  
, excuses sometimes do matter. I was just trying to prove myself. I mean, all through this building you’d always hear incredible things about the SVU trio, how well you worked together, how high your conviction rates were. And considering the types of crimes you’re prosecuting, that’s damn impressive. You guys were tight knit, and it _worked.”_

“Yeah…and now one of them’s dead and I’m not sure if the other one will ever want to talk to me again.” You muttered, draining your glass. “Sorry,” you cast her a glance, “apology accepted.” Casey gave you a soft smile.

“You really think Paxton won’t talk to you?”

“She…holds grudges…a lot. One off chance bad day first meeting and she’ll hate you forever. I don’t think she’ll ever be nice to Stabler…”

“You technically did save her career though. And possibly her life.”

“I know…I’m just hoping she’ll be able to see past everything.” You sighed shakily, “I think that’s why this has been so fucking hard…I spent all my time with Alex and Sonya, they were all I ever talked to, all I ever hung out with. I thought Benson would at least be someone I could turn to but she’s been so distant since it happened and I don’t know why. I’ve had no one to talk to about everything but Donnelly and involving your boss in situations like this isn’t my first choice.”

“Well for what it’s worth, my door’s always open.”

“Thanks.” You did your best to give her a soft smile.

“Though it might help if I actually knew what your first name was.” Casey half teased.

“Oh GOD!” You dropped your face into your hands, “I am _such_ a bitch! I’m sorry…” you looked up at her, “It’s Y/N.”

“Good to know.” She took a sip of scotch while you poured another small amount into your own glass.

“I just feel like I can’t let her go…not yet…she was my first real love. And I can’t stop thinking about how I should’ve done something different, how I could’ve _helped_ , how I should’ve just kept the case and she’d still be alive. If I had done more…maybe I could have saved her.” Casey felt the wave of emotion wash over her, especially as she watched your eyes glass up as you stared into your scotch, busying yourself with swirling it before taking a swig. She gave you a moment, waiting to see if you were going to continue before her voice quietly broke through the office.

“If it helps…I know _exactly_ how you feel.” You looked up at her, confusion taking over your face at the sudden glistening in her eyes.

“In white collar? Really?” She gave a watery chuckle.

“No.” She sighed, “just after Harvard. My ex-fiancée was schizophrenic. We were happy, head over heels in love, everything seemed fucking perfect…so perfect that she thought she didn’t need her meds  
anymore. That everything was better now. She slipped back into psychosis and…she got violent, a lot. The night I threatened to kick her out because of it she lost control so much the cops were called…the only reason she wasn’t arrested was because I pulled rank as an A.D.A and begged them not to take her.” Casey sighed heavily, taking a hefty swig of scotch, “she agreed to leave the next morning, after calling me a plethora of names and reminding me how much she hated me. A month later I got a call from the morgue…she’d been living on the streets, off her meds completely, got hit by a cab..”

“I’m so sorry…”

“We all have our baggage.” She replied, draining her glass, “listen, I know there’s no way that you’ll ever feel like your conscience is clear, but this Zapata guy would’ve gotten to you, Alex, or both of you, no matter which of you were trying the case. It’ll take a while, but you will come back from this.”

“Did you?” You nearly flinched at your own words, “sorry…”

“It took time…and sometimes it comes back with no warning. Feeling responsible for someone’s death isn’t a feeling that really ever goes away.” You nodded, taking a moment of silence to breathe, absorbing everything. You realized this was the most open conversation you’d had about the matter, and were surprised it was with someone you’d told to fuck off a week ago. You sank back the rest of your scotch.

“Thank you.” You murmured, the room quieting again before you realized something, “you really pulled your A.D.A badge to avoid an arrest? That’s not legal.” Casey’s eyes widened.

“ _Fuck_. Technically, you’re the only one that knows that, you better not be planning on blackmailing me with it.” You dropped back against the couch, a laugh on your cheeks.

“You want my dirt? I’ve committed five brady violations in the past month and the only reason I got away with it was because the residing Judge was Alex’s Uncle.”

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was being intoxicated on such little sleep and it now being nearly two in the morning, but you started to laugh, and Casey couldn’t help but join in on it. Sometimes all it really took was a similar shared trauma, a night of secrets that only the other knew that switched things around. True, it was entirely possible that you’d both come into work tomorrow cold and icy like nothing ever happened, or, things could start to open up. The small fit of laughter was broken by Casey’s phone going off, 

“If that’s Cragen that’s yours!” You stated plainly, knowing you’d had at least one too many glasses of scotch.

“No.” Casey sighed, pocketing the phone, “a college friend who is trying to convince me to come to an after party that I am definitely not interested in.” She glanced at the time, “c’mon, even if sleep evades you, I’m sure your bed is comfier than spending the night on the couch. I’ll walk you out.”

“Thanks.” You murmured, gathering your things.

You’d had everything with you to head home when you’d arrived at Alex’s office, the usual tradition of working together still engraved in your brain. Casey ducked out, giving you a moment alone as you wrapped your head around it all. You knew one day, probably soon this would be someone else’s office. Liz had already mentioned that it was only on her insistence that Novak’s was on the lower floor, that they leave Alex’s empty out of respect. Despite your office usually being the meeting place, there had been more than enough hours in here that you’d miss just as much as you missed Alex, and you knew seeing someone else moving into the space would hurt, no matter how long it had been. You gave a heavy sigh, swiping the bottle of scotch into your bag, making a mental note to collect the rest of the alcohol tomorrow…just in case.

Casey gave you a small smile as you entered the hallway, clicking the door shut behind you. The two of you said nothing while you made your way to the entrance of Hogan Place, flagging down a couple of cabs before bidding each other good night. Sure, things may have started off hella rocky, but it appeared you might actually have a friend at the D.A’s office now, which was what you really needed.


	15. Chapter 15

Over the next couple of weeks you started to feel more comfortable having Casey around at the office. True, she did stick to working in her own office, and usually kept to herself, but she knew she at least had a work acquaintance in you and wasn’t as shy coming to you with questions anymore. You did your best to keep her on the easier cases, at least the more emotionally easy ones, but she quietly assured you one night in your office that she could handle it, and that maybe you should be the one taking a little break from ones like that. She’d hesitated of course, ready for you to launch into it about how you were fine, but instead you simply sighed, giving her a weak smile and saying she was right. 

She knew she was officially in the clear of being hated by you when she started to get into it with Benson and Stabler over a case at the precinct, only to be interrupted by a loud _‘hey!_ ’ from you. Before you tore a literal strip off the two of them, reminding them that they needed to do their jobs before either of you could do yours. Casey was honestly impressed with how quickly they backed down, specifically Stabler, God he even actually apologized to you before you went off to your own interrogation room. She overheard you on your way out warning Cragen that if he didn’t want another phone call from Donnelly that he’d keep his squad in line and she couldn’t help the small smile. It was nice knowing at least someone had her back, even if they didn’t totally trust her yet.

You were finally starting to feel like maybe you were about back to being yourself again. Truthfully, you’d never be the same self you were when Alex was around, you grew and changed with life experience, but you were starting to feel somewhat _normal_ again. Not that waves of grief didn’t find you, especially on those cold late nights when sleep seemed to be avoiding you like no tomorrow. You’d gone to a couple of therapy sessions, and now on those late nights you found yourself usually writing, either journaling or letters to Alex, as if she was on vacation and would eventually return. 

Today, you were packing up early for an extended lunch, you’d done an arriagnment already that morning, and had mentioned to Cragen to forward any cases to Novak for the rest of the afternoon, but if anything came up overnight you’d take it.

*

You let out a shaky breath, rocking on your heels outside Garden Heights. Sonya hadn’t been allowed any contact with anyone outside for the first month, appointments had to be set up now for visiting hours, and you were honestly terrified at how she might react, only knowing she had a visitor and not who it was. (Though honestly, she knew it was you, at this point who else could it be?) Finally biting the bullet you jogged up the stairs and checked in, locking your belongings in a provided locker before you were escorted to the visiting room. You let out a breath when you took it in, the common area looked similar to a backpacking hostel, colourful, lived in, and welcoming, not like a goddamn jail like you’d worried. 

“Knew it had to be you.” Sonya smiled, standing from the table.

“You’re..not mad?” You nearly cringed, she let out a small laugh, 

“Not anymore...no. Get over here.” You practically sunk into her arms, feeling a rush of emotions that you weren’t expecting as her arms wrapped around you. You couldn’t remember the last time Sonya had hugged you, God it was probably your first year working with her, your first loss in the courtroom. You waited for her to take the lead before you retreated, dropping into the cushy chair at the table.

“How are you?”

“A hell of a lot better than I thought I’d be.” She replied, a soft smile on her cheeks, “I…need to thank you, I hope you know that.”

“You sure about that?” You winced.

“Yeah.” She huffed, “a lot of the people in here, there a hell of a lot worse off than I was. Things could’ve been a lot worse if I’d kept drinking.”

“Who are you and what’ve you done with Sonya Paxton?” You teased, pulling a laugh from her.

“I know, I know, out of character. But part of the whole…rehabilitation thing is the whole, forgiving and apologizing crap, so…I thank you for saving my ass, I only hope my reputation isn’t completely ruined and I can come back to work when this is done.”

“Well..considering the office thinks you’re in Florida taking care of a sick Aunt, I think you’re in the clear.”

“But…Donnelly…”

“She’s kinda given the department a bit of slack all things considered…”

“You doin’ okay?” Sonya hadn’t necessarily wanted to bring it up, knowing how hard it was on both of you, but she also knew that you always tried to be the strongest person, and that if you were pushed too hard, you’d break even harder than everyone around you. And the last thing she wanted was you falling victim to something worse than she did. 

“Uh…yeah…” you let out a heavy breath, “I mean…every day is a challenge, but…I’ll get through it. I miss her..a fucking hell of a lot, but..she’s gone. And I need to accept that. I think it’s kinda helping that they finally got a new A.D.A, having someone else in the department, not to mention the workload..”

“How’re they doing?” Sonya’s question pulled a laugh from you.

“Well her first day she referred to Alex as _some dead girl_ and I proceeded to yell at her and tell her to go fuck herself..so..there’s your drama update.”

“You’re kidding me?!” She nearly howled with laughter, “I bet Donnelly loved that.” You grimaced, 

“I would’ve been in a lot more trouble if I wasn’t the only prosecutor she had. But honestly, Novak and I were both on short fuses, we’d both had shitty days and said things neither of us should’ve said.”

“So what, you’re best friends now?” You laughed, 

“No. But she’s not bad. She’s trying, she’s been good at her job so far, seems to be settling in pretty well.” You pulled a hand up from the chair, sliding a notebook across the table, “besides, enough about actual work! This is full of all the gossip in the office since you’ve been gone..and you better fucking appreciate it cause it’s hand written.” Sonya laughed, flipping through a couple of pages.

“This is amazing, thank you.”

“Yeah well…I was gonna bring you your oh so loved chickory coffee but I figured they wouldn’t let me bring any food or drink in here.”

“You’re right on that.” The older woman smiled, pausing slightly as she looked across at you, “you sure you’re okay? You look exhausted.” You rolled your eyes, 

“Sleeping’s hard…” you admitted, “I kinda wish we’d never lived together, would make being at home easier. I’ve just been working a lot.”

“Well take some time for yourself kid…you deserve it. You _need_ it. I know how much Alex meant to you, how much you meant to her, the two of you were the happiest I’d ever seen either of you the entire time you knew each other.”

“Yeah…” you picked at the hem of your blazer to distract yourself.

“But that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to be happy again, you realize that right?”

“They really are pumping you full of therapy here aren’t they?” You joked. Sonya snorted, smacking your arm with the notebook.

“It’s for the better. But I mean it. Alex was one of your big loves, but there’s another one out there for you, trust me.” Her hand squeezed at yours, “don’t be afraid to go searching for it, and don’t be afraid to let yourself fall again. Alex would only want you to be happy, that’s all she ever wanted, I heard enough of it to know.” 

“Please.” You laughed watery.

“I mean it, even if it was the jealousy talking, she always said she was happy you were getting out there on all those dates. And that goofy smile she got everytime she talked about you once you two idiots finally got together? She loved you more than anything, and someone like that isn’t going to want you sulking over her forever, she’s going to want you to get back out there and find someone to make you as happy as you made her.”

“I’m starting to feel like sober Sonya is Ghandi or something.” You laughed and she smacked your arm again.

“What can I say, my head’s finally clear.” Her watch beeped a few times and she sighed, pushing up from the table, “my time is up.” You followed her lead, 

“It was really great to see you Sonya. Honestly, I can’t wait ‘til you’re back at work.”

“Awe kid..you say that now.” She pulled you into another hug, “I know I don’t say this enough, and maybe it’s the rehab talking, but I love you. Take care of yourself.”

“I will.” You murmured, “love you too.”

As you pulled away you gave her a soft smile, a little wave as she left the room. You gave a heavy sigh, she seemed to be doing incredible, and she wanted you to be doing just as amazing, and most importantly she didn’t hate you. You breathed out the negative thoughts you’d walked into today with, giving the receptionist a small smile as she passed you back your things.

Despite it being late fall, the weather wasn’t too bad, and you opted to walk back to the office, it was further than you normally would, but you knew the fresh air and exercise would probably help, even if you were in heels. You were thankful you only had to pick up your work bag and a few files before you could head home, pushing open the door to your office. It was when you noticed a body inside that you jumped, 

“Jesus!”

Casey whipped around, an immediate world of worry written on her face, 

“I’m so sorry! I was looking for a law journal..you weren’t answering your phone.”

“It’s fine..” you dropped your stuff onto the couch, “I’m just not used to finding people in my office anymore.”

“Oh…fuck…” she muttered, “I’m sorry…I..should’ve realized—“

“I said it’s fine. Besides, my phone was turned off. I forgot to turn it back on, they made me turn it off.”

“Rikers?” She asked.

“No…I went to see Sonya.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah…” you smiled softly, “what’re you looking for?”

“Uh, People v. Rasmussen. 2001?” She asked. You nodded, ducking towards one of the shelves you barely used. You noted the small post it stuck right above where the book should have been, the small heart drawn on it and you let out a groan.

“ _Fuck._.” you muttered.

“Everything okay?” Casey softly asked. You plucked the post it from the shelf as you stood, turning back to her with it on display.

“Alex stole it. It’s either in her office or at the apartment.” You sighed, “she used to do this whenever she took something when I was in court, so I’d know she had it and I wasn’t crazy that it just went missing.”

“Oh. I can-“

“No.” You shook your head, “are you done with actual office stuff for the day?”

“Yeah.”

“K, grab whatever you need from your office. I’ll check Alex’s for the book, meet me down there?”

“‘Course.” The redhead nodded and both gathered your things, leaving your office. 

As it turned out, Alex hadn’t stashed the book anywhere in her office. Casey had let out a weary sigh and you encouraged her that it had to be at your apartment, but if she was going to drag you out of work she was paying for take out, you hadn’t eaten since breakfast and she was cutting into your eating time. She laughed, but agreed, welcoming the fact that you were welcoming her into your life outside of Hogan place.

Your favourite take out place was right across from your apartment and Casey was more than okay with a working dinner. You told her to make herself at home at the kitchen island as you dumped your things into a spare chair. She started to dole out food onto a couple of plates while you darted into the living room, ducking to the shelf Alex usually stashed things from the office. Sure enough, it was lodged between one of her old Harvard textbooks and the case file of your very first conviction. You plucked it from the shelf, sliding it across the island to Casey before you offered her a glass of wine that she gratefully accepted.

You asked about the case as you tucked into the meal and she offered up as much as she could. It was still in the early stages, but she noticed the resemblance to a case she’d read about a few years back but wasn’t sure on the technicalities. Over the next couple of hours you helped her make sense of everything, looking over the detectives notes and forms. You pointed out things here and there that meant they were lacking info, or what exactly the strange short hand meant, and you shot her a few learning style questions that you were pleasantly surprised when she got them right off the bat.

By the end of the evening the vibe was relaxed and both of you were incredibly thankful for it, having feeling like you were finally moving into maybe being able to be friends. Casey started packing up the paperwork when she noticed the time, leading you to pack up the leftover takeout. You offered for her to take some of it but she denied with a small smile, heading to the door. She thanked you for your help and you could tell that she truly meant it. Maybe it was Sonya’s whole repenting attitude from earlier rubbing off on you, but you were beginning to feel like you could after all, get used to a new face in the department, and that maybe you weren’t going to have to automatically hate her, giving her a warm smile and soft good night as she turned down the hallway to the elevator.


	16. Chapter 16

It was only a few days later that Sonya was finished with rehab, back living her real life, in a much healthier way. She’d continued on with her AA meetings, and you finally had each other to properly lean on. It had been advised that she take a couple more weeks off work, adjusting back into society was hard enough to keep things in control without having the added pressure of working in sex crimes. You usually spent your lunch hours with her, and despite her protests that it was fine if you drank, you still stuck to club soda instead.

Having her regular presence back in your life was helping even more than you thought it would right off the bat. You were able to talk things through, grieve properly, together, and help each other through it. You were starting to realize that while you may never get over _how_ you lost Alex, there was light at the end of the tunnel, there would be something to look forward to, someone to look forward to. Sonya reminded you that just because it would probably feel like they were replacing Alex, didn’t mean they were, that you were allowed to reserve a piece of your heart for Alex _and_ love someone else.

Back at Hogan Place you were working through a set of new set of opening arguments and were stuck, the words just couldn’t get down on paper in the right order. You began to read them out loud, muttering into the office, you paused with a sigh, looking down at the succulent sitting on your desk. You weren’t sure who, or when, but someone had stuck a pair of googly eyes on it and you’d never bothered taking them off.

“You’re right…this is fucking garbage.” Groaning you dropped your head onto your desk, “Who am I kidding?! I’m talking to a plant!”

Maybe coffee could help? Maybe a change of scenery or a little break would help get your brain going again. You packed up what you needed and had the elevator button pressed when you had a sudden change of plan, using the stairs to jog down one floor.

“Hey…” you greeted with a soft knock, “I-uh..weird question?” Casey glanced up, seeing you lingering in the doorway.

“Why’re you nervous?”

“What?” You paused, head tilting at her question.

“You play with your necklace…” she gestured, “whenever you’re nervous or overthinking something.”

“Oh…” your hand stalled, you glanced down at the small gem, a small pout on your lip as you dropped the jewel, “I..didn’t even realize…”

“What did you need?”

“What?”

“You said you had a weird question?”

“Oh, right. Uhm…can I..work in your office?”

“You want my office? Yours is so much better.”

“No,” you laughed, “I just wanna like..work…” you gestured with the files in your hand toward the coffee table, “I promise I won’t bother you. It’s just like..my brain doesn’t want to work without Alex & Sonya bickering, or like…without someone else in the room? I mean I was just having a conversation with a cactus.”

“Really? What’d it have to say?” Casey teased, “make yourself at home.”

“Thanks.” With a small smile on your cheeks you stepped into the room, settling into the couch, “and the cactus made a terrible character witness.”

Casey let out a burst of a laugh at that, the smile evident on her face as she shook her head at you, returning the warm smile on your cheeks as you turned back to your work. She could tell that you were on the mend, maybe it was just the welcoming attitude toward her now, but there was a light glow you let off that had been missing when she first met you. You were returning to the human you’d been before tragedy struck, rather than just a shell of a person, stuck in mourning and not knowing how to deal with anything. She had to admit, she liked this version of you a hell of a lot better, and was thankful that you were sharing it with her.

A new level was achieved that day, moving from work acquaintances up a notch to the beginning of a friendship. You began to pop up in her office on a more regular basis, she’d found you there one day when she returned from arraignment, joking that that cactus must be horribly company if you were avoiding it. You laughed, and Casey mentioned that she was more than able to come to your office, where there was more space and a higher table, you wouldn’t have to hunch over her coffee table for hours on end. 

You were surprised to find her outside your office the next morning, fancy coffee in hand for you to start the day with, you were more surprised when the two of you fell into the pattern you’d had with the previous team, you were nearly always in each other’s offices (much to the annoyance and dismay of Donnelly, who cursed you, thinking that this was something of the past). You were comfortable with each other, easily shooting off ideas or questions, more than willing to help each other with cases when you needed. It may have been a rocky start, but SVU was beginning to work like a well oiled machine again. 

Casey felt especially privileged when you started to share little stories of your time with Alex, she knew it was a touchy subject, and considering how you’d reacted on her first day, she usually strayed away from the topic. It started with little mentions, off hand comments about something she’d done in a case, or a favourite food, moving into more detailed stories once in a while, but everytime you spoke of her, you subconsciously ended up playing with the gem around your neck. You found it healing, being able to actually talk about her, and to someone who had never known her, it wasn’t like you were retelling stories to Sonya that she’d been witness to or heard a million times. It was refreshing to get to laugh over them, it helped you start to close up some of the metaphorical wounds, rebuilding the human that you were. You began to realize just how grateful you were for Casey, glad that she didn’t hate you after that horrible first interaction. Turns out forgiveness was a pretty important trait.

*  
Casey had just finished up a morning in court, the defence had called for a cotinuance for the following day, so she was free to do what she pleased. She knew you just had a day of paperwork in the office, so she figured she’d swing by to see if you wanted company. The door to your office was halfway open so she didn’t bother knocking, 

“You getting along with that cactus or you want a distraction?” She teased, eyes swooping past the other body in the room, “oh God, sorry. I didn’t realize you were in a meeting.” She started to back out of the room but stalled at your snort of a laugh, 

“A meeting? With her? More like a chaotic filled gossip session while I’m _trying to work_.”Sonya hucked a pen at you…some things would never change… “this is Sonya. Sonya, Casey.” You gestured between them as they exchanged greetings and a quick handshake.

“I hear you get fiesty.” Sonya turned to Casey, “what a way to celebrate your first day.” The pen she’d hucked at you came flying back, 

“Be nice!” You chastised.

“Oh that’s bold coming from you!” Sonya teased back, “God, to think we were so nice to you when you started.”

“Nice?! The two of you pranked me into getting into a three hour lecture about conspiracies with Munch! It took six months for him to finally find out I wasn’t interested in getting chain emails and everytime I came into the precinct he had some new wild theory for me that would push back my case by a day!”

“At least we never told you to fuck off.”

“No, you just say that on a daily basis now.” You turned your attention back to Casey, “are you on lunch?”

“Continuance.” She replied, “Cassandra didn’t show at the sentencing hearing. Benson got a call on the way out of the courthouse…she’d been hit by a car.”

“Oh Jesus! Was it related to the case?”

“Fin’s tracking down video now.”

“What’s the case?” Sonya asked.

“Manslaughter. Two teen boys were stage fighting with real weapons, the one doing the beating hit the femoral artery, kid bled out in minutes.”

“That’s rough.” The bruenette replied, 

“Oh it gets better.” Casey half laughed, “as it turned out, they’d both been dating the same girl. The vic briefly broke up with Cassandra and she ended up sleeping with the other kid. Then, she tells me they just had a science class where they conveniently learnt about the femoral artery.”

“Motive and intent.” Sonya mused, “but there’s double jeapordy.”

“Exactly.” The redhead replied, “but that’s not the end of it.” 

“Oh?” You dropped your elbows down onto the desk, now fully interested. Casey had obviously kept you updated on the case, it had already been one bomb after the other, and if there was more to it now, you definitely wanted to know.

“Liv called from the hospital…Cassandra’s _twenty-eight_.”

“Are you _fucking_ with me?” Casey shrugged, 

“For now that’s all I know, but she was definitely attending high school and enrolled in foster care ten years longer than she should’ve been.”

“Not to mention the whole sleeping with _sixteen year olds_!”

“Good luck with that.” Sonya chuckled, “nice to know things really haven’t changed.” She checked her watch quickly, looking up at you “what’d’ya say to lunch?”

“Always.” You flipped the file in front of you closed, picking up your phone and wallet. You briefly caught the wave of hesitancy coming from Casey, but Sonya spoke from the doorway before you managed to.

“You comin’ Novak?”

“I..really?” She slowly stood.

“Course.” You smiled, “can’t leave you here by yourself, that cactus is _terrible_ company.”


	17. Chapter 17

You were pleasantly surprised with how easily the next few months passed, everything seemed to be falling into place, your personal friendship with Casey continuing to grow as well as your professional one. Sonya, Casey and you were all working better together with every single day, you easily exchanged information and facts over cases, and when need be, weren’t afraid to take on the detectives together when they tried to team up on a single one of you. (Not that Sonya needed any help in that department). There were countless hours spent working in each other’s offices, multiple lunches out in the city as you took a break from Hogan Place, and a few after work drinks while you wound down from the day. 

You knew that things had hit a new level of peace, of closure, when you were getting ready one morning pulling your curled hair half back to pin up when your eyes settled on the gem sitting against your collarbone. Your head tilted while your lips pursed, your hands swiftly pinning back the required locks before one moved to the necklace, twirling it between your fingers. It had nearly been a security blanket since the day Alex looped it around your neck, but today…it finally felt like you didn’t need it anymore. Your hands moved behind your head, un-clasping it, moving the gem into your palm. You paused for a moment, looking down at it, unsure if you wanted to completely let go of it yet. Your brain got the best of you, convincing you that you didn’t need it on you, but didn’t quite want to leave it behind, tucking it into the change part of your wallet before you left the house. At least this way it was still somewhat within your vicinity for the day.

Before you’d even managed to make it to Hogan Place that morning you’d been called down to the 16th precinct, at least you didn’t have any current cases going. You spent the first half of your day there, working through the evidence the squad had, listening in on interviews and the like until the perp’s lawyer showed up. After refusing a deal, you made your leave, finally able to head to your office, you started a fresh pot of coffee instantly, knowing you’d need it, you had a full day of research and planning in front of you. The case presented to you at least had some similarities to one that you recalled from a law journal you remembered reading your first couple of years with the D.A’s office. You pushed back from your desk, searching through the shelves of your office until you found where it should’ve been.

“ _For fucks sake..”_ you muttered, your hand plucking the post it note from the shelf. Of course the one thing you needed wasn’t actually in your office. You made a silent prayer that it wasn’t back at your apartment, although when you’d grabbed the journal for Casey, it had been the only one on the shelf. Sighing, you stepped back into your heels, over the last couple of months Casey had been moved into Alex’s old office. She had obviously been very against the idea, worried about what you would think, but you knew things had to move on, and you’d rather have someone you knew, and now, liked, take it rather than some stranger.

You gave a quick knock on her door as you tore into her office, 

“Hey, I’m pretty sure there’s a journal stashed in here that I- _oh fuck! Sorry!_ ” You reeled around as you realized Casey was in the extended part of her office, bare in a bra and leggings. To be completely honest, your eyes dragged up her frame before you turned, gulping over how fucking gorgeous she was. You obviously already knew she was attractive, but suddenly seeing her half naked sparked a previously unrealized desire within you. Her quiet laugh broke you out of your thoughts, 

“It’s fine.” She tugged her tank top on, “What’d’you need?”

“I need a law journal that I think is stashed in here. You mind if I take a look around?”

“Course not.” Casey replied as she moved to pull on a sweater, you noticed the melancholy seeping from her eyes.

“You okay?” Your voice was suddenly a million times softer as you stepped towards her, the embarrassment of walking in on her changing suddenly vanishing.

“Yeah.” She brushed it off, avoiding your eye.

“Case….” You warned, “don’t lie to me.”

“My witness disappeared.”

“The cousin? In that Montreal case?”

“Yeah…” she sighed heavily, “we thought we had him in a secure location but it’s looking like someone leaked it…” Casey took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions, she’d already let too many out today, “I’m worried the other boys got to him…I said everything would be okay…” You were absolutely shocked when her eyes glanced up to yours and were brimming with tears.

“Casey… you can’t blame yourself okay? Those boys are garbage, whatever ends up happening, they’re going to slip up, you’ll catch them, I know you will.”

“I know…I just…wish I could’ve protected Jason.”

“I know.” You tugged her into a hug, surprising yourself with the level of intimacy you were showing, but honestly, you’d been there before, and you needed Casey to know she wasn’t to blame. Shit was going to hit the fan no matter what. “It’s not your fault.” You murmured against her shoulder, squeezing her tightly before you pulled away.

“Thanks.” She gave a watery smile and a shaky sigh.

“You burning it off at the gym?” You asked, taking in her attire.

“Batting cages.” She replied, “figured it’s the closest I can get to beating something without actually beating it.” You laughed, 

“Makes sense.” You gave her a warm smile, squeezing her hand, “you let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Course.” She smiled softly, “thank you…you’ve been a real help getting used to this, I hope you know that.” You nearly blushed, giving her a soft smile, “what were you looking for?”

“Oh…uh…a 2002 journal? It wasn’t in my office and I haven’t seen it at the apartment.”

“Oh, yeah, make yourself at home.” The redhead nodded toward her office as she grabbed her bag, “I’ll see you later.” Despite being in a not great place emotionally she still managed to shoot you a glittering smile as she left the office. 

You let out a huff of a breath, trying to calm yourself down, turning to the shelves of books. You had to get it together. There were too many pretty lawyers in this city, you couldn’t possibly fall for all of them.

*

It was a few weeks later, Casey was stuck in court, Buchanan being a complete dick over literally everything, leaving you and Sonya out on lunch just the two of you. Not that it was an issue, you obviously loved Sonya, and your time together was as hilarious as it was cherished. And you knew she needed some support, she’d finally caught up on a case she had been chasing for twenty five years, the vic’s sister now running one of those ‘to catch a predator’ type shows. There had been a fair amount of controversy over the case and they were slowly closing in on tracking down the actual perp.

The first half of lunch Sonya shot idea after idea at you, it was honestly weird to see her being the one with the legal pad at the table. You knew she was hellbent on solving this case, and had been for years, so you let her do her thing. You voiced your opinion whenever she stalled, reminding her of the reality of the situation and the like. Eventually your entrées arrived and she suddenly turned her attention towards you.

“I’m so sorry.” She shook her head, “this case just means so much to me.”

“I know how it is.” You gave her a soft smile,

“How’re you? You’ve been kind of weird recently.”

“What?” You laughed, “how?”

“You’ve been all flustered and weird this week.” She took a bite of her food as you busied yourself in taking a large gulp of the wine you were suddenly _very_ thankful of ordering, your cheeks flushing. “Oh…my _GOD!_ It’s a girl!”

“What!? No! Sonya, come on!” You protested, unable to meet her eyes.

“Kid…look at me..” her hand grasped yours, pulling your attention to her face, “I know you better than basically anyone on earth…it’s a girl right?”

“Yeah…” you sighed heavily, stabbing at your food, “I…didn’t realize it at first, but…I might have a bit of a crush…”

“Well Novak’s stunning, so honestly I’m not surprised.”

“What!? Sonya! No!”

“Oh please!” She rolled her eyes, “I watched you fall in love with Cabot. You stare at Casey with that same dopey look on your face. Go for it! You know Alex would want you to be happy, and if it can’t be her, it can at least be another super pretty prosecutor. Hell, _I_ want you to be happy, you two already get along so well, and I’ve definitely seen her staring at you when you’re not looking. Take a chance, ask her out.”

“Oh my god Sonya.” You rolled your eyes, ever so thankful when your phone pinged, you were needed down at SVU. “I’ve gotta run.”

“I’ve got this.” Sonya gestured to the food, “as long as you promise you’ve got Novak.”

“Oh my GOD!” You laughed, calling over your shoulder as you dashed from the restaurant. You had no idea how to even think about reacting yet. You’d barely realized you might have feelings for Casey, this whole ballpark was still pretty new to you, who knew what was going to happen? At least you had Sonya’s words echoing in your head as you headed toward the precinct.

*  
You spent what felt like, and what was, hours going through a case at the 16th with Fin and Munch, you questioned the perp, you watched the detectives question the perp and you spent far too long watching the two of them piecing together the case. Throughout the afternoon you’d shot a couple of texts off to the group chat between you and the other SVU lawyers, hoping for a meet up later after all of this bullshit. You were finally done, waiting for the elevator when Stabler’s voice rang through the hallway,

“Counsellor!” You did your best not to roll your eyes as you turned to him, 

“Can I help you detective?”

“Do you have any idea where Paxton is?”

“At a meeting…why?”

“We need to get to her. Now.” Liv interrupted, “do you know where?”

“I uh..I can’t remember the name, but if I come with I can guide you there.”

“Good enough!” Elliot practically tossed you into the car and your heart suddenly started to beat a million miles a minute. You knew whatever Sonya was dealing with at the moment wasn’t easy, and if SVU was this concerned, something wasn’t right.

You pulled up to the church where Sonya’s usual AA meetings were held, the three of you moving with ease throughout the building, though you did let the other two take the lead. They began to talk to the group, gaining responses only about how it was supposed to be anonymous. You glanced down the hallway, the bathroom was only a few feet down, and if Sonya wasn’t in the meeting room, maybe she was there. 

As much as you’d expected and hoped to find her in the bathroom, you had never imagined you’d find Sonya on the floor of the bathroom in a pool of blood her hands clutching at her throat at she gasped to breathe.

“I need a bus!!!” Your voice screamed through the room, diving down next to her body, your hands taking over the pressure against her neck, “you’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay..” you felt your eyes blur up with tears. No…there was no way you could handle losing a second part of the big three, she was going to be fine, you had to think it into existence. “Sonya, please, please…stay with me, stay with me..we’ve got you.” 

You felt Olivia’s presence at your back, her voice shouting into her phone. What you didn’t feel was the slowing of Sonya’s heartbeat against your fingers, her pulse slowly dissipating as she slipped away, the tears that burned in your eyes. You barely remembered the screaming and crying, fighting against Elliot’s arms as he pulled you away, as Sonya’s body was lowered into the morgue’s car, unable to watch the coroner zip the sleeve over her face. This couldn’t possibly be happening. It had to be some kind of bad dream, how were you supposed to deal with losing two of the greatest people in your life. It was like the world was trying to play some cruel fucking joke on you. And you..you weren’t laughing.

*

Casey had had a shit day, she’d spent it with Cragen and a few uni’s while scouring over locations that the boys from the Montreal case may have dumped the vic’s body, and thus, Jason’s. With no star witness, they’d had to drop all the charges pertaining to the original vic, with Jason having not turned up, and statements from a court officer, it was basically confirmed that he was dead. Casey was wrought with guilt over, feeling the bile pooling in her stomach at the sight of Jason’s body being pulled from the river. The only upside was at least now they could arrest the boys for that murder.

She’d gotten home later than she’d planned, heading straight for the scotch while she browsed through a take out menu for dinner, not having the energy left to cook. After ordering her eyes landed on the group chat in her messages, she knew Sonya was at a meeting, but heavily debating calling you. It was one of those nights where she wasn’t sure if company would make things better, or a time where she just would rather be alone.

Her food arrived, she picked at it scarcely, consuming more liquor than nutrients, letting her brain turn to mush over the mindless television show in front of her. She was surprised when there was a soft knock at the door, it was so quiet she nearly missed it, too deep in her own grief to realize it wasn’t coming from the t.v. 

The moment she swung open the door she was wrenched out of her dazed state, her eyes widening as she realized your shirt was soaked with blood, 

“Oh my God, y/n! What the fuck happened?! We need to get you to a doctor.”

“It’s not mine…” you choked out through a sob. Casey felt her own heart constricting at the uttermost sorrow pouring from you, she pulled you into her arms, kicking the door shut behind you. You easily fell into her embrace, there were barely any tears left by now, your body shaking with silent sobs. Casey’s hand cupped the back of your head, soothingly playing with your hair as she held you tight.

“What happened?” She murmured softly.

“Bastard got Sonya.” Your words were muffled against her sweater, another small cry coming from your lips as Casey pulled her head back far enough to see your face.

“What?!”

“He tracked her down…” you wiped at your face with the sleeve of your shirt, “we were too late…she bled out..”

“Oh my God…I am so sorry.” Your eyes slowly darted around the apartment, noticing the forgotten takeout, the half drank bottle of scotch, moving up to Casey’s face you could see the puffiness and red rim of her eyes, realizing she had been crying and you suddenly felt like you were intruding.

“Fuck..” you muttered, “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have just shown up like this, I just…had nowhere else to go. I’ll..get out of your hair.” Turning away you moved for the door, your shoulders slumping at the thought of returning to your cold empty apartment. No matter how shit of a day Casey had had, she wasn’t about to let you wander off alone right now, gently grasping at your hand and pulling you back.

“I said my door was always open, office or apartment, and I _meant it._ ” You gave her a tight smile, “besides, you’re covered in blood, I can’t let you wander the streets of New York like that. C’mon, I’ll get you something to change into.”

“Are you sure?”

“ _Yes_.” She gave your arm a squeeze, leading you down the hallway “feel free to shower, help yourself to whatever you need.” She pulled some comfy looking clothes out of her closet, handing them to you, “take all the time you want. I’ll be in the living room ready and waiting with a fresh glass of scotch.”

“Thanks..” you murmured, somewhat blown away by her instant hospitality, unsure of how to handle it all. She gave you another soft squeeze before leaving the room, a quick smile over her shoulder to reassure you. She was relieved when she heard the water begin to run. It didn’t matter what the situation was, but if she was stressed, or having a rough day, things always seemed to feel better after a shower an she hoped it would at least start to help you.

You didn’t take long, opting to pull your hair up into a bun to avoid getting it wet while you scrubbed away the remaining blood, the grime and emotions of the day swirling down the drain. Wiping off what remnants of your make up had managed to stay on your face, you tugged on the borrowed clothes, thankful that Casey had such comfortable and warm attire.

Out in the living room Casey had grabbed a second glass for scotch, and brought out the fluffiest of blankets she could find, tossing it over the back of the couch. She glanced up when you appeared in the room, 

“Feel any better?”

“Much, actually.” You replied, crossing to the couch. You dropped down beside her and immediately pulled the blanket around your body, without even thinking you softly fell against Casey, and her arm instantly wrapped around you. The room stayed silent for a few moments before you spoke again, your brain a little more clear than when you’d first showed up, “were you crying before I got here?”

“What?” Casey’s head tilted slightly to meet your gaze.

“Your eyes were all red…It just..looked kinda like you were crying.” You shrugged.

“They pulled Jason’s body out of the river today…”

“Oh fuck, Casey I’m so sorry. And here I am acting like it’s my life that’s destroyed.”

“Hey..” her hand moved softly to your hair, “you just saw one of your best friends die, I had a case take a nose dive, they’re not exactly the same.” You sighed, turning your head back to the t.v.

“Yeah but I should’ve at least tried to listen, let you talk it out.”

“You’re listening now.” A few more moments of comfortable silence enveloped the two of you, you hummed as her hand moved soothingly through your hair.

“Casey?”

“Yeah.”

“Please don’t die on me…you’re all I’ve got now…”

Her heart clenched at your words, she knew what you’d been through, what you were going through, and all she wanted was to help and be there for you. You’d easily been able to lean on each other over the past few months, and she’d found herself almost falling, rather than leaning.

“I’m not going anywhere.” She murmured softly, letting you snuggle deeper against her as you fell silent again.


	18. Chapter 18

When you pushed open the door to Casey’s office you only made it three quarters of the way before you were hit with resistance, nearly stumbling against the door. 

“What the fuck?” You muttered more to yourself, nearly jumping when Casey popped into view in front of you.

“Hey, sorry…kinda overflowing here.” She moved over to the table, placing the file box down as she started to root through it.

“I can tell…what is all this?” You glanced around, her office was full of _stacks_ of boxed filled with paperwork, you pitied the poor person who had been responsible for bringing it all upstairs.

“You think this is bad, the conference room has about three hundred more.”

“Okay, but _what_ is it?” You’d been in court basically the entire last week and hadn’t had the opportunity to even know what Casey was working on.

“Somewhere in these boxes are about fifty documents I need in order to indict the U.S. Army for rape and murder.”

“I-what?”

Casey then launched into a spree, her words moving so quickly you could barely digest them before she’d moved on to the next topic. You could see the fire behind her eye, the small grin on her face as she spewed through everything, the passion she held shining through so brightly you were swelling with pride, now hearing her words even less as you caught the sparkle in her eye. You laughed lightly, trying to grab her attention, break her out of the spell, calling her name. She didn’t let up, simply shot you a dazzling grin as she continued babbling over the case and her plans.

“Slow down Case..” you laughed, “okay..stop..” you words had no affect on her, as she paced back to the other side of the office, pullling down another box, continuing on in her rant. “Casey!” 

This time she at least turned around, but her lips wouldn’t stop moving and suddenly she wasn’t the only one overcome with passion in the office. With barely a thought you stepped forward and kissed her, her body tensed in surprise but then instantly melted against you, lips moving with barely a thought against each other.

“Now would you shut up for a second?” You murmured as you pulled apart.

“Only if you promise to do that again.” She replied with a gleam in her eye, you chuckled, kissing her again. This time her hands wrapped around your waist, pulling you to her as your settled around her shoulders. Her tongue slid over your lower lip and you were just about to allow her entrance when a voice rang out.

“Novak!” You tore apart, leaning back against the desk as Liz popped into the doorway, “conference room now!” Her eyes darted between the two of you, a small scoff, “and would you _please_ leave the make out sessions at home?” Casey sputtered, and you rolled your eyes.

“You have these offices bugged don’t you!?” You called after her as she vanished from the doorway. Casey gave you a sheepish grin, pecking your cheek quickly before she followed Liz down the hall.

That night you went out for dinner, Casey explaining her case in more details so you could actually make sense of it, and you commended her for taking on such a big challenge in her first year in sex crimes. She knew she wasn’t actually going to get an indictment, but hoped that maybe people would actually start to pay attention now. Linking your hand in hers as you left the resturaunt, you slowly wandered the streets of Manhattan until you were outside her apartment. You were quick to come up for a nightcap, though that first night lead to nothing more than a steamy make out session followed by a night of cuddling. And honestly, it was the best sleep either of you had had in a very long time.

If you thought you had fallen for people in the past quicker than average, you had no idea what was coming with Casey. You fell into bed together three days later, Casey reminding you just how incredible it was to be with a woman. By the end of the week your disclosure paperwork was filed with Liz, who shook her head at you, making a comment on how you now had a very specific type. Aside from Donnelly, you knew it was best to keep your relationship private, not only to keep private life private, but with everything that had happened in the department over the past year, you wanted to keep each other safe. Casey made a promise to you that she wasn’t going anywhere, and she wasn’t about to break it.

It took you less than a month to fall completely head over heels in love with her, and honestly, Casey felt the exact same, and the two of you used every opportunity to remind the other. She was just so Goddamn soft with you it made you absolutely weak, every little moment that you spent together made your heart swell a little more. The love radiating off Casey beginning to heal the cracks left from Alex, soothing the pain leftover from Sonya’s sudden death. In turn the love you carried for her warmed her up again, made her realize that true, real love does exist, her hesitancy to get into a relationship after Charlie nearly vanishing completely. She knew you absolutely adored her, and she wanted nothing more than for you to be her endgame.

A few months down the line, you caught her on the way out of the office, joking that she was ditching you for lunch. She laughed and said she was meeting with a few landlords to look at a few apartments closer to work, and asked if you wanted to be a second set of eyes for her. You talked living situations on the way over, she almost dared to ask the lingering question, especially when you brought up that you were always at her place instead of yours (despite you being much closer to work) because it was still a little weird being in the home you’d shared with Alex. You both awkwardly dodged the conversation, veering off into another zone. That was of course, until you both _instantly_ fell in love with a condo in Tribeca that the landlord originally wasn’t going to show you. Casey knew it was out of her price range, and said she’d think about it, taking a business card to call back later. You could tell she was sulking about it the rest of the afternoon, so you bit the bullet and suggested splitting the rent, your apartment was on a monthly lease anyways. 

You’d never expected the year and a half to progress like it did, but you were more than happy with how it turned out. Easily settling into a very domesticated relationship with Casey, getting to wake up beside her every morning, falling asleep in her arms each night? You couldn’t ask for anything more. You very happily celebrated your one year anniversary with a splurge of a luxurious night out, knowing that there was _nothing_ that could come between your love.


	19. Chapter 19

It appeared, once again that your office was the meeting point for nearly everything. Although this time it was usually just Casey, with the occasional pop in of someone from the squad or a prosecutor from a different department. You were still half working as you picked at lunch at your desk, Casey having settled into the table as she shot off a couple of thoughts about her current case. The case you were working was still very much in the preliminary stages, the only potential witness not really willing to talk yet, especially considering he was an eight year old.

You figured that your surprise lunch guest would be someone from the squad, coming to pick up a warrant or hand over more information, so it was safe to say you were confused when Liz popped into your office, coffee and take out in hand as she settled into the couch.

“You here to multitask and yell at one of us while you eat?” You questioned, your brows furrowed.

“If she’s here to yell at one of us it’s probably me.” Casey replied, half smirking.

“What’d you do?”

“She’s taking a case to trial that should just be made a deal.” Donnelly replied, “but that’s not why I’m here.”

“You know you don’t need to supervise us, we’re not fucking in the office during lunch.” You retorted.

“No, just making out when you should be working.” Liz laughed, 

“Hey! That was one time! And _technically_ I only did it so Casey would shut up.”

“Wow…” the redhead cut in, “love you too.” You playfully rolled your eyes at her.

“Can’t I just want to have lunch with my prosecutors?”

“You never once had lunch with us before.”

“This office was pure chaos!”

“That’s the polite way of saying you didn’t like Sonya.”

Liz shot you a half glare, but didn’t dispute your statement, turning her attention to Casey instead. You turned your attention back to your lunch as the other two half talked half argued their way through Casey’s case. Your eyes scanned through the pages Benson had dropped off for you earlier, she had a narcotics detective with her when she’d dropped them off, he’d introduced himself as Mike but that was about all you could remember. You weren’t quite sure about the case, but you knew Antonio was the key to winning it. Your phone pinging brought you out of your thoughts, your hand slid the notification open and you nearly dropped it as you read the message.

 _“Fuuuck.._ ” it was just above a whisper, but loud enough for the other two to turn their attention to you.

“What?” Liz questioned, the stiffness of boss mode shifting back into her voice.

“They need me down at Mercy,” you scrambled, pulling on your coat as you flipped the couple of files shut.

“Is Antonio okay?” Casey asked, worry written upon her face.

“Uh-yeah! He’s fine. I- ballistics came back…the gun that shot him was a match for the one that killed Alex.” 

“Y/N…” Liz gave you a warning glance as you shot through the room.

“You were gonna let me prosecute it the first time! Let me get her some damn justice!” You were already around the door frame when you came half jogging back up to Casey, kissing her softly, “Love you.”

“Where’s mine?” Liz teased as you jogged back out to the hall.

“You _just_ told me no making out in the office!” You teased back as you sped out of Hogan Place.

*

Detective Sandoval was waiting for you outside the play room where Antonio was. He thanked you for coming down so quickly, saying that Olivia mentioned you had some magic powers when it came to kids and recommended you join. 

“Hola Antonio.” He greeted the boy with a soft smile.

“Hola Mike.” Antonio replied, before turning to you, “what’s your name?” Well that was a first, so far the boy had only been speaking Spanish. Although, being shot in the head was a pretty traumatic event.

“I’m Y/N.” you smiled, “can I sit down?” He nodded. You stepped out of your heels, sitting down on the mat beside him, “it’s so nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too. Are you a police woman?”

“No, I’m not. I’m a lawyer. I’m going to take the bad man who did this to you to court.”

“And then he’ll go away?”

“Yup.” Okay, okay, you knew you weren’t supposed to make promises like that, but this kid was so cute you could fib a little, plus, he needed to trust you. “Do you think you’d recognize him if you saw him again?”

“I don’t want to…he’ll kill me.”

“We’ll protect you.” Mike crouched down beside you, “promise buddy.”

Antonio mustered up a small smile in return. You spent a fair amount of time chatting with him, and by the end of it, he was very warmed up to the two of you. It’s not like you really had anywhere else to be at the moment, and the more you bonded with him early on, the more he’d trust you and feel confident testifying when the case went to trial. A nurse came by to mention to Mike that Antonio needed to go back to his room for lunch, and have a short chat with the detective.

“How’s that head doin?” You asked softly.

“Kinda hurts still.”

“Well…I’ve got a few friends, I’m sure I can score ya some extra chocolate puddings for snack, I hear that’s the secret cure.”

“Really?!” His eyes lit up and you let out a gentle laugh, 

“Yeah! Anything for the coolest dude I know!”

“Thanks y/n.” Your heart fucking melted when he launched to you in a hug. Fuck. Now you _really_ had to win this case.

Antonio happily headed back to his room with the nurse, knowing that extra desserts would be coming soon. Mike turned to you, gesturing to his phone, 

“They found where Connors is likely to be hiding, they’re on route now.”

“Okay. Talk to the nurse, see if we’ll be able to borrow Antonio for the line up later today. I’ll start putting together a Grand Jury. Does…he have any relatives? A safe place to stay?”

“His Aunt’s coming in.”

“Good.” You nodded, “keep an eye on him?”

“Course.” He gave you a quick nod as he turned to leave.

“Hey, detective!”

“Yeah?” He stalled, turning back to you.

“Are…they one hundred percent sure on that ballistics match?”

“That old A.D.A?” He fumbled slightly, realizing that you were an A.D.A, “yeah. It was a complete match. I’m sorry. This must bring up some bad memories.”

“ _Like you wouldn’t believe_..” you murmured, “thanks.” You shot him a tight smile as you turned away to the nurses station. You had a chocolate pudding emergency to see to.

*

The next twenty four hours went by like a fucking blur. Since you’d been at the hospital you picked up the medical records for both Antonio and Alex, dropping in quickly to see Melinda asking if she could pull all the autopsy’s she had for the case. Then it was off to the precinct for the lineup where Antonio successfully identified Connors, you had a brief chat with his lawyer after the detectives had grilled him for a few hours before he was taken to the tombs.

The next morning your Grand Jury was waiting much longer than expected as there was a shooting outside Antonio’s Aunt’s house while he was on the way to testify. Mike had been grazed and the boy didn’t want to leave his side, which in turn meant that you made it to arraignment fifteen minutes too late. In a final, last ditch attempt, you called out that Benson and Stabler were present because they were arresting him for murder, of Assitant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot. If this prick was going to get to walk on four murders and an attempted murder, the least you could do was get him for the one that hurt you the most. 

Olivia and Elliot gave you a look that seemed like they were judging your ballsy-ness, but they at least somewhat agreed that keeping Connors in custody was the smartest idea. Especially for Antonio’s safety. You sped back over to your office, you had mountains of paperwork to go through, and now that this was shifting to be Alex’s case, you needed to familiarize yourself with all of those details instead of focussing on the other ones.

You had the ballistics reports, the crime lab reports, there were copies of Liv and Elliot’s witness statements. Files from the EMT’s that picked them up, trauma admittance paperwork, the chart work from whatever nurses and doctors took on the case, a write up of what went down in the operating room, and the one that stung the most, the death certificate. You carefully flipped through the files Melinda had given you, searching for the autopsy, but it was nowhere to be found. Sighing heavily, you packed up what you had, heading down to the M.E’s office, you only had so many hours from arrest to arraignment and something wasn’t lining up.

“Hey.” You knocked gently on the door jam of Melinda’s office, “I’m missing one of your autopsy’s.”

“Which one?” She turned to you, brow furrowed, she knew all her paperwork was filed away promptly and correctly in a very organized manner.

“Alex’s.”

“I never did Alex’s…someone else took care of it.”

“I don’t suppose you’d have any idea where it might be?”

“Follow me.” She took you down the hall, and honestly the first thing you thought of was the day Casey’s office was full of boxes from the army. The room was filled with filing cabinets, though they were at least dated. “Should be somewhere in here,” she gestured to one of the cabinets. 

“Great…” you replied.

“Give me everything you already have, I’ll look over it and see if I can narrow it down for you.” 

“Thanks.”

Pulling the stack from your bag you passed them off to her before you tugged off your blazer, settling in as she left the room. Your fingers deftly swiped through file after file, anything that was on the correct day, you pulled out to double check, anything that was even remotely close to Alex’s name you pulled. Four drawers later and you were still empty handed, and now very confused. Sure, it wasn’t as efficient as Melinda’s system, but it’s not like it was a giant mess of disorganization, you started to wonder if you’d missed something. Moving back to the top drawer of the cabinet you pulled it open again, determined to go through every single folder until you finally found it, it was imperative to your case. You’d made it halfway through the first row when Melinda popped back up, your stack of paperwork in her hand.

“Are you sure you pulled all the right files?” 

“What? Yeah. I got them the other day when I was here, everything was official, why?” She moved over to the desk, placing a few pieces of paper down on it.

“Because her chart, the O.R paperwork and the death certificate all have the same signature.”

“Okay?” They were medical papers, that was something totally normal, right?

“The chart should be signed by whoever the head E.R or trauma doctor was that night, her O.R stuff should be signed by the head surgeon, and the certificate could be signed by one of them, but should be signed by whoever confirmed cause of death.”

“Which would be an M.E?”

“Yes. But the problem being that I don’t recognize this name. I ran it through our system and nothing popped.”

“There’s something else going on here…”

“And you’ve got fifteen hours to figure it out.”

“Don’t remind me!” You rolled your eyes, “and thank you!” You shot quickly as you gathered up what you’d came with. You had to figure this out, and you had to figure this out quick if you wanted Connors to stay behind bars. At this rate, your own safety relied on it.

*

Cragen’s office door was open a crack, and honestly, the ride over to the precinct had gotten you more than riled up, so you didn’t bother knocking.

“What the fuck is going on here?” You started.

“Excuse me?” He shot back, you barely registered the other body in the room.

“I’ve got fourteen hours until I need to arraign Connors for Alex’s murder if I want to get an indictment, and there’s some kind of cover up going on that I’m going to need you to explain _right now.”_

“ _What_ are you talking about?”

“It was _your_ detectives who were with her when she was shot, those same detectives were the ones that were at the hospital, and the same ones who gave me the news that she had been killed. There’s official paperwork missing that I need in order to prosecute her murder.”

“You can’t prosecute Connors for murder.” The other voice in the office broke through.

“I’m sorry?! I don’t work for you, or the NYPD, so you can’t be telling me what I can and can’t do.” Your head swiveled back to Cragen, “who the fuck is this?”

“D.E.A Agent Hammond, meet A.D.A VanRiel.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here, I’ll need your testimony too.”

“I’m not risking my career by committing perjury!” Hammond shot back.

“Well good thing I’m not asking you to. I’ll just need you to bring up the agent he had killed and Alex’s death.”

“That’s _exactly_ what you’re asking me to do!”

“ _What_ are you talking about?!”

“Ms Cabot _isn’t_ dead!”

You felt like you were suddenly trapped in a dream…a nightmare…your heart all but stopped as the words tumbled out of his mouth. You weren’t even really sure what emotion to feel, the tears beginning to cloud your eyes part anger, part shock, a little bit of joy and a flame of sorrow. Alex was dead, she had to be, if there was some shred of possibility that she survived why the fuck wouldn’t she have told you?

“What?” Your voice was suddenly barely above a whisper, the stern prosecutor tone you’d barrelled in with completely vanished.

“You stashed her in witness protection…” Cragen came to his senses before you could even wrap you brain around Hammond’s admission. He gave a soft nod and you turned to Cragen.

“Did you _know_ about this?”

“No but his detectives did.” Hammon replied, and the sudden influx of anger and frustration was suddenly back. You’d vanished from the office before either of them had a chance to stop you.

“Benson, Stabler, conference room _now!_ ”

The two of them glanced between each other before following you into the room. Despite your bubbling emotions you knew that information was still highly confidential, waiting until the door was shut, attempting to keep your voice away from yelling as you turned on the two of them.

“Either of you ready to explain why the hell you failed to mention that Alex isn’t actually dead?! You both signed DD5’s for Connors arrest for murder! That’s enough of a problem as it is!”

“We couldn’t exactly tell you in the middle of open court and risk something happening to Alex.” Oliva did her best to calm you with her response.

“She’s been in Witsec for two years! You had more than enough time to mention it! You could’ve brought it up once the ballistics match came back! You would’ve had to commit perjury on the stand for that case anyways! What were you _thinking!?”_

“Maybe that Alex _told_ us specifically not to tell anyone else that she was alive. Not to mention the entire W.P.P policy that once someone knows they have to relocate them again!” Stabler’s words made you nearly freeze. They knew…they actually knew, the entire Goddamn time. Though…only Olivia had known you were in a relationship with Alex, and judging by the look on Elliot’s face compared to hers, she hadn’t told him.

“You…you saw her? After she was shot?” You were doing your absolute best to hold back whatever type of tears were pooling in her eyes.

“The day before her funeral,” Elliot replied, “she arranged a meet to say goodbye before Hammond whisked her off to wherever she’s been hiding.” Your eyes shot to Liv, your voice a shaky near growl by now,

“You fucking bitch…”

“Hey!” Stabler tried to cut in, your hand flew out to stop him.

“You _knew!_ You _fucking knew!_ This entire goddamn time! You let me attempt to mourn her for two fucking years while you knew she was alive, that she was fine! Hiding somewhere! Did you not think you could trust me?! That this was the better option? Letting me think the fucking love of my life was dead?! You supported me when I tried to solve her murder! Meanwhile you’re the ones that got to actually say goodbye?! What kind of fucking bullshit is that?! _Fuck you!_ Fuck the both of you!”

Olivia tried to get a word in, even one of apology, but you were gone before she could even properly get her thoughts together. Elliot turned to her with complete confusion written across his face before she finally admitted that she’d known about your relationship with Alex. And to be completely honest, part of him agreed with you, if they knew, and they got to say a final (alive) goodbye, hadn’t you deserved to know too?

*

Casey’s week had gone from meh to worse after you dashed out of your office the previous afternoon. Her case was looking like it was headed down the toilet, Donnelly was on her ass about it, and she knew  
the next couple of weeks were going to be rough on your relationship as you attempted to prosecute Alex’s murder. She knew she shouldn’t feel jealous, that whatever had happened between you and Alex was in the past. But things were always more complicated when a partner who you loved more than anything passed, it wasn’t the same as a breakup, the love was still there, and possibly always would be. In an attempt to burn of as much steam as she could before heading home, she’d ended up at the batting cages, channeling whatever emotions and work frustrations she was having into hitting the balls as hard as she could. She certainly hadn’t expected to hear your voice break through her concentration.

“Nice hit.” She briefly glanced up, knowing how much time she had before the next ball.

“Thanks.” She gave you a soft smile before taking another swing, “what’re you doing here? I thought I’d meet you at home?”

“I-uh..I need you to take the Connors case.” Another ping echoed through the room.

“Why? Donnelly said she was fine with you working it after you left yesterday.”

“Yeah well I doubt she’ll be okay with it now. And…I need to recuse myself…” Casey glanced up at you briefly before hitting another ball.

“What’s going on?”

“Alex is alive.”

That caught her attenion entirely, the bat dropped to her side, not remembering the machine was about to chuck another full speed ball at her. She’d barely stepped toward you when it collided with her arm, a loud swear escaping her lips before she hastily ducked out of the cage.

“What’re you talking about?”

“They stashed her in Witsec…” You were doing literally everything in your power to hold back. You loved Casey more than anything, you knew you did, but things were about to fucking explode and you weren’t quite sure how to deal with it. “Liv…knew the entire time…apparently she met with them before she left..”

“What?” Casey breathed out, “why wouldn’t she want to see you?”

“I…don’t know…” you dared to look up at her, your eyes uncontrollably glassing over, “…maybe she never really loved me…”

“Oh sweetheart…” The bat and helmet clattered to the ground as Casey pulled you into her arms. She no longer cared about any amount of jealousy or past relationships, she still loved you more than anything, and always would. And her job now (aside from prosecuting this case) was to make sure that you knew how loved you were, and that whatever happened in the following weeks, she’d support you no matter what, even if it meant losing you. You deserved to be happy, and that was all that mattered, even if it wasn’t with her in the end.


	20. Chapter 20

Casey’s hand squeezed yours tightly, bringing you back to Earth as you waited to cross the street. You were headed into court while she was headed into Hogan Place after you’d done a little switcheroo with your cases.

“It’s gonna be fine.” She murmured quietly, kissing at your shoulder. “I know it’s a lot, but maybe you’ll be able to actually get some closure.”

“I know.” You sighed, “do you know what time they’re coming?”

“No. After what happened to Antonio before the Grand Jury they’re keeping everything hush hush, I was just told it would happen today.”

“Okay.” You turned to your girlfriend, wrapping against her in a tight hug before you gave her a gentle kiss, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Casey kissed the tip of your nose, “now go crush it.” She nodded toward the court house, a warm smile on her face before turning to the street.

“Case!” Stalling, she turned back, stepping closer to you, out of the way of the foot traffic, “I almost forgot, can you give these to Antonio for me?” She chuckled softly as you handed her a four pack of chocolate pudding, “and..Alex…for lack of a better term, she can be a bitch. She comes off super cold and standoffish…or..at least she used to.” You realized it had been nearly two years, and she’d been living as someone else, who knows how she would’ve changed, “it’s nothing personal.”

“You sure about that?” Casey half laughed, “I did kinda steal both her job _and_ her girlfriend.”

“Okay, but..she doesn’t _know_ the second half of that. And she left without saying goodbye, and I thought she was dead. There’s a few technicalities in there.”

“Okay..” she laughed, “I’ll keep in professional lawyer mode.” Quickly pecking your cheek she jogged back to the street, barely making it across before the light had changed. Sighing, you shook out of it, turning back to the court house, you had a job to do, and you were already behind on the case.

*

Casey had to admit, she was a little nervous going into today. Not only was it a big case already, with Antonio nearly being shot before he could even testify at the Grand Jury much less the trial, but Alex being so dangerously hit that she’d been in protection for so long. This was a risky case, and she hadn’t missed the protective detail Cragen had assigned to both you and her considering you’d started the case before recusing.

Not to mention, this just wasn’t the ideal way to meet your partner’s ex-girlfriend. Especially considering all of the baggage that surrounded the end of that relationship. She was more thankful than ever that Donnelly was the only one who knew about her relationship with you, at least, officially. She was sure that some of the squad or other members at the D.A’s office had their suspisions, but you’d always kept things as professional as you could around work. At least this way she was ninety percent sure Alex wouldn’t be coming into her office knowing that she was dating her ex. 

She suddenly felt weird knowing so much about Alex, all the little stories you’d told her while you were just on the friend bases, the ones that helped you get over Alex, helping you grieve and put your life back together. She grimaced, knowing she’d have to look the blonde in the eye for God knows how long today and pretend she didn’t know exactly how she took her coffee, or that she’d buy Neapolitan ice cream and only eat one flavour at a time until it as all gone instead of buying just the one flavour she was craving. Casey knew that she burnt her eggs _every_ time she made them, and that she had a horrible habit of leaving leftovers in their pots to toss them in the fridge until you were out of pots to cook with (not that that one really mattered to Alex, you were the one that did more cooking, she’d just order takeout if there weren’t dishes clean).

Letting out a heavy groan she dropped her head down onto her desk. Yup. Today was going to be a weird one, that was for sure. She could only pray that this trial was over and done with as quickly as possible.

*

Alex felt strange enough being back in New York, the city much more bustling and crowded than the little suburb of Wisconsin she’d been stowed away in. She felt exposed, very exposed, thankful for the constant guard at her side, sure, Connors was in custody, but he also was when they’d shot that little boy. She couldn’t remember his name right now, but was sure she’d end up meeting him later. 

But now…she felt even stranger, standing between Hogan Place and the courthouse, a place she’d spent so many years, a place that was more of a home than some of her apartments had been. She was incredibly nervous about returning, realizing her hands were shaking a second too late, shoving them into her coat pockets. She’d been both relieved and saddened when they’d told her you’d recused yourself from the case. She didn’t know anything about this new prosecutor, and knew that you could hold your own, even on a tough case, but understood why you’d stepped back. The thought of having to testify while you were the one throwing questions her way made her head spin, not knowing how you were going to take everything. At least with this new girl it was a blank slate for each of them.

Truthfully, she was more terrified at the thought of seeing you again than having to testify, her stomach was in absolute knots, praying that you weren’t about to walk out of the doors she stood in front of. She knew she’d been stupid to end it like she did, especially since Liv had mentioned Elliot let it slip that she’d said an in person goodbye to the two of them. She hated herself for it, and hoped that you’d be able to forgive her, that maybe, just maybe the two of you could move past it together once the case was wrapped. Her chest felt tight at the thought of going inside Hogan Place, praying that they wouldn’t run into you and end up trapped in an elevator together. She wondered if you even knew she was coming in today, everything had been kept so quiet she was sure only this new A.D.A would be privy to the knowledge.

“C’mon, let’s get you inside.” The voice broke into her thoughts, pulling her back to the bustling street of the city. She gave a tight smile and a nod, taking a heavy breath before she pulled on a hypothetical mask, her prosecutor exterior holding it together as she pushed the glass door open. 

*

Your day in court had turned into a morning in court, you picked up lunch on the way back to the office, thankful when you saw that Casey’s office door was sitting open about a quarter of the way. 

“Hey, turns out I-“ You froze, your heart suddenly hammering in your chest. 

Why the fuck was the door not closed all the way if Alex was in here, why the fuck wasn’t there a cop at the door?! You felt about fifty emotions flying across your face, praying that not all of them were showing. You were doing the best to hold back the part of your brain that was telling you to burst into tears, the part of you that wanted to bury yourself in her arms and never let her go. Up until this point it had been like all of it was some kind of horrible nightmarish dream, but she was real. She was really real, and she was sitting on the couch in Casey’s office staring right back at you with those goddamn sapphire eyes full of pensive surprise. Her hair was longer, but aside from that not much had changed, she was just as goddamn stunningly beautiful as the day you’d met her. You could see the sudden hint of building tears blurring her eyes and suddenly wished you’d just gone up to your office and texted Casey instead.

Alex felt like she was about to explode, the absolute joy splayed across your face before you’d realized she was in the office, you clearly got along with Casey, and hadn’t realized she’d be in there too. She’d hoped to arrange some kind of meet up, a time where she could try to explain what happened, explain herself after all this time. Her eyes drank you in, not that she needed any reminder of how beautiful you were, but actually hearing your voice and seeing you in front of her again was nearly too much for her.

Casey did her best to not awkwardly look between the two of you as whatever was happening happened. She knew she had to expect something like this, that there would be a lot of unfinished business you’d have to take care of, but right now, she was merely there as a coworker. You met her eye quickly, 

“I-sorry, I didn’t realize..”

“I thought I texted you…” 

Fuck.

You always kept your phone on do not disturb during court. You must’ve forgotten to turn it back on. You saw Alex about to open her mouth when suddenly another voice cut in, 

“Miss Y/N!” Antonio bounded over from the other table where he’d been quietly occupied with colouring and pudding snacks. You’d never been so grateful for a child in your damn life, hopefully discreetly dropping the bag of takeout in the hall before you stepped into the office, crouching to greet the boy.

“How’s my favourite little dude?” You asked, trying to keep your balance as he hugged you tightly.

“Much better with the pudding.”

“Good.” You gently brushed back the front of his hair, “looks like that magic cure worked, your head’s looking a lot better.”

“I know!” He practically puffed his chest out in achievement, pulling a small giggle from you. 

Completely unbeknownst to either of you (or the other two women in the office) both Casey and Alex were watching you with complete adoration in their eyes and small smiles on their faces. You’d always been adamant on not wanting kids, especially after the last year, but goddamn you were ever good with them. There was a reason you took so many cases with children versus the other people you worked with, you had a magic skill, that was for sure.

“Why aren’t you taking the Ghost to court anymore?” Antonio asked, and God your heart melted, you wanted nothing more than to be able to get this kid some justice, but you knew Casey would do everything she could.

“Well..my boss told me I couldn’t, that she had something else for me to do instead.”

“Is the Ghost not as important.” You barely held back the pout as Antonio’s face fell.

“Uh…no buddy. _You’re the most important_ , I only bring the most special people pudding.” You enunciated with a soft poke to his chest as your brain scrambled to figure out how to explain this to an eight year old without having to divulge into the actual reason in front of the other two, “it’s like…when you _really_ want chicken nuggets for dinner, but your Mom’s already made spaghetti, so she needs you to eat that instead. The chicken nuggets are way better, but you gotta listen to your Mom, right?”

“Right.” He nodded, “so I’m a chicken nugget?” You giggled, 

“If that’s what you wanna be, yeah.”

“Good. I love chicken nuggets.”

“Me to bud.” You ruffled his hair, “and believe me, Miss Casey here is going to do an incredible job with the Ghost in court. Probably even better than I would have.” You glanced up at Casey and if you didn’t practically melt on the spot at the look in her eyes.

“Will you be there?” Antonio asked, a sense of worry crossing his eyes.

“Of course. I’ll be watching in the gallery, along with Detective Mike, okay?” At this point you didn’t care if Donnelly suspended you for turning your phone off, this kid wanted you there and you weren’t gonna miss it.

“Okay.” He gave you a small nod before his face slightly lit up, “Have you met Miss Alex? She saw the Ghost too.”

“I-uh…” you dared a glance over at the blonde, the too familiar tightening in your chest returning, “yeah, we used to work together.” You gave his shoulder a squeeze as you returned to standing, “but I think I should let you guys get back to work.” Giving the office a tight smile you began to turn to the door,

“Didn’t you neeed something?” Casey’s voice broke the slight tension in the air.

“Oh, shi-oot.” You barely caught yourself, “yeah. They found more evidence that links Carolyn to planning the photos of the..incident..” you hated having to censor yourself infront of Antonio and still make sense to Casey, “we want to talk to Danny, but he refuses to talk unless you’re there. Can you meet us at Rikers when you’re done here?”

“Yeah, course.” She smiled, “I’ll text you once we’re wrapped up.”

“Thanks.” Your eyes slid past Alex, doing your best to give a respectful goodbye as you slipped out of the office, pulling the door shut behind you. Taking a small breather you tried not to bang your head against the wall, knowing they’d hear it inside, picking up the bag of takeout you’d brought with you.

Why didn’t you remember to check your phone??

*  
Liz’s head shifted from her computer to her doorway when your knock pulled her from her emails, a curious look on her face when you spoke.

“I come baring take out.” You smiled, moving through her office.

“What’d’you do? Aren’t you supposed to be in court?”

“They called for continuance, we’re figuring it out.”

“Okay…” she eyed you, “and you’re coming to my office for lunch why?”

“You can have lunch in my office, but I can’t have lunch in my favourite boss’s office? I even brought you food! Come on Liz.” Her brow cocked, closing the laptop and shifting it to the side with a smirk.

“You bought Casey lunch but Alex is in her office right now, isn’t she?”

“Yeah…” you dropped down into one of the chairs with a hefty sigh. “Sorry..I just..you’re better company than Ramone..”

“Ramone?”

“We named the cactus…felt less stupid when one of us ended up talking to a fucking plant when there was no one around.”

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear any of that. What did you bring me?”

“Shrimp scampi from Forlini’s.” You replied, pulling it out of the bag, passing it and a fork to her before tugging out your own.

“Thank you, even though this wasn’t your intention.”

“Thanks for not kicking me out.” You replied, plucking the lid off your pesto gnocchi.

“As much as you kids annoy me sometimes, I’m never gonna kick you out.” She replied, giving you a once over, “how’re you doing with everything?”

“It’s…a handful…” you chewed over a bite, “I had my phone turned off and missed Casey’s text, walked straight into the fire of seeing Alex again.”

“It’s hard. Even knowing she’s alive there’s still a lot to unpack there for the two of you. I take it you haven’t talked to her at all?”

“How could I? I’ve had no way to contact her for two years, and it’s not like her location is blasted on social media right now.”

“Benson really didn’t give you any hints or inside scoop after that blowout the other day?”

“You heard about that?” You grimaced, glancing up at her.

“Sweetheart, you said it yourself, I have this building bugged, I know everything.” You let out a soft laugh at that.

“No…just like before, Benson’s barely meeting my eye whenever I’m around.”

“She probably feels bad, I mean she owes you one hell of an apology at the least.”

“You’re not going to yell at me for telling her to fuck off?” Liz nearly snorted.

“She’s not my department, I could care less what you say to her and Stabler. They both deserve to be knocked down a few pegs. Tell ya what, I’ll put a few feelers out, see if I can find out where Alex is staying while she’s here, the two of you need to at least try to talk.”

“Thanks.” You gave her a weak smile, delving back into your gnocchi.

“Tell me something.”

“Mmm?” You cocked a brow at the older woman.

“Are you happy with Casey?”

“ _Unbelievably._ ” The reply was out of your lips before you could even think, “she helped me through so much, even after I was _incredibly_ rude to her. I don’t think I would’ve made it through without her…I really fucking love her.”

“And Alex?”

“What’d’you mean?” You glanced up at Liz, your fork pausing halfway to its takeout container.

“The last time we talked about her you said you had wanted to marry her.”

“Yeah…” you sighed, “but that was before she abandoned me without saying goodbye. She not only told Benson and Stabler she was alive but actually _met_ with them, they got to say an actual, real, in person goodbye to her. All I got was half assed apology from Olivia as she realized Alex and I were more than friends. What kind of person says they love you and then pulls crap like that?”

Liz had barely opened her mouth to reply when your phone pinged, Casey had finished with Alex and Antonio, and was ready to head down to Rikers with you to meet Danny. You sighed, 

“Duty calls.” You shoved the lid back on your lunch as you stood. “Thank you..” the warm smile you gave Liz was all she needed to know that you truly meant it. That it wasn’t just that you didn’t want to be alone at lunch, you often sought her out when you needed advice, whether it was work related or not.

“You know what to do sweetheart. Your _heart_ knows. Just follow it, no matter how rough the path seems.”

“Okay, who are you and what’ve you done with Elizabeth Donnelly?” You teased, pulling the door open. 

You knew the next couple of days were going to be a fucking gong show, but at least you knew that there were people who would support you no matter what the outcome was. People who would always have your back. You only hoped things wouldn’t be as complicated as they had a high potential to be.


	21. Chapter 21

Casey got home just after you’d gotten out of the shower, changing into comfortable clothes, leaving the suits and heels in the workforce part of the day. You’d been texting throughout the late afternoon, she was well aware that Liz had tracked down Alex’s hotel for you and that you were going to see her. 

“Hey.” You softly greeted her as you met her in the kitchen, kissing her cheek gently.

“You doin’ okay?” She asked.

“As well as I could be I guess.” You shrugged, thanking her as she passed you a file folder that you slid into your bag. “Thank you…for being okay with this, I know a lot of people wouldn’t be comfortable with the entire situation. You know that I’m just going to talk, I just..need answers.”

“Hey.” She squeezed your hand, “I trust you. And you have more than enough reasons to want to go see Alex and figure things out.” She sighed heavily and you could see a hint of worry in her eyes, “and if you end up wanting to…find out what could have been..I get it.”

“Casey!” You were honestly shocked, letting out a slightly worried laugh, “as much as I’m curious as to what my life could’ve been like if Alex never got shot, I’m happy with how it ended up.” Your hand came up to stroke her cheek softly, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She smiled softly, leaning in to place a kiss on your lips. “Should I have the merlot ready when you get home.”

“Honestly…I think it might be time to crack that bottle of scotch we have stashed.” Casey let out a pitiful laugh, her face sympathetic.

“Okay.” She kissed you quickly once more and as you pulled apart your brow furrowed, your eyes settling on the stone resting on her collarbone.

“Did…you have that necklace on all day?” Your heart picked up before you even realized it.

“Yeah…” Casey’s hand moved to the jewelry as she glanced down at it, “why? It was in the jewelry box, I figured it was fair game. If it’s not I’m sorry, I won’t wear it again.”

“No…” you sighed, “it’s fine…it’s just…”your forehead dropped to her shoulder.

“It’s hers…” she put the pieces together easily enough.

“Yeah. She leant it to me before we started dating.” You laughed at the memory, “fuck I was still dating men at the time…I just..ended up never taking it off.”

“I’m sorry.” Casey squeezed at your hand.

“No, baby, it’s fine, promise.” You pecked at her cheek, “it’s generic enough she probably didn’t notice, and you didn’t know. If I wanted you not to wear it I would’ve kept it somewhere private.”

“Okay.” She shot you a soft smile, “now go. It’s gonna be fine.”

“Thanks.” Giving her one last kiss, you finally pulled yourself away, leaving the apartment.

*

Your stomach was in absolute knots, butterflies in your chest as you watched the number in the elevator rise, you hadn’t been this nervous since your first case. The prosecutor in you refused to let you go into this without having something planned, you knew the various ways it could play out, and you’d done your best to write out and talk through what you wanted to say and ask. Hell you’d brought Ramone home from the office in an attempt to help calm yourself down while you spoke through your thoughts. (Casey later saw the cactus on the kitchen island and had a little laugh to herself, knowing what you’d done). 

When the elevator doors opened you froze for a second, thinking that maybe, you could just hit the ground floor button and retreat from this entire thing, but Stabler glanced up at the pinging, shooting you a weak smile. Taking a heavy breath, you stepped into the hallway, making your way towards him.

“Hi..” you greeted awkwardly. 

“Hey…” he rubbed at the back of his neck, “I-uh..wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Elliot Stabler apologizing? What planet are we on?” He shot you a glare at that, 

“I mean it…if I had known you and Alex were..involved, I would’ve said something. You deserved to know.”

“Thank you.” The smile you returned to him was genuine, you never would’ve guessed words like that to come out of his mouth, but maybe he understood it in a way that Olivia didn’t. He shot you a small smile before knocking on the door to Alex’s hotel room, pausing slightly before he slid the key card in, unlocking it and letting you in.

Any amount of calm achieved by the small interaction was instantly vanished as you stepped into the room, hearing the door click shut behind you. Maybe this was a horrible idea. Or a horrible idea to have done alone. Maybe you should’ve had someone else there, a mediator.

Fuck did you ever miss Sonya right now.

“Hi…” your voice was so weak you barely heard it over the thunderous throbbing in your chest.

“Hi..” Alex replied, her crystal eyes already shimmering with tears. She was terrified of what was going to happen next, completely unaware of what was going on in your brain and she hated it. You surprised both her and yourself when you threw the original plan out the window, stepping toward her and wrapping your body around hers. The hug relaxed both of you, a sigh of relief escaped Alex’s lips before she spoke again, “ _God_ I missed you.”

“You’re really real…” you murmured against her sweater. Sure, you’d seen her in Casey’s office earlier, but now? You could feel her, you could smell the oh so familiar scent of her shampoo, you were certain now that she wasn’t some figment of your imagination, that you weren’t living in some kind of fever dream.

“Yeah..” she replied softly as you slowly pulled away from the embrace, her hand trailed down your arm, briefly landing in yours, “you look good.” She smiled. Taking a breath you stepped back,

“Well for being dead you look pretty amazing.” To be fair, you weren’t kidding, even with her bare face, hair pulled back she was stunning as ever. She gave a watery laugh before you spoke again, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“I couldn’t…”

“Alex…” you did your best to keep things civil, at least not let the anger bubble up so early into the conversation, you wanted to talk things through, “you had the chance…”

“When I woke up in the hospital they told me I was ‘dead’, that I was being moved to a new identity and location until further notice.”

“Please don’t lie to me…” your voice cracked slightly.

“What’d’you mean?”

“Lex..I _know_ you met with Liv and Elliot…” a deep breath to try and hold back a cry, “you told them not to tell anyone. I just…I don’t understand why..”

“I couldn’t exactly have them blabbing that I was in Witsec to everyone.”

“But you could’ve at least done _something_ to say goodbye to me!” Fuck…the tears were coming earlier than you’d hoped, but honestly, you were lucky you’d held it together long enough to make it through the door. 

“I’m sorry…” she murmured, suddenly avoiding your gaze.

“Why tell _them_ and let me believe you were dead for two years? Do you not understand how absolutely horrible that was for me? Losing the love of my life?”

“I didn’t think I could handle saying goodbye to you!” Alex turned back to you, a lone tear streaking across her cheek, “I love you more than I’d ever loved anyone in the entire world! You meant everything to me! All I ever wanted was for you to be _happy.”_

“You think I was _happy?_! You seriously think that I was happy as you were ripped from my life? That I was happy as I smashed every glass in the apartment when I found out your case was unsolvable? That losing my two best friends within six months of each other brought me joy?! Jesus Alex.”

“Wait..what?” Her breath caught in her throat, not clear on what your words meant, “what’re you talking about?” You turned back to her, a huff of a sad laugh coming from your mouth as you wiped away your tears.

“ _Sonya’s dead_. And unlike this situation I know that for a fact since she bled out on my hands.”

“ _Oh my god…_ ” she murmured, “I’m so sorry.” A wave of grief flew through her, of course she wouldn’t have known, but the sudden information swept through her harder than she expected it to. It was part to comfort you, and part to soothe herself when she stepped forward, pulling you into a hug again, tucking you under her chin while your emotions got the best of you.

“I wasn’t happy…” you cried against her shoulder, “I was fucking miserable. I _needed_ you. I needed you more than I ever possibly thought I could, and I thought you were dead. I thought you were gone forever…but you’re not…”

“I know…I’m sorry…I know…but I’m here now..” she threw caution to the wind as her lips softly met the top of your head, trying to reassure you, “I’m here…and I _wish_ I could’ve been there for you when you needed me. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of you, that I didn’t think of what we had.” Alex pulled away gently, her hand softly stroking at your cheek, her eyes pouring emotion into yours. Your cheek leant into it ever so briefly before you came to your senses, stepping back the second she leaned toward you.

“I can’t…”

“It’s one night…” Alex’s voice was barely above a whisper, and you were sure you had never seen her this vulnerable or pleading in your life, “I don’t know what’s going to happen after the trial…I don’t want to have to leave again having my last memory with you being a fight.” Her hand reached out to yours and you took another step back.

“Al, I _really_ can’t.”

“I get it, okay? Part of you hates me, and that’s completely deserved, but all I want right now is to feel you in my arms again.”

“And all I wanted was for you to love me enough to say goodbye!” The words shot from your mouth before you even realized.

“I did love you! I _do_ love you! What was I supposed to do?! Meet up with you to dump you because I was going into Witsec with no end date in sight?”

“You could’ve asked me to come with you! You could’ve _at least_ let me know you were alive! It might’ve made it easier to get over you knowing you weren’t dead.”

“Sweetheart…” she stepped toward you, reaching for you once again. You hastily stepped back once more.

“I said I _can’t!_ ” You wiped a stray tear away, “Since I found out you were alive it’s made me feel like I’ve been having some kind of sick affair all this time and I could _never_ do that to her.”

“You’re seeing someone…”

“Yeah..” you sniffled, daring a glance across at her, “I thought you were _dead,_ remember? The last thing Sonya ever said to me was that you would want me to be happy, that it was okay to move on. It was harder than I could’ve ever imagined, but I somehow managed to do it.”

“Novak…” Alex started to pick up on the cues throughout the day that she’d missed previously, “that _was_ my necklace! Jesus you have a sudden thing for lawyers or something?!”

“Oh my God Alex! She had no idea, she grabbed it from the jewelry box this morning, it’s not like she did it intentionally or anything! I didn’t even notice until she came home from work.”

“You..live together!? Are you _kidding me?!”_

“You are _not_ allowed to be mad about this! You let me believe that you were fucking dead for two years! You left me to grieve, crying over you for months! Sonya fell so far fucking deep I had to get her suspended and sent to rehab! The entire goddamn department was crumbling after you left! I was barely holding on! And guess what? Casey happened to be there, and was a friend that I could lean on, and that friendship morphed into more. You _claim_ you loved me, that you still love me? Yet for some reason it was more important to say goodbye to Benson and Stabler over your own goddamn girlfriend!? Do you not get how fucked up that is? You do _NOT_ get to belittle me because I _finally_ managed to get over you, that I actually managed to move on with my life.”

“Y/n-“

“No.” You warned, grabbing your bag, “this was pointless. I really only came to give this to you, I know how your brain works. If anyone asks you didn’t get it from me.” You pulled the file on Connors out of your bag, tossing it onto the bed.

“Will…will you be there tomorrow?” Her voice wavered, realizing now that she’d fucked up not once but twice, she should’ve realized that you’d moved on with your life, it was only natural.

“I will. But don’t think for one second it’s because of you.” You nearly spat, “Antonio asked me to come, and that’s the _only_ reason.”

Wrenching open the door you were gone before she could utter another sound, you tore past Stabler, not even bothering to wait for the elevator, stumbling down the stairs as the tears blurred your eyes. You hated this, you hated every second of it. Alex shouldn’t have been able to break your heart a second time, it shouldn’t have been allowed. You were happy, you loved Casey, everything had finally been on an upswing before she came tearing back into your life. But your heart still had a corner reserved for her, and right now, that corner was crumbled to absolute dust, being blown away in the cold wind of the night.

You did your best to hold your emotions at bay, especially once you got home, but Casey was ever the selfless incredible girlfriend she always had been. She had a glass of scotch in your hand before you’d even managed to get your coat off, she kissed your cheek softly and didn’t ask you any questions, letting you curl up against her on the couch. You apologized so many times you lost count, feeling overwhelming guilty for being this emotional over an ex when you had the most incredible girlfriend right in front of you. She simply kissed your head and reminded you that your feelings were more than valid, letting you breathe it all out. 

To be honest, there was a tiny part of her that was...concerned…jealous wasn’t the right word. She knew that no matter what you’d remain faithful to her, but Alex had been such a big part of your life, a turning point as you discovered yourself. She was worried that Alex’s return to the D.A’s office after the trial wrapped could cause some tricky situations…if that’s what the blonde wanted. Obviously whatever had happened between the two of you tonight hadn’t been easy, and she knew it was bound to be a rocky road from here on out until you both managed to cope with things.

Alex dropped down onto the hotel bed, burying her head in her hands. She knew from the instant Hammond and Cragen pulled up to her house in Wisconsin that none of this was going to be easy, but it was so much worse than she could ever imagine. She hated herself, she hated how little and weak she felt, how vulnerable the entire situation was. Not just in being the victim, but in being the idiot who let you go, being the bitch who left without a hint of a goodbye. She had no one to blame but herself for that. You were right, she could’ve left a note with Benson, sent you something non descript that would’ve clued you in that she was okay, that there was a chance that the two of you would be okay, that you potentially could have a future together once this bullshit was over with. But instead she’d taken the cowards way out, and now…you had moved on.

Wiping the tears off her face she sniffled, her attention turning to the file you’d tossed onto the bed. As she flipped it open she realized that not just the paperwork on Connors was in there, you’d added in some things of your own, things that would actually help her even more than knowing what made Connors tick and she was eternally grateful.

*  
The next couple of days were a goddamn whirlwind, the Connors trial was everyone’s main priority, but all of you still had actual jobs to do. Benson and Stabler were regularly called away to other cases, your phone buzzed a few times but you were adamant on not leaving Antonio, and honestly, you were worried for Casey’s safety. You’d already lived through one love getting shot, you weren’t about to let that happen again because she was prosecuting this case. Liz reluctantly managed to pass anything that came your way onto a junior A.D.A, but only after you promised to help them through it and even second chair if they needed it. Alex’s testimony proved that the file you’d snuck her had done it’s good, the jury was definitely on the people’s side, and Antonio did so well you felt like you could cry. The kid was so young and had been through so much you knew that the jury had to side with him.

There was a unanimous sigh of relief when the guilty verdict was called through the room. Casey glanced back towards you, a thankful smile on her face as your eyes beamed with pride. You walked Antonio out, passing him off to Agent Hammond after a quick hug, apparently they had something to talk over. You chose to wait for Casey as the crowd dissipated in various directions, though you knew Casey’s office was the end location for everyone. All you wanted was to pull her into a deep kiss and tell her how incredibly she’d done on the case and how much you loved her, but you opted for the knowing gleam in your eye as you squeezed her wrist, keeping the privacy you both preferred.

The SVU crew was only a few steps ahead of you back at Hogan Place, a couple of bottles of champagne present to celebrate the win, this one was special after all. They poured out the glasses, dolling them out to everyone as a chatter took over Casey’s office, happiness and smiles bursting through the room. The door rattled, and you all turned to it, hoping Alex was on the other side, but instead, Agent Hammond entered the room.

“They’re moving Antonio and Alex to new identities. She asked me to say goodbye.” You felt your face fall before you even realized what was happening. You felt Casey’s hand close around your wrist, squeezing softly, thankful you were at the back of the crowd, able to accept the comfort without worry. “And Vanriel..”

“Yes?” Your gaze shot to the man, wondering if maybe this time Alex had left you something.

“Antonio says thank you. He wishes he could tell you in person.”

“Thanks…” you managed out in a breath. 

It hit you like a ton of bricks…an eight year old had more courage. He could do his best to give you a proper goodbye but Alex chose to disappear with no warning or afterthought…again. You did your best to hold it together, though the mood in the office was instantly changed to a somber one as Hammond left. Everyone had been hoping for a joyous reunion and celebration, things were awkward until everyone had finished at least one glass of champagne before the conversation started again. Roughly an hour into it as everyone seem distracted you discreetly slipped from the room without anyone noticing. Or…at least you thought. Of course Casey noticed, her eyes following your form as you snuck out her door. She checked her watch as she turned back to the conversation with the detectives, she knew you, and knew that you needed some time alone before she tracked you down.

*

You found your way to your office, thankful at least Ramone was still there to keep you company as you knew you were about to ramble on to no one about the entire situation. Mainly, you were mad. You were mad that Alex chose to walk away from you two years ago without a second glance, that you meant less to her than the detectives did. You were mad that today, even after trying to get your feelings out, she walked away again, that Antonio made sure you knew he was sorry, but she did nothing. You felt betrayed, and you felt betrayed by your own heart, wanting to be able to leave this entire thing in the past and move forward with Casey. It was when you wiped your tears, ready to rant, glancing down at Ramone that you saw the envelope tucked beside him, your name scrawled in Alex’s perfect handwriting across it.

Stopping dead in your tracks you wondered if you even wanted to open it, and then you remembered…all those letters your therapist had encouraged you to write to Alex. The ones you counted as journal entries, the ones you had nowhere to send…until she popped back up in your life.

You’d put them into the file folder with Connors paperwork. 

Plucking the envelope from your desk you grabbed the bottle of scotch, picking up a glass from the shelf to pour yourself a hefty amount before you settled on the couch. You had no idea what you were about to get into and you knew that no matter how much you thought you were prepared, you wouldn’t be.

_‘Y/N,_

_I need to start this off by once again, saying that I am incredibly sorry. I know that you’ve probably heard it too much from me over the past couple of days but I will never be able to apologize enough for what I did. I was heartless, and only thinking of myself. I was scared, I was terrified, of not being able to do what I loved for a living, of having to start a new life, but most importantly attempting to survive without  
you by my side. Not letting you say goodbye is the biggest regret of my life. At one point I wished that you would wait for me, that when I eventually got to come home that you’d be welcoming me with open arms. I realize now how incredibly stupid that was of me. Why would you wait for someone who wasn’t coming back to you? I’m sorry that I never gave you the proper goodbye, the goodbye you deserved, it wasn’t because I didn’t love you, it was because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you. Leaving New York hurt me, but the fact that I had to leave you behind absolutely destroyed me. I couldn’t bare seeing you one last time, telling you that we had to end it, that it wasn’t safe for either of us. I knew that it would break you, that you were nearly at your tipping point before the entire thing happened. I wanted you to be able to have a life, no matter how much I loved you, I wanted you to live your life, to move forward, and I knew you wouldn’t be able to do that if you knew I was alive somewhere out there. I’ve read all of your letters, and believe me, I cried through most of them. I’m so sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you, I wish I could take it all back, that I could kiss every crack in your heart until it was healed. I wish I could’ve been there for you when Sonya was killed. I’m so sorry that everything went to shit. I hope you know that I am immensely proud of you for managing to hold the department together while it exploded into a hot mess. I always knew you were better than the rest of us. But most of all…I need you to know that I am incredibly happy that you’ve found love. As much as it may pain me to know you’ve moved on, the fact that you are happy, and that there is someone out there who cares about you more than I ever could, means the world. Casey sounds like the absolute dream. And knowing that she’ll take care of you, that she took care of you through so much, it means the world to me. You truly deserve someone like her, who will love you so selflessly and with all of her heart. I wish the two of you my absolute best._

_I’m sorry I had to leave again without a goodbye, but Hammond gave us no options this time._

_Antonio wants to say thank you for all the pudding. I swear, you got this kid hooked._

_All my love,_

_Alex.’_

Your tears began to litter the paper a few sentences in, you re read it nearly three times, letting the words sink in. You had no idea how much time had passed when there was a soft knock at your door. You hastily wiped your tears off your face, praying your eyes weren’t too red as you called out for them to come in. You didn’t know why you were surprised when Casey slipped into your office, shutting the door behind her.

“You okay?” She asked softly, sinking into the couch beside you. You instantly snuggled against her, humming as her arm wrapped around your shoulders.

“Yeah…I think I finally am.” You felt her lips hit your head, “turns out I got my closure after all.” You held the paper up to her. She took the letter from you, honestly surprised at first as her eyes skimmed the words, that you would let her read it. Then again, you loved and trusted her more than anything, and she was more than well aware of that.

“I’m sorry you ever had to go through this.” She murmured, placing the letter down on the coffee table.

“Thank you.” You sat up slowly, “but you don’t need to be. You’re what helped me through this. You made me able to see life with colour again, you…made me realize that love isn’t just a once in a lifetime  
experience. That maybe…it’ll come back even more powerful the second time around…” you gave her hand a squeeze, “Casey…please..know that no matter what happened today, I wasn’t going anywhere. I love you..more than anyone could ever imagine. Even if Alex ended up staying in New York, or…coming back to the D.A’s office…it wouldn’t have changed things. The only person I want to spend my life with is you.”

“You sure about that?” She half smirked.

“One hundred percent.” You smiled, kissing her gently, “Alex may have been a significant part of my past, but you…Casey Novak..you’re my future.”


End file.
